I think the only thing keeping me sane at the moment is tango. I spend my days being lonely and doing nothing. Sometimes my feelings are good and then they get unbelievingly bad. My body aches and my soul feels sore. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. My sleep schedule is fucked, ditto my eating habits, ditto my emotional state. Tango is literally the only thing that makes me feel alive at the present moment. I simply get more and more into it.
All works here are copyrighted. Images used are not mine unless otherwise stated. I've found all of them on tumblr.
5.12.12
25.11.12
Theory #25
You may not hear a friendship crack but you most certainly hear it break.
So Sonia came by today to pick up some books. We haven't really talked for what seems like ages. We sat in my room and chit-chatted for about a quarter and suddenly I realised it was time to make the talk. I could no longer hold it in.
I told her that what happend between her and that boy Annie liked had shaken our friendship as well. That I thought the way she handled things was wrong. That I wanted to be straight with her and that my faith in her was more than shaken. I did most of the talking for twenty minutes and I couldn't believe that for once in my life I was explaining things the way I felt them without being overwhelmed by my emotions.
"Was it worth it?" I asked. "Was he worth more than your friendship with Annie?"
"I don't regret a thing."
"That's good. I'm glad to hear it." Because guilt can be a hard thing and I don't feel the need to punish her neither do I wish she is in pain.
When she left I think she was about to cry but then again I'm never certain of her emotions. I then opened the window of my bedroom full open. Her perfume was in the air and I couldn't breathe.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I destroyed whatever it was that was left of our friendship. But it was worth it. I won't have to pretend everything's alright anymore.
So Sonia came by today to pick up some books. We haven't really talked for what seems like ages. We sat in my room and chit-chatted for about a quarter and suddenly I realised it was time to make the talk. I could no longer hold it in.
I told her that what happend between her and that boy Annie liked had shaken our friendship as well. That I thought the way she handled things was wrong. That I wanted to be straight with her and that my faith in her was more than shaken. I did most of the talking for twenty minutes and I couldn't believe that for once in my life I was explaining things the way I felt them without being overwhelmed by my emotions.
"Was it worth it?" I asked. "Was he worth more than your friendship with Annie?"
"I don't regret a thing."
"That's good. I'm glad to hear it." Because guilt can be a hard thing and I don't feel the need to punish her neither do I wish she is in pain.
When she left I think she was about to cry but then again I'm never certain of her emotions. I then opened the window of my bedroom full open. Her perfume was in the air and I couldn't breathe.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I destroyed whatever it was that was left of our friendship. But it was worth it. I won't have to pretend everything's alright anymore.
19.11.12
One of the things I have always felt in my life was the impulse to buy a ticket for another country and never return, severing all ties with my past. And when I say everyone I do mean everyone. Even all those people that I love so much that should something happen to them I'm not sure how I'd be able to go on (mom you're one of them in spite of all the anger I have directed to you over the years). I don't know whether that's because I'm lonely or selfish or ungrateful but nevertheless I have dreamed that ever since I can remember myself.
I've always felt suffocated. Insuficient. Weak. Alone. Try as I might I can't seem to break through that one last feeling. Scarcely does that feeling ever disolve and those moments are few and far in between. And I don't even think it because of others. I think it's me. I seem to be lacking something, someone. And dammit, I can't help this feeling. I feel alone.
And what I hate is that I'm only 18. I'm only 18, that's too young to feel so alone. People tell me that I'm mature for my age, that I've always been. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. All I know is that I need someone, someone with whom things will be more personal. Someone who will make me feel alive.
I've actually been thinking a lot lately about that waiter that Ellie got so antagonistic over. I was thinking about it the other day - the fact that I'm thinking of him that is - and was trying to understand the reason why. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because I am bored? Because Ellie acted like that, because my ego won't let go?
I reached the conclusion that I did it because it's safe. It's safe to think of someone you don't even know, to make scenarios. It's safe because you know they're just that. Scenarios. There is no real person behind those images and therefore nothing to get attached to. Ah, but to know someone, to actually risk getting to know them, to invest so much in that. That's another thing entirely. That could cost you a lot.
Maybe I'm still a bit sore over that L bussiness after all. I feel so reluctant to even go after someone, let alone fall in love. Even though I miss it terribly, I wonder whether perhaps I still have that romantic image of love in my head or maybe I just don't know what I want. I can't help but wonder, will I ever find that person who will inspire me enough to open up to him?
I want to make love with someone and then fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
I don't care about fucking. I may be a virgin but I know that I'm beautiful enough and witty enough (when I want to) to find someone to fuck if I feel like it. Ah but knowing that I can have something as simple as that makes me ache for something that goes way deeper.
Intimacy, contrary to what we may think, is not only in sex scenes. Sometimes it's in the dialogues, when skins are slightly touching or in the way we look each other. That's when complicity rises. That's what most difficult to develop, because in the sex scenes, there is nothing else to do than the movements.
-Francois Arnaud
I've always felt suffocated. Insuficient. Weak. Alone. Try as I might I can't seem to break through that one last feeling. Scarcely does that feeling ever disolve and those moments are few and far in between. And I don't even think it because of others. I think it's me. I seem to be lacking something, someone. And dammit, I can't help this feeling. I feel alone.
And what I hate is that I'm only 18. I'm only 18, that's too young to feel so alone. People tell me that I'm mature for my age, that I've always been. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. All I know is that I need someone, someone with whom things will be more personal. Someone who will make me feel alive.
I've actually been thinking a lot lately about that waiter that Ellie got so antagonistic over. I was thinking about it the other day - the fact that I'm thinking of him that is - and was trying to understand the reason why. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because I am bored? Because Ellie acted like that, because my ego won't let go?
I reached the conclusion that I did it because it's safe. It's safe to think of someone you don't even know, to make scenarios. It's safe because you know they're just that. Scenarios. There is no real person behind those images and therefore nothing to get attached to. Ah, but to know someone, to actually risk getting to know them, to invest so much in that. That's another thing entirely. That could cost you a lot.
Maybe I'm still a bit sore over that L bussiness after all. I feel so reluctant to even go after someone, let alone fall in love. Even though I miss it terribly, I wonder whether perhaps I still have that romantic image of love in my head or maybe I just don't know what I want. I can't help but wonder, will I ever find that person who will inspire me enough to open up to him?
I want to make love with someone and then fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
I don't care about fucking. I may be a virgin but I know that I'm beautiful enough and witty enough (when I want to) to find someone to fuck if I feel like it. Ah but knowing that I can have something as simple as that makes me ache for something that goes way deeper.
Intimacy, contrary to what we may think, is not only in sex scenes. Sometimes it's in the dialogues, when skins are slightly touching or in the way we look each other. That's when complicity rises. That's what most difficult to develop, because in the sex scenes, there is nothing else to do than the movements.
-Francois Arnaud
18.11.12
When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.
Elizabeth Gilbert
I spend most of my days dazed and confused and all that I know for sure is the loneliness.
Emilia
P.S. Things went back to normal. I don't feel much these days so I choose to feel anger just so that I have something to feel. Maybe it will burn away the loneliness.
16.11.12
He messaged.
Soooooo... Well, basically, I knew it was going to happen the moment I decided to upload the photos from dance. I knew he'd message me. I just fucking did. And so he did.
And I'm ignoring the message, I have not even opened it.
I'm not sure why either.
It's just that... Do you ever get that feeling as if you know you're getting yourself into something? You're not quite sure what that is but it is bothering you anyway?
(Fast forward a couple of hours)
In the end I did read the message and replied. It's nothing much, just the usual chit chat. He was asking me about uni said that we "lost contact". You don't say.
In any case I'm much calmer about this all now. I'm pretty sure it will all go back to normal and that we won't talk again for some time. So, basically, this is a rather useless and meaningless post. But I wanted to write it anyway.
And I'm ignoring the message, I have not even opened it.
I'm not sure why either.
It's just that... Do you ever get that feeling as if you know you're getting yourself into something? You're not quite sure what that is but it is bothering you anyway?
(Fast forward a couple of hours)
In the end I did read the message and replied. It's nothing much, just the usual chit chat. He was asking me about uni said that we "lost contact". You don't say.
In any case I'm much calmer about this all now. I'm pretty sure it will all go back to normal and that we won't talk again for some time. So, basically, this is a rather useless and meaningless post. But I wanted to write it anyway.
11.11.12
Tony
I'm not even sure why I feel the need to talk about him at the moment, at 6.30 in the morning but I do and so I will. This is, after all, the place where I can just sort of spill everything that comes to my head.
I have not talked with Tony since I returned from New York, with the exception of one brief conversation we had right after I returned. But the last time we really did talk was some time before that. And for the record, when I say "really talk" I mean something more than just:
"Hey how are you?"
"I'm good, you?"
"Me too".
Those kinds of conversation started right after those exams I had in September. Don't get me wrong, we said those stuff before, but it was more like a part of the conversation not the conversation all by itself. And the thing is all the last times we talked I had initiated the "conversation". With the exception of the message he sent me once I reach New York.
It was line, one word and it read like that: "Welcome." I messaged back and he never got round to answering.
And, ok, I'll admit, I was hurt. One might say that I had no right in the sense that, well, nothing happened between us after all so it's not like there were matters to settle and besides that, one might add that I could have tried harder.
And for the past week we're both online at Skype at the same time and we both get the notification that the other is online - not sure why I notice it or if he does - and it's just... it's bothering me. It's selfish and I have no right and I know that but still... he bothers me. Every day. Not all the time but every day.
And I still get that feeling when you live a moment and in your head you think "Oh, I should remember to tell him this or that." And it's freaking annoying me because I'm not sure whether I'm doing that because I am really, truly, genually interested or simply because I want to fall in love and finally, finally get to see what a relationship is like, trying to connect with someone is like and generally because I'm lonely. Or a selfish bitch who can't take a blow to her ego. Pick whatever.
So I'm choosing to stay away for the mere reason that I'm not sure whether Tony is a person of interest or a boredom scapegoat.
And I don't want to be the kind of person that keeps people as "options".
Even if I may be one.
I have not talked with Tony since I returned from New York, with the exception of one brief conversation we had right after I returned. But the last time we really did talk was some time before that. And for the record, when I say "really talk" I mean something more than just:
"Hey how are you?"
"I'm good, you?"
"Me too".
Those kinds of conversation started right after those exams I had in September. Don't get me wrong, we said those stuff before, but it was more like a part of the conversation not the conversation all by itself. And the thing is all the last times we talked I had initiated the "conversation". With the exception of the message he sent me once I reach New York.
It was line, one word and it read like that: "Welcome." I messaged back and he never got round to answering.
And, ok, I'll admit, I was hurt. One might say that I had no right in the sense that, well, nothing happened between us after all so it's not like there were matters to settle and besides that, one might add that I could have tried harder.
And for the past week we're both online at Skype at the same time and we both get the notification that the other is online - not sure why I notice it or if he does - and it's just... it's bothering me. It's selfish and I have no right and I know that but still... he bothers me. Every day. Not all the time but every day.
And I still get that feeling when you live a moment and in your head you think "Oh, I should remember to tell him this or that." And it's freaking annoying me because I'm not sure whether I'm doing that because I am really, truly, genually interested or simply because I want to fall in love and finally, finally get to see what a relationship is like, trying to connect with someone is like and generally because I'm lonely. Or a selfish bitch who can't take a blow to her ego. Pick whatever.
So I'm choosing to stay away for the mere reason that I'm not sure whether Tony is a person of interest or a boredom scapegoat.
And I don't want to be the kind of person that keeps people as "options".
Even if I may be one.
Music
I love music that makes my heart ache like falling in love.
I love music that makes my heart dance as if I'm in love.
I love music that makes my emotions stonger than me
and beyond me.
I'm lonely and without a love.
But still I ache as if I am in love
Lone
Without a lover.
I love music that makes my heart dance as if I'm in love.
I love music that makes my emotions stonger than me
and beyond me.
I'm lonely and without a love.
But still I ache as if I am in love
Lone
Without a lover.
8.11.12
Fragments
I had missed smoking. I had missed it so fucking much. I just did. So when I had the opportunity to smoke once again, I took it and chain-smoked about six cigarets one after the other. The ridiculous thing is that I've never actually smoked, just a cigaret here and there, in between months. Yet every day my fingers ache for it and I bring them to my face as if they're holding an invisible cigar. And I don't even like the stuff. I kept drinking vodka and wine to wash off the taste.
And it felt... good in a peculiar way. As if my worries were being burned away. Turned into ashes and smoke. As if I were, or at least the parts of me that I prefer to ignore, were turned into ashes. But when I left and afterwards returned to the empty apartment I realised that our faults, like our memories and everything that makes us up, may be momentarily burned, but the stale smell that covers everything afterwards and hangs in the inside of your nostrils, in your lungs, is evidence of what has exactly happened.
And only you can change something you don't like.
I pressed my back against the wall and locked the door and then went to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed. I didn't wake up until my phone rung the following morning. I slept in the arms of an invisible lover - I really do wish there was someone. I'm not interested in anyone at the moment and though I'm content, I'm also lonely. I wish I had someone to keep warm with under the covers.
I'll try to never smoke again.
And it felt... good in a peculiar way. As if my worries were being burned away. Turned into ashes and smoke. As if I were, or at least the parts of me that I prefer to ignore, were turned into ashes. But when I left and afterwards returned to the empty apartment I realised that our faults, like our memories and everything that makes us up, may be momentarily burned, but the stale smell that covers everything afterwards and hangs in the inside of your nostrils, in your lungs, is evidence of what has exactly happened.
And only you can change something you don't like.
I pressed my back against the wall and locked the door and then went to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed. I didn't wake up until my phone rung the following morning. I slept in the arms of an invisible lover - I really do wish there was someone. I'm not interested in anyone at the moment and though I'm content, I'm also lonely. I wish I had someone to keep warm with under the covers.
I'll try to never smoke again.
21.10.12
Fragments #9
It's been a long time, I know. In my head I kept writing posts and notes and in real life I kept on post-poning writing them. I talked with Ellie before I left for New York one quiet September night, while we were sitting on a bench somewhere in the city.
I was as calm and careful as I could.
As diplomatic as I could.
And she listened.
And said she was sorry.
And it still feels as if she's too far away.
I know why she is like this, so judgemental, shallow even. I know how she has been raised, how she has been treated, demeaned, all her life. By her own parents. Her own family. I can see where she's coming from. I understand. That's why I don't blame her as much. That's why I excuse things that piss me off.
Like her telling me to try and get out of the uni that I just got in, inspite of the fact that I like it, because "I have no talent for it." I have not even tried it! It has always been like that with things I wanted to try out. She always says "You don't have the talent for it." But I have not tried seriously.
And even if I don't have a particular talent in something, damn it, my best friend should not be the unsupportive one.
So we speak. We talk. It feels as if a connection has been lost.
New York was... It was different. Comforting. Even though I was a stranger, I felt at home in its bustling streets. I felt content with the anonymity, with the ability to just sit down and observe the people around you. I felt surounded by people, and their stories, and their lights, and the stories of their lights. I felt like I could make anything happen. I felt I had opportunities and if I didn't, I could make some.
I liked the feeling of the city. I could probably live there.
The anonymity. The opportunity to begin from a blank slate.
That's what I would like.
I was as calm and careful as I could.
As diplomatic as I could.
And she listened.
And said she was sorry.
And it still feels as if she's too far away.
I know why she is like this, so judgemental, shallow even. I know how she has been raised, how she has been treated, demeaned, all her life. By her own parents. Her own family. I can see where she's coming from. I understand. That's why I don't blame her as much. That's why I excuse things that piss me off.
Like her telling me to try and get out of the uni that I just got in, inspite of the fact that I like it, because "I have no talent for it." I have not even tried it! It has always been like that with things I wanted to try out. She always says "You don't have the talent for it." But I have not tried seriously.
And even if I don't have a particular talent in something, damn it, my best friend should not be the unsupportive one.
So we speak. We talk. It feels as if a connection has been lost.
New York was... It was different. Comforting. Even though I was a stranger, I felt at home in its bustling streets. I felt content with the anonymity, with the ability to just sit down and observe the people around you. I felt surounded by people, and their stories, and their lights, and the stories of their lights. I felt like I could make anything happen. I felt I had opportunities and if I didn't, I could make some.
I liked the feeling of the city. I could probably live there.
The anonymity. The opportunity to begin from a blank slate.
That's what I would like.
16.9.12
Theory #24
You may things have not changed, caught up as you are in your hectic life, but they are shifting around you.
Until, suddenly, you stop and realise nothing's the way you remembered.
I'm not sure where to begin. Or what to say for that matter. I'm not sure what has changed or when, all I know is that nothing feels the same and yet they seem that way.
Things with Ellie... they feel tight somehow, wrong. I'm being the coward, not facing the problem, not saying a word. I should say something. Before I leave for New York. Then maybe she'll have time to think things over while I'm gone. Or I will. i'm not quite sure which one of us is the one who has to do the thinking. Maybe we're just drifting apart, the way people sometimes do. Perhaps it's only natural and unstoppable but I'm not sure I'm fond of the idea that we're no the ones shaping our future.
It feels too much as an excuse and too much as a reason to give up.
As for Tony... I guess distance finally played its part. I had some exams and we couldn't talk for a week because I slept early during that time, and then we chatted a bit last Monday before one of his classes. And after that... silence. I'm not sure whether it's because he wants to see whether I'll message him or because he's otherwise occupied or I am or both of us. Or maybe it's just the damn distance.
I don't miss him that much, at least not in that over played, over dramatised way that is shown in the movie. The absence of our talks hits me subtly, when I'm alone, when the hubbub of my friends has died away, when I feel the need to shut out all the light and just let good music play, when I feel like swaying to its rhythm. His memory comes at the most quiet moments.
In the silence.
@Bathwater: Leave your email in the comments below because when I go to your blog it opens up Outlook and I don't know how to use it (I did not forget you even if it seemed that way).
Until, suddenly, you stop and realise nothing's the way you remembered.
I'm not sure where to begin. Or what to say for that matter. I'm not sure what has changed or when, all I know is that nothing feels the same and yet they seem that way.
Things with Ellie... they feel tight somehow, wrong. I'm being the coward, not facing the problem, not saying a word. I should say something. Before I leave for New York. Then maybe she'll have time to think things over while I'm gone. Or I will. i'm not quite sure which one of us is the one who has to do the thinking. Maybe we're just drifting apart, the way people sometimes do. Perhaps it's only natural and unstoppable but I'm not sure I'm fond of the idea that we're no the ones shaping our future.
It feels too much as an excuse and too much as a reason to give up.
As for Tony... I guess distance finally played its part. I had some exams and we couldn't talk for a week because I slept early during that time, and then we chatted a bit last Monday before one of his classes. And after that... silence. I'm not sure whether it's because he wants to see whether I'll message him or because he's otherwise occupied or I am or both of us. Or maybe it's just the damn distance.
I don't miss him that much, at least not in that over played, over dramatised way that is shown in the movie. The absence of our talks hits me subtly, when I'm alone, when the hubbub of my friends has died away, when I feel the need to shut out all the light and just let good music play, when I feel like swaying to its rhythm. His memory comes at the most quiet moments.
In the silence.
@Bathwater: Leave your email in the comments below because when I go to your blog it opens up Outlook and I don't know how to use it (I did not forget you even if it seemed that way).
19.8.12
10 things I hate about you
At some point I need to learn to follow my own advice. Just saying.
August has been lazy and rather fruitless.
Tony has kept in touch. And I'm frustrated, not at him but at me. Because part of me can see where this is all going. And it feels as if I'm heading there nonetheless.
I hate that he tells me he loves Christmas because it's full of lights and happiness and it's the time for falling in love. Yes, thank you I know that.
I hate how he calls me his dance partner, the way he tells me that of course we synchronise, we dance together.
I hate how private it felt when he found my big glasses funny - "I didn't say they don't suit you, they're just a bit big". It didn't even feel insulting. It was like we were old friends.
I hate how everytime we talk on skype we end up talking for over an hour joking and speaking about our lives and routines and Christmas and New York.
I hate the way I feel when he asks me to visit him.
I hate that once he logged on Skype right after class and then we chatted for an hour.
I hate the loneliness I sometimes feel when we don't talk.
I hate feeling guilty for fantasing I'm with someone else.
I hate hating the messages we send because I'd rather we talk on skype. Text seems so unemotional, I'd rather hear his voice.
I hate that I hate all those things in the first place.
August has been lazy and rather fruitless.
Tony has kept in touch. And I'm frustrated, not at him but at me. Because part of me can see where this is all going. And it feels as if I'm heading there nonetheless.
I hate that he tells me he loves Christmas because it's full of lights and happiness and it's the time for falling in love. Yes, thank you I know that.
I hate how he calls me his dance partner, the way he tells me that of course we synchronise, we dance together.
I hate how private it felt when he found my big glasses funny - "I didn't say they don't suit you, they're just a bit big". It didn't even feel insulting. It was like we were old friends.
I hate how everytime we talk on skype we end up talking for over an hour joking and speaking about our lives and routines and Christmas and New York.
I hate the way I feel when he asks me to visit him.
I hate that once he logged on Skype right after class and then we chatted for an hour.
I hate the loneliness I sometimes feel when we don't talk.
I hate feeling guilty for fantasing I'm with someone else.
I hate hating the messages we send because I'd rather we talk on skype. Text seems so unemotional, I'd rather hear his voice.
I hate that I hate all those things in the first place.
31.7.12
I think I make things tough inside my head...
For the record,
Tony did call
one day
before I left for vacation.
"You're still asleep?"
I stayed up late watching a movie.
"Cool. You free tomorrow?" Hearing those words made me swear iOn tnwardly.
I had been waiting
for two weeks.
I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow.
In the morning.
"Fuck.
You free today?
I could
try to cancel some stuff."
We both tried but didn't make it. He left the country for the US on my birthday. He said he'd message me once he got online.
I was on the vacation along with Ellie, Mollie and Mishka. We found this cool bar that played rock and rock'n'roll music. There was thic sute waiter there with whom I danced once (wow, I was one of the few he danced with - all. week. long. that is). He had the whole rock'n'roll thing going on and he was a good dancer. Ellie got really antagonistic with me over him and it really fucking pissed me off because the way she did it was very aggressive and possesive. I mean, we all four drooled over him - it was inevitable - but her manner annoyed me, she sometimes acted like a 15-year-old.
And now I feel like a bitch for thinking of that. I mean, I only danced once with the guy and we only spoke again when I asked him to put a particular song on and when he asked whether he could take away some empty plates and I re-ordered those beers that hadn't come. (It took ages to communicate with him, and he kept looking in my eyes it was unnerving. And he wanted to learn from who we had ordered them before. Ok. Took him ages to bring them - only when another waiter went to get them - and then he sort of slammed them on the table). (I think he regarded us as some sort of groupies).
(Mollie fucked one of his friends. why am I even writing that?)
But what annoyed me the most was the fact that Ellie kept on mentioning Tony whenever I mentioned the waiter. Once she even told me "You don't like this guy, you're in love with Tony."
Fuck it, I'm not in love with Tony. I didn't have the chance to be. If we had had a little bit of more time, if we had managed to go out, if something actually had happened, then yes, I would have been. Falling, really, completely and utterly falling was so easy with him. But our timing was too bad, even if he wants to keep in touch.
I don't think I can emotionally get invested in someone who lives half-accross the world, someone who I don't know what he does, what he thinks, someone I don't really know that well. I can't fall for someone who isn' here.
I can't wait for someone when I don't know who and why I'm waiting, or even whether I should be waiting.
And Ellie sometimes makes me feel as if she's jealous of me, as if she wants to bring me down. But I know I'm only being paranoid.
And Tony messaged me yesterday. We've messaged via Facebook the last couple of days (or is it nights?). And we've mostly chit-chatted,
a voice inside my head going
what
are you doing
this
is not even actual communication
just
mindless talking between strangers
why
are you even bothering?
why
is he even?
Tony did call
one day
before I left for vacation.
"You're still asleep?"
I stayed up late watching a movie.
"Cool. You free tomorrow?" Hearing those words made me swear iOn tnwardly.
I had been waiting
for two weeks.
I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow.
In the morning.
"Fuck.
You free today?
I could
try to cancel some stuff."
We both tried but didn't make it. He left the country for the US on my birthday. He said he'd message me once he got online.
I was on the vacation along with Ellie, Mollie and Mishka. We found this cool bar that played rock and rock'n'roll music. There was thic sute waiter there with whom I danced once (wow, I was one of the few he danced with - all. week. long. that is). He had the whole rock'n'roll thing going on and he was a good dancer. Ellie got really antagonistic with me over him and it really fucking pissed me off because the way she did it was very aggressive and possesive. I mean, we all four drooled over him - it was inevitable - but her manner annoyed me, she sometimes acted like a 15-year-old.
And now I feel like a bitch for thinking of that. I mean, I only danced once with the guy and we only spoke again when I asked him to put a particular song on and when he asked whether he could take away some empty plates and I re-ordered those beers that hadn't come. (It took ages to communicate with him, and he kept looking in my eyes it was unnerving. And he wanted to learn from who we had ordered them before. Ok. Took him ages to bring them - only when another waiter went to get them - and then he sort of slammed them on the table). (I think he regarded us as some sort of groupies).
(Mollie fucked one of his friends. why am I even writing that?)
But what annoyed me the most was the fact that Ellie kept on mentioning Tony whenever I mentioned the waiter. Once she even told me "You don't like this guy, you're in love with Tony."
Fuck it, I'm not in love with Tony. I didn't have the chance to be. If we had had a little bit of more time, if we had managed to go out, if something actually had happened, then yes, I would have been. Falling, really, completely and utterly falling was so easy with him. But our timing was too bad, even if he wants to keep in touch.
I don't think I can emotionally get invested in someone who lives half-accross the world, someone who I don't know what he does, what he thinks, someone I don't really know that well. I can't fall for someone who isn' here.
I can't wait for someone when I don't know who and why I'm waiting, or even whether I should be waiting.
And Ellie sometimes makes me feel as if she's jealous of me, as if she wants to bring me down. But I know I'm only being paranoid.
And Tony messaged me yesterday. We've messaged via Facebook the last couple of days (or is it nights?). And we've mostly chit-chatted,
a voice inside my head going
what
are you doing
this
is not even actual communication
just
mindless talking between strangers
why
are you even bothering?
why
is he even?
13.7.12
Theory #23: When something goes well, expect something else to go wrong.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one area of your life starts going well another falls spectacularly to pieces, said Bridget Jones.
She forgot to mention that the opposite rarely applies.
I begun the preparation for the University of Fine Arts, I got over L and now I sort of fancy Tony. Remember Tony? My tango partner? Yeah well, the thing is that when I talk about him I blush immensely and that when we had a two-hour-long rehearsal we rehearsed for half an hour and we talked the rest. He makes me laugh and when we dance together I relax. When he looks into my eyes he makes me smile immediatelly.
That's... not good exactly, in the sense that I just got over someone whom I liked for the past three years, I'm not sure that falling for someone else is the safest thing to do. Especially if that someone is leaving the country by the end of the month and won't be back for a few months.
Even if he said he'd call me this week to go out, even if he's made that dreamy smile of those in love return to my lips, it's not good. What? Oh, ok, yes I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about something that feels so good and lifts my spirits.
I missed it though. I missed the excitement of liking someone, the excitement of talking to that person so easily. I've missed going to bed with no tears in my eyes, no heavy heart, no painful thoughts. I've missed that beat that your heart skips at the prospect of a message, the anxious checking of the phone, the secret smiles, the possibility of something happening. Something new, with someone new, with no past history and bitterness following at your heels. I've missed private jokes that you make without thinking God, these only matter to me for sure.
I miss this feeling of falling in love instead of being in a bruised love.
And then I learn about Sonia and Annie. You have to understand that I have circles of close friends. My close friends from one circle are not necesserily friends with the other circle. So Annie, Sonia and I are on circle of close friends. Annie has been in love with this guy for three years now (what is it with number three?). Mad, passionate love, the kind of love you read in Neruda's poems, the all-consuming type.
And Sonia has been talking the entire time with that guy, texting about this and that, with him saying that he likes her and her agreeing to go out with him. All behind Annie's back. A friend of Annie's checked their messages along with Annie (not ethical I know) and they were even... they made fun of Annie.
How do you do that? How do you laugh at someone's agony when you know it firsthand, when you're one of their closest friends, when you're someone who's trusted? How can you give the kiss of Judas?
Betrayal is a bitter drink. And suddenly everything within the gang (there are others in this circle but the three of us were the closest) is in pieces and I'm trying to keep Annie together and I can't for the life of me understand how I did not see that coming.
I'm just trying to keep everything together, my head's in pieces, my heart is too and suddenly the drawing I have to do for the school is not the art I want to make.
She forgot to mention that the opposite rarely applies.
I begun the preparation for the University of Fine Arts, I got over L and now I sort of fancy Tony. Remember Tony? My tango partner? Yeah well, the thing is that when I talk about him I blush immensely and that when we had a two-hour-long rehearsal we rehearsed for half an hour and we talked the rest. He makes me laugh and when we dance together I relax. When he looks into my eyes he makes me smile immediatelly.
That's... not good exactly, in the sense that I just got over someone whom I liked for the past three years, I'm not sure that falling for someone else is the safest thing to do. Especially if that someone is leaving the country by the end of the month and won't be back for a few months.
Even if he said he'd call me this week to go out, even if he's made that dreamy smile of those in love return to my lips, it's not good. What? Oh, ok, yes I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about something that feels so good and lifts my spirits.
I missed it though. I missed the excitement of liking someone, the excitement of talking to that person so easily. I've missed going to bed with no tears in my eyes, no heavy heart, no painful thoughts. I've missed that beat that your heart skips at the prospect of a message, the anxious checking of the phone, the secret smiles, the possibility of something happening. Something new, with someone new, with no past history and bitterness following at your heels. I've missed private jokes that you make without thinking God, these only matter to me for sure.
I miss this feeling of falling in love instead of being in a bruised love.
And then I learn about Sonia and Annie. You have to understand that I have circles of close friends. My close friends from one circle are not necesserily friends with the other circle. So Annie, Sonia and I are on circle of close friends. Annie has been in love with this guy for three years now (what is it with number three?). Mad, passionate love, the kind of love you read in Neruda's poems, the all-consuming type.
And Sonia has been talking the entire time with that guy, texting about this and that, with him saying that he likes her and her agreeing to go out with him. All behind Annie's back. A friend of Annie's checked their messages along with Annie (not ethical I know) and they were even... they made fun of Annie.
How do you do that? How do you laugh at someone's agony when you know it firsthand, when you're one of their closest friends, when you're someone who's trusted? How can you give the kiss of Judas?
Betrayal is a bitter drink. And suddenly everything within the gang (there are others in this circle but the three of us were the closest) is in pieces and I'm trying to keep Annie together and I can't for the life of me understand how I did not see that coming.
I'm just trying to keep everything together, my head's in pieces, my heart is too and suddenly the drawing I have to do for the school is not the art I want to make.
29.6.12
Fragments #8
The shoes pinch my toes. I have to lean against the wall to stand. The theater is a summer one and when looking up you can see the sky. I press myself against the wall and look up at the starry sky as I hear the other actors say their lines and the applause. And then it is my turn to go on the stage. I do the converasation as I am supposed to do. Then, infuriated (as the character of the role I played becomes), I raise my voice high, high enough that nothing moves in the theater, no sound is heard. I shout a cry for union, a cry of despair. At that moment, I am not me, I have become one with the role I played, small as it may have been.
When I get backstage people tell "Now this was some serious voice. Some serious balls."
But my knees trembled all the while.
Later, around 3a.m. we get a cab, S, L and I. Some of the others decided to go back on foot. The driver asks the boys how come we got a taxi and L said "We had the safety of the girl to mind. We couldn't let her go back home alone."
It was appreciated.
I'm looking for some sort of the familiar fluttering in my stomach but there's only an echo of it.
I hope L remembers to bring me back my keys.
P.S. To Bathwater: Thank you for your comments. I had no way to contact you so I say so here.
When I get backstage people tell "Now this was some serious voice. Some serious balls."
But my knees trembled all the while.
Later, around 3a.m. we get a cab, S, L and I. Some of the others decided to go back on foot. The driver asks the boys how come we got a taxi and L said "We had the safety of the girl to mind. We couldn't let her go back home alone."
It was appreciated.
I'm looking for some sort of the familiar fluttering in my stomach but there's only an echo of it.
I hope L remembers to bring me back my keys.
P.S. To Bathwater: Thank you for your comments. I had no way to contact you so I say so here.
17.6.12
Theory #22: Instict never lies.
Always trust your instics. According to researchers, the reason we have it is because it's the best way for our subconscious to warn us about something we have not acknowledged.
My instict was right on Wensday when I had the feeling Tony wouldn't come to rehearsal. He called me to cancel. His grandpa had a stroke. I texted him on Thursday. He said his grandpa is not stable yet.
It was also right about yesterday when L brought his fucking girlfriend with him at the party of a mutual friend. When did he ever even get a girlfriend? She's the first of his girlfriends that took an instant dislike at. They kept kissing and once as they were kissing he lifted her and twirled her around.
And nearly landed her on me. It took real zeal on my part to not punch him in the face.
But on the brightside, I felt nothing when I was told that his girlfriend was coming as well. Nothing. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm not that into him anymore and I just hadn't realised it. Maybe my feelings for him had indeed been a routine after a certain point.
I had told Annie that this Saturday either something will happen between us or it will end.
It ended.
And all I feel is relief. He has a girlfriend now and I have no reason to analyse his every move to understand what the fuck goes on in his head. I can, at last, move on.
At least I hope so.
I hope from now on I'll have someone else to write about.
My instict was right on Wensday when I had the feeling Tony wouldn't come to rehearsal. He called me to cancel. His grandpa had a stroke. I texted him on Thursday. He said his grandpa is not stable yet.
It was also right about yesterday when L brought his fucking girlfriend with him at the party of a mutual friend. When did he ever even get a girlfriend? She's the first of his girlfriends that took an instant dislike at. They kept kissing and once as they were kissing he lifted her and twirled her around.
And nearly landed her on me. It took real zeal on my part to not punch him in the face.
But on the brightside, I felt nothing when I was told that his girlfriend was coming as well. Nothing. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm not that into him anymore and I just hadn't realised it. Maybe my feelings for him had indeed been a routine after a certain point.
I had told Annie that this Saturday either something will happen between us or it will end.
It ended.
And all I feel is relief. He has a girlfriend now and I have no reason to analyse his every move to understand what the fuck goes on in his head. I can, at last, move on.
At least I hope so.
I hope from now on I'll have someone else to write about.
29.5.12
Diary Entry #5
I haven't spoken with L for a week, even though I did occasionally see him. He didn't speak to me either, except for a "bye", when I left yesterday, after having ignored for some time a question I made and instead speaking with Ire. I was a bit irked but I let it go.
To be honest I have not spent much time thinking about him this past week. Mostly because I make sure I become busy with something else, therefore I don't think, therefore I don't think about him. And when I don't have something to do I call one of my friends and their endless chattering keeps my thoughts elsewhere occupied. Of course, from time to time they stray towards him and then I harshly bring them back and give them something and ponder over. Like the exams, which I'm failing and I don't really give a fuck about.
Or mother and how nice she's been lately and how happy with her boyfriend and how good he treats her. I couldn't sleep the other day and I was on the pc and mom was watching a show on tv. I went with her and watched some of it and went back to my bedroom during break. When the break ended she called that it did so. I didn't reallly want to go, I'm not that big a fan of the show but I thought Oh, fuck it. Internet can wait. Really, I just took the change to curl up against her and be close. It's so rare for us to get along. I wish I had more moments like that with mom.
And papa came back for a few days, now he has to go again but he took me out for lunch yesterday and then for a drink in the afternoon. We'll go out today as well. He won't be back for a month, and I will miss him so so much. He's been calling me every morning before my exam to wish me luck even though he can barely manage to wake up before 9 - he's not a morning person yet he'll call me at 6.30 in the morning when I wake up to wish me luck. And the night before to tell me not to worry. And when I mess up with the exams he shrugs and say it's ok, it's not the end of the world.
We were talking yesterday and i learnt that when he was younger he used to have a restaurant with a friend. I had no idea! And he told me some stories about his papa, whom I never had a chance to meet because he died when my papa was still young. There are so many things I don't know about the people I love.
When I speak with papa he makes me feel as if I can achieve anything I ever want to achieve. He makes me feel like I am this amazing person who is beautiful and smart and kind. He believes in me and he shows it so much that sometimes I feel stronger. Mama is like that too. When she speaks about me, she does so with such confidence that I often wonder why I lack it. I've often been told that I look strong and friendly and confident - how the hell to I manage to give that impression?
But in sort, the past week has been, I dare say, happy. Quiet. I've been listening to Cure and Nouvelle Vague and been reading book and drawing and organising tips in my head. I've been at peace.
And that is one of the most precious things in the world.
To be honest I have not spent much time thinking about him this past week. Mostly because I make sure I become busy with something else, therefore I don't think, therefore I don't think about him. And when I don't have something to do I call one of my friends and their endless chattering keeps my thoughts elsewhere occupied. Of course, from time to time they stray towards him and then I harshly bring them back and give them something and ponder over. Like the exams, which I'm failing and I don't really give a fuck about.
Or mother and how nice she's been lately and how happy with her boyfriend and how good he treats her. I couldn't sleep the other day and I was on the pc and mom was watching a show on tv. I went with her and watched some of it and went back to my bedroom during break. When the break ended she called that it did so. I didn't reallly want to go, I'm not that big a fan of the show but I thought Oh, fuck it. Internet can wait. Really, I just took the change to curl up against her and be close. It's so rare for us to get along. I wish I had more moments like that with mom.
And papa came back for a few days, now he has to go again but he took me out for lunch yesterday and then for a drink in the afternoon. We'll go out today as well. He won't be back for a month, and I will miss him so so much. He's been calling me every morning before my exam to wish me luck even though he can barely manage to wake up before 9 - he's not a morning person yet he'll call me at 6.30 in the morning when I wake up to wish me luck. And the night before to tell me not to worry. And when I mess up with the exams he shrugs and say it's ok, it's not the end of the world.
We were talking yesterday and i learnt that when he was younger he used to have a restaurant with a friend. I had no idea! And he told me some stories about his papa, whom I never had a chance to meet because he died when my papa was still young. There are so many things I don't know about the people I love.
When I speak with papa he makes me feel as if I can achieve anything I ever want to achieve. He makes me feel like I am this amazing person who is beautiful and smart and kind. He believes in me and he shows it so much that sometimes I feel stronger. Mama is like that too. When she speaks about me, she does so with such confidence that I often wonder why I lack it. I've often been told that I look strong and friendly and confident - how the hell to I manage to give that impression?
But in sort, the past week has been, I dare say, happy. Quiet. I've been listening to Cure and Nouvelle Vague and been reading book and drawing and organising tips in my head. I've been at peace.
And that is one of the most precious things in the world.
21.5.12
Theory #21: When a guy tells you about his exes, he's either trying to get a reaction or he's just not that into you. Aka: you've been friendzoned. Big time.
People see what they want to see. That's why everyone has a different perspectives. Ask five different people on the same event, where they were present, and you will get five different opinions. If you combine them what you'll get is a jumbled mess. And out of that you might, just might, get something that is still somewhere between fiction and reality.
Thus with the human heart and the human emotions.
Really, I've been blind. It's not his faultI think it's mine. I just didn't want to accept the truth. So the truth bitchslapped in the face.
That kind of hurt.
Today after the exam T, S and L thought about going for a walk. I was the last person leaving so s told me to tag along - seriously, he's such a nice guy it's killing me. I thought I should decline, I felt I'd be the extra, the outsider. and I told them that I might be in the way. You might want to discuss your things.
T rolled his eyes and then turned to S and told him in a falsetto voice "Come on darling, let's go discuss our things. Come on Em."
L was ahead of us talking on the phone.
And I deeply regret going.
The whole time I felt unwanted even though S and T kept talking to me. I felt an extra, a baggage. L barely spoke to me. and it got awkward (for me anyway). It was like I wasn't there - like I said, for L. His friends teased me just fine. But that's ok 'cause they're my friends too (not best friends but we do hang out sometimes). We're friends.
And after S left - God I thought I might as well escape - T said to me, "Come little one."
And we walked some some more and L started telling me about his exes and how once he dated an older girl - to whom he had told he was older- and how she figured out he was younger.
And it was much more relaxed then in the sense that I didn't feel a pariah but I hoped the earth would open up and swallom me whole. Funny thing: that never happens when actually want it to. Never.
So yeah. I've been friendzoned. Big time. I might as well get used to it. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I have to get over him. Any suggestions?
Did I mention that I might be seeing him for the biggest part of the summer? Because of a play we're taking part to?
Oh, it's going to be a long summer.
Thus with the human heart and the human emotions.
Really, I've been blind. It's not his fault
That kind of hurt.
Today after the exam T, S and L thought about going for a walk. I was the last person leaving so s told me to tag along - seriously, he's such a nice guy it's killing me. I thought I should decline, I felt I'd be the extra, the outsider. and I told them that I might be in the way. You might want to discuss your things.
T rolled his eyes and then turned to S and told him in a falsetto voice "Come on darling, let's go discuss our things. Come on Em."
L was ahead of us talking on the phone.
And I deeply regret going.
The whole time I felt unwanted even though S and T kept talking to me. I felt an extra, a baggage. L barely spoke to me. and it got awkward (for me anyway). It was like I wasn't there - like I said, for L. His friends teased me just fine. But that's ok 'cause they're my friends too (not best friends but we do hang out sometimes). We're friends.
And after S left - God I thought I might as well escape - T said to me, "Come little one."
And we walked some some more and L started telling me about his exes and how once he dated an older girl - to whom he had told he was older- and how she figured out he was younger.
And it was much more relaxed then in the sense that I didn't feel a pariah but I hoped the earth would open up and swallom me whole. Funny thing: that never happens when actually want it to. Never.
So yeah. I've been friendzoned. Big time. I might as well get used to it. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I have to get over him. Any suggestions?
Did I mention that I might be seeing him for the biggest part of the summer? Because of a play we're taking part to?
Oh, it's going to be a long summer.
18.5.12
Fragments #7
For a blog that is called "Emilia's theories" this has very few theories.
Maybe I'll change it to "Fragments and theories"
Friday morning and I am alone. I wake up feeling L next to me, although the closest our bodies have been was when I was crying and he held me. The past few days I cry at night for no particular reason. I press the pillow to me, pretending it's him that holds me. We all need someone to hold us from time to time. And there's usually a particular "someone" we want.
It's Thursday evening and Tony has not come to the tango class. I feel disappointed. I call him afterwards and he calls me back. He says he didn't forget but he was training and because of the bad weather he couldn't reach the port. He'll make it up to me he says. I smile and say it's ok and tell him that they brought some dresses for the show of July.
"How were they?"
"They were... um... they were... bad. A lot."
"Are these the ones you'll wear?"
"God, no! They were some suggestions," I say as I cross the street.
He asks me when my exams begin. Monday, I tell him.
"Well, I'm gonna call you on sunday and wish you luck." I thank him and we don't hang up. We keep talking for a while and the discussion goes to his cats (no idea how that happened). We talk a bit more and then we both sort of have to go.
"Talk to you soon."
It's Thursday morning and during tutoring F touches my leg lightly with his hand. It was a signal about something the teacher said but it felt weird. He's been talking to me more now. Not sure that's a good thing. At night, after the tutoring (we had both in the morning and then after 8.30p.m.) F, the rest of the guys in my class and I order pizzas and beers. We all tease each other, in the comfortable way friends do. (We just hang out well that's all).
Then later F texts me "If I insulted you, I'm sorry I got carried away having fun... You're not mad, are you?"
I call him and ask what the hell he's talking about and he says nothing, it's just that sometimes he gets carried away and says bullshit.
I think now he was referring to how he and M were teasing me about the unfeminine way I said something the other day. I was sleepless and not very graceful. My only answer to them was "I'm feminine only when it matters. And with those that I want to be."
Wensday noon. We throw a surprise party at girl for her birthday over at her place, us the kids from the theatrical team. I ask a guy if the told L. He comes to me panicking few minutes later and tells me they forgot then proceeds to call him. He says he can come.
I can be so sly when I want to.
He came afterwards. He was with K at the kitchen and they were discussing about the upcoming exams. K left afterwards then Chris came for some water, along with this girl M. We somehow discussed height and M said that basketball has nothing to do with getting taller. She used to play and yet she's short. Chris and L joked about whether she was sure she was playing basketball and not football.
"You know," I said as I poured water, "we're not experts but I think we can discern one sport from the other."
"Very well," L told me, "What's offsite?"
"Oh for fuck's sake you and the offsite. Why does everybody ask me that?" L laught and at that moment I was happy. Chris started explaining to me what offsite is and L left the kitchen, first squeezing my shoulder a bit as he walked by.
I was sitting next to that girl, Dimi, who's L's friend, and we were talking. Before leaving L came and sat on her lap. They hugged and all the time he kept making funny faces at me.
What's wrong with my taste in men?
After he left I got out, at the balcony, passed by Chris and some other boy and went to the end of the balcony. I watched until his figure was out of sight. I then stayed there, feeling a soft breeze on my face. At that time I wanted to smoke. I don't even like smoking.
After a while I saw Chris coming over.
"Why are you sitting here alone?"
"Too much noise inside."
After that we talked for some time. About his dreams, about mine. Our families. Some guys called us, asked us what we were doing. Talking what does it look like? Chris's a cool guy. We kept talking and at some point people came to collect us. We're going out for drinks after the exams.
Ire likes him. And she's definatelly coming with us for drinks.
It's Thuesday night and I've come to collect Ire from her tutoring. L comes out along her and plays a bit with my dog. I hug Ire and beg her to come to school the following day.
"It's the last day of classes! Our last day as students!"
"Last day?" L asks.
"As far as I know."
"Maybe I'll come then."
"Oh yes, do!" I reply enthusiastically, still holding Ire.
The following day he came.
Maybe I'll change it to "Fragments and theories"
Friday morning and I am alone. I wake up feeling L next to me, although the closest our bodies have been was when I was crying and he held me. The past few days I cry at night for no particular reason. I press the pillow to me, pretending it's him that holds me. We all need someone to hold us from time to time. And there's usually a particular "someone" we want.
It's Thursday evening and Tony has not come to the tango class. I feel disappointed. I call him afterwards and he calls me back. He says he didn't forget but he was training and because of the bad weather he couldn't reach the port. He'll make it up to me he says. I smile and say it's ok and tell him that they brought some dresses for the show of July.
"How were they?"
"They were... um... they were... bad. A lot."
"Are these the ones you'll wear?"
"God, no! They were some suggestions," I say as I cross the street.
He asks me when my exams begin. Monday, I tell him.
"Well, I'm gonna call you on sunday and wish you luck." I thank him and we don't hang up. We keep talking for a while and the discussion goes to his cats (no idea how that happened). We talk a bit more and then we both sort of have to go.
"Talk to you soon."
It's Thursday morning and during tutoring F touches my leg lightly with his hand. It was a signal about something the teacher said but it felt weird. He's been talking to me more now. Not sure that's a good thing. At night, after the tutoring (we had both in the morning and then after 8.30p.m.) F, the rest of the guys in my class and I order pizzas and beers. We all tease each other, in the comfortable way friends do. (We just hang out well that's all).
Then later F texts me "If I insulted you, I'm sorry I got carried away having fun... You're not mad, are you?"
I call him and ask what the hell he's talking about and he says nothing, it's just that sometimes he gets carried away and says bullshit.
I think now he was referring to how he and M were teasing me about the unfeminine way I said something the other day. I was sleepless and not very graceful. My only answer to them was "I'm feminine only when it matters. And with those that I want to be."
Wensday noon. We throw a surprise party at girl for her birthday over at her place, us the kids from the theatrical team. I ask a guy if the told L. He comes to me panicking few minutes later and tells me they forgot then proceeds to call him. He says he can come.
I can be so sly when I want to.
He came afterwards. He was with K at the kitchen and they were discussing about the upcoming exams. K left afterwards then Chris came for some water, along with this girl M. We somehow discussed height and M said that basketball has nothing to do with getting taller. She used to play and yet she's short. Chris and L joked about whether she was sure she was playing basketball and not football.
"You know," I said as I poured water, "we're not experts but I think we can discern one sport from the other."
"Very well," L told me, "What's offsite?"
"Oh for fuck's sake you and the offsite. Why does everybody ask me that?" L laught and at that moment I was happy. Chris started explaining to me what offsite is and L left the kitchen, first squeezing my shoulder a bit as he walked by.
I was sitting next to that girl, Dimi, who's L's friend, and we were talking. Before leaving L came and sat on her lap. They hugged and all the time he kept making funny faces at me.
What's wrong with my taste in men?
After he left I got out, at the balcony, passed by Chris and some other boy and went to the end of the balcony. I watched until his figure was out of sight. I then stayed there, feeling a soft breeze on my face. At that time I wanted to smoke. I don't even like smoking.
After a while I saw Chris coming over.
"Why are you sitting here alone?"
"Too much noise inside."
After that we talked for some time. About his dreams, about mine. Our families. Some guys called us, asked us what we were doing. Talking what does it look like? Chris's a cool guy. We kept talking and at some point people came to collect us. We're going out for drinks after the exams.
Ire likes him. And she's definatelly coming with us for drinks.
It's Thuesday night and I've come to collect Ire from her tutoring. L comes out along her and plays a bit with my dog. I hug Ire and beg her to come to school the following day.
"It's the last day of classes! Our last day as students!"
"Last day?" L asks.
"As far as I know."
"Maybe I'll come then."
"Oh yes, do!" I reply enthusiastically, still holding Ire.
The following day he came.
12.5.12
Fragments #6
It's Friday Night. Past midnight, I lay on my bed. The bedside lamp is on and a yellowy glow fills the room. Amy Winehouse is playing on my pc, softly. My limbs feel sore and stiff, I forgot to stretch after I played basketball during Physics class - I obviously diched the class. My cellphone is next to my ear on the bed and I'm speaking with Annie. she's reading to me some of the texts T has been sending her. It seems to me that he likes her but doesn't dare to say so outright.
I'm trying not to think of L and I fail so I sip my wine instead. I feel lonely and tired and sad. I'm sleepy and my body feels heavy. I exchange goodbyes with Annie and go to sleep but to no avail. Sleep has abandoned me. I twist and turn on my bed trying, hoping, to lose consiousness. I decide to text Ellie.
"Insomnia fucking sucks. Just saying." I type and then press send. And realise than I accidentally texted L instead of Ellie. I bite my lip to keep from screaming - mother is sleeping next door - and prey to God that he is asleep.
He's not. "Huh?" comes the answer.
I apologise quickly, explain that phones with a touch-screen are really stupid and text him goodnight.
"Ok
Goodinght!"
comes the answer. I put the phone on my nightstand, turn around and fall asleep.
It's Thurdsay and I'm at my tango class. My dance partner, Tony has his right hand around my waist and holds me firmly as we swirl on the floor and I fall agaist him as I'm supposed to do - thanks choreography - and re-assures me when I make mistakes. When we talk he makes me laugh and when we dance I blush (though not as much as I did at first). He even makes the thought of L go away for a while (to forget him completely is impossible) and he makes me laugh. Sometimes it's difficult, I wonder what it would feel like to kiss him, tango is difficult when you're lonely. He's 23 and I'm 18. The rest in the group are around 40.
They calls us "the little ones".
It's Wensday night and I'm coming back from tutoring. And suddenly I bump into L. We talk for a while, he says he won't come to school again until the Exams, I tell him that I'll go on Thursday. It's late and I tell him "Well, goodnight then, I wouldn't like to keep you." He shrugs as if he's not tired and wants to go home. Afterwards I'm both sad and happy. Such a weird sensation.
On Friday morning I learn that he went to school on Thursday.
I'm trying not to think of L and I fail so I sip my wine instead. I feel lonely and tired and sad. I'm sleepy and my body feels heavy. I exchange goodbyes with Annie and go to sleep but to no avail. Sleep has abandoned me. I twist and turn on my bed trying, hoping, to lose consiousness. I decide to text Ellie.
"Insomnia fucking sucks. Just saying." I type and then press send. And realise than I accidentally texted L instead of Ellie. I bite my lip to keep from screaming - mother is sleeping next door - and prey to God that he is asleep.
He's not. "Huh?" comes the answer.
I apologise quickly, explain that phones with a touch-screen are really stupid and text him goodnight.
"Ok
Goodinght!"
comes the answer. I put the phone on my nightstand, turn around and fall asleep.
It's Thurdsay and I'm at my tango class. My dance partner, Tony has his right hand around my waist and holds me firmly as we swirl on the floor and I fall agaist him as I'm supposed to do - thanks choreography - and re-assures me when I make mistakes. When we talk he makes me laugh and when we dance I blush (though not as much as I did at first). He even makes the thought of L go away for a while (to forget him completely is impossible) and he makes me laugh. Sometimes it's difficult, I wonder what it would feel like to kiss him, tango is difficult when you're lonely. He's 23 and I'm 18. The rest in the group are around 40.
They calls us "the little ones".
It's Wensday night and I'm coming back from tutoring. And suddenly I bump into L. We talk for a while, he says he won't come to school again until the Exams, I tell him that I'll go on Thursday. It's late and I tell him "Well, goodnight then, I wouldn't like to keep you." He shrugs as if he's not tired and wants to go home. Afterwards I'm both sad and happy. Such a weird sensation.
On Friday morning I learn that he went to school on Thursday.
5.5.12
Oh, and something else.
You're offline, I want you to be online.
I take the dog out for ten minutes and you manage to log in, like photos, comment and log off.
Then you log in and I'm staring at your photo intently telling you to log off (I'm not ok).
Then some random guy I used to like years ago (he liked me back I think) sends me a message on Facebook.
What does my life want from me?
I take the dog out for ten minutes and you manage to log in, like photos, comment and log off.
Then you log in and I'm staring at your photo intently telling you to log off (I'm not ok).
Then some random guy I used to like years ago (he liked me back I think) sends me a message on Facebook.
What does my life want from me?
Theory #20: Apparently there a certain amount of "friendly" you can be before people start thinking you're in love with them.
You have to keep a certain distance, there are boundaries that should never be crossed. Turns out that if you're friendly with someone from the opposite sex they think you fancy them.
Apperantly there can be no friendship between guys and girls.
I'm annoyed. Really. I was talking with Annie on the phone not so long ago. Lately she's been texting with T, L's best friend. Now I'm friends with T. I'm a rather demonstrative person and so I tease him and it's actually kind of funny because as a character he's very guarded and doesn't open up easily. He has actually admitted though that we're friends, not so much to me but rather to other people which made me very happy because all this time I thought that to him I was just this annoying classmate who like's his best friend and he just has to tolerate.
Yes well, now it turns out he thought I also liked him. In fact, texting with Annie yesterday he told her that he felt kind of awkward in the sense that I'm his freiend and he's not sure how to handle it if that is true.
Now, why am I annoyed?
I am annoyed, not because he thought I might like him (I mean, he's a nice guy) but because this is how I am. When I feel close with someone, that we're friends, I immediatelly feel free to sort of be myself with them. I expect them not to think too much of it. Whereas with people I don't feel comfortable with, or people I like, I'm always guarded, I don't tease them much, simply because I don't feel that sort of friendly intimacy with them.
So, where does this leave me?
Oh, I will act as I always do but nevertheless I'm left wondering. Can aboy and girl not have a friendship? Or can they be as long as there are certain boundaries, certain walls that must not be crossed? Is there some rulebook about relationships that I was not informed about? Am I supposed to be overly friendly only with my female friends while with the male friends I must keep them at a certain distance?
Humans confuse me as time goes by.
Also, Annie said that L probably thinks I like T as well. That perhaps that why he's speaking more freely now or he's not making a move (depends on how he feels). Great, that's just great. Why do things get complicated all on their own?
Apperantly there can be no friendship between guys and girls.
I'm annoyed. Really. I was talking with Annie on the phone not so long ago. Lately she's been texting with T, L's best friend. Now I'm friends with T. I'm a rather demonstrative person and so I tease him and it's actually kind of funny because as a character he's very guarded and doesn't open up easily. He has actually admitted though that we're friends, not so much to me but rather to other people which made me very happy because all this time I thought that to him I was just this annoying classmate who like's his best friend and he just has to tolerate.
Yes well, now it turns out he thought I also liked him. In fact, texting with Annie yesterday he told her that he felt kind of awkward in the sense that I'm his freiend and he's not sure how to handle it if that is true.
Now, why am I annoyed?
I am annoyed, not because he thought I might like him (I mean, he's a nice guy) but because this is how I am. When I feel close with someone, that we're friends, I immediatelly feel free to sort of be myself with them. I expect them not to think too much of it. Whereas with people I don't feel comfortable with, or people I like, I'm always guarded, I don't tease them much, simply because I don't feel that sort of friendly intimacy with them.
So, where does this leave me?
Oh, I will act as I always do but nevertheless I'm left wondering. Can aboy and girl not have a friendship? Or can they be as long as there are certain boundaries, certain walls that must not be crossed? Is there some rulebook about relationships that I was not informed about? Am I supposed to be overly friendly only with my female friends while with the male friends I must keep them at a certain distance?
Humans confuse me as time goes by.
Also, Annie said that L probably thinks I like T as well. That perhaps that why he's speaking more freely now or he's not making a move (depends on how he feels). Great, that's just great. Why do things get complicated all on their own?
23.4.12
Theory #19: Somedays can be like the first day of falling in love.
hvknl
You have a spring in your walk, and sigh whenever you see him, and you have lost look on your face, a smile playing on your lips.
I'm sorry I do not know whether it's going to get harder again later on.
I'm not sure what the reason was. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen you in so long. Two weeks. They went by in moments of happiness, sadness and loneliness. I missed you. So much. More than I had thought. And today when we talked I felt so happy, my heart nearly burst when I came down the stairs and saw you talking with a teacher. I wanted to say hi but I didn't want to interrupt, so I passed behind the teacher and went into the teacher-room to leave the absences catalog and when I came out the teacher was gone and you daid hi. I responded and then went towards the stairs and I couldn't contain my happiness, I was smiling.
And you were three steps behind so I waited for you and we talked the only thing that came to mind in order to begin a conversation was to ask you whether S, your best friend, had come. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How do you make me get so stuck? And you laughed saying you're frineds but you don't manage your schedule and then you walked all the way with me to the classroom (it wasn't a long way, just three meters from the stairs, and next to your classroom) and asked me whether I was going to play Tichu (a game) with the others. "Nah, gotta deliver lunch to my cousin." You said ok and then you left. (And you didn't go to your classroom I noticed.)
And then afterwards when you passed in front of the door and I just kept smiling like an idiot.
And then at some point you were at our door, T (your best friend who seems to like Annie) was standing behind you and you were looking were Annie and I were sitting and I saw you. And I couldn't help smiling and waving. And you smiled and waved back. And T whispered something to you.
Those tiny moments gave me happy memories you know.
And here's something I wrote today during Physics:
I have
aching lips for you to kiss,
fingers that ache to trace your jawline.
At your sight I soar
And plunge head-first into darkness then.
I miss the moments we didn't live,
the memories we didn't make.
The poet speaks the truth:
I had for you the love you wanted.
You have a spring in your walk, and sigh whenever you see him, and you have lost look on your face, a smile playing on your lips.
I'm sorry I do not know whether it's going to get harder again later on.
I'm not sure what the reason was. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen you in so long. Two weeks. They went by in moments of happiness, sadness and loneliness. I missed you. So much. More than I had thought. And today when we talked I felt so happy, my heart nearly burst when I came down the stairs and saw you talking with a teacher. I wanted to say hi but I didn't want to interrupt, so I passed behind the teacher and went into the teacher-room to leave the absences catalog and when I came out the teacher was gone and you daid hi. I responded and then went towards the stairs and I couldn't contain my happiness, I was smiling.
And you were three steps behind so I waited for you and we talked the only thing that came to mind in order to begin a conversation was to ask you whether S, your best friend, had come. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How do you make me get so stuck? And you laughed saying you're frineds but you don't manage your schedule and then you walked all the way with me to the classroom (it wasn't a long way, just three meters from the stairs, and next to your classroom) and asked me whether I was going to play Tichu (a game) with the others. "Nah, gotta deliver lunch to my cousin." You said ok and then you left. (And you didn't go to your classroom I noticed.)
And then afterwards when you passed in front of the door and I just kept smiling like an idiot.
And then at some point you were at our door, T (your best friend who seems to like Annie) was standing behind you and you were looking were Annie and I were sitting and I saw you. And I couldn't help smiling and waving. And you smiled and waved back. And T whispered something to you.
Those tiny moments gave me happy memories you know.
And here's something I wrote today during Physics:
I have
aching lips for you to kiss,
fingers that ache to trace your jawline.
At your sight I soar
And plunge head-first into darkness then.
I miss the moments we didn't live,
the memories we didn't make.
The poet speaks the truth:
I had for you the love you wanted.
21.4.12
I wonder
I wonder
to which girl does your thought stray,
your eyes linger?
Whose smile do you wish to see
which glint of eye you notice.
Whose perfume do you wish to smell
whose body heat you crave.
What hands and lips you wish to kiss
whose skin you wish to caress.
There is no need as deep as this,
as pointless,
or as honest
as to be the one you long to kiss.
to which girl does your thought stray,
your eyes linger?
Whose smile do you wish to see
which glint of eye you notice.
Whose perfume do you wish to smell
whose body heat you crave.
What hands and lips you wish to kiss
whose skin you wish to caress.
There is no need as deep as this,
as pointless,
or as honest
as to be the one you long to kiss.
19.4.12
Diary Entry #4
I'm not sure what's the most difficult: the mornings, that hazy moment when you open your eyes, when you're brought to consiouness or the nights, the moment right before you lose consiouness, all sense of you. Each seems difficult in its own way. Both share the same feeling of loneliness.
Today's his birthday. I texted him when I woke up; he was my first thought. He repiled with a "Thanks!" and that was all there was to it. Well, it's not like I expected anything different. But I still felt both happy and sad. Happy that he replied, sad that that was the only reason I could text him about.
I'm in my blues again.
I also realised yesterday that L bears a resemblance to my father. They both have strong facial bone structure. The last one was noticed by Molly. I also know that there's a certain character resemblance.
So it's true. Girls do fall in love with guys that remind them of their fathers.
P.S. Thinking of posting some of my poems. Still not sure over that.
Today's his birthday. I texted him when I woke up; he was my first thought. He repiled with a "Thanks!" and that was all there was to it. Well, it's not like I expected anything different. But I still felt both happy and sad. Happy that he replied, sad that that was the only reason I could text him about.
I'm in my blues again.
I also realised yesterday that L bears a resemblance to my father. They both have strong facial bone structure. The last one was noticed by Molly. I also know that there's a certain character resemblance.
So it's true. Girls do fall in love with guys that remind them of their fathers.
P.S. Thinking of posting some of my poems. Still not sure over that.
16.4.12
Diary Entry #3
Ok Emilia, time to sit down and think a bit about what you've done today.
And that is pretty much... nothing. It's four o'clock in the morning and you have to write an essay on tourism, do a synopsis and study maths. For tomorrow morning at 11 a.m.
Gee, I wonder, which part won't work?The sleep part and we all know it.
I've been thinking a lot about L these past few days and at the same time I haven't. I'm ok at the moment. At the moment. I'm still lonely. I was talking with Annie today, one of his friends is flirting her, big time, and she's not really interested. We were talking about relationships in general. And all of a sudden she asks me "I don't get it, do you have to sleep with them the moment you get together?"
I had to restrain myself from heaving a sigh. I have not slept with a guy before, I've only ever kissed once, but I explained to her that with the right person it will right. I won't even think about it. It's not something you can schedule exactly. I told her about that time I had been crying and everyone had thought I had been moved. And L came and hugged me smiling and said "You were moved huh?" And I held him against him and buried my head on the crook between the neck and the shoulder. I didn't let go as fast as they do is casual embraces.
But what mattered the most to me was that he didn't let go. And he calmed the sadness inside me.
Also I afterwards learned that before that scene he had asked around about why I was not well.
I must have written about this here more than 2 times. It matters that much. But my point is, with him, I could have sex with him. Not because he wanted to and I just couldn't say no. But because I wanted to, I want this closeness, thin intimacy, I want everything he has to offer. Even that stupid pink jacket that doesn't suit him at all.
Alright, I think it's time to do that essay now.
And that is pretty much... nothing. It's four o'clock in the morning and you have to write an essay on tourism, do a synopsis and study maths. For tomorrow morning at 11 a.m.
Gee, I wonder, which part won't work?
I've been thinking a lot about L these past few days and at the same time I haven't. I'm ok at the moment. At the moment. I'm still lonely. I was talking with Annie today, one of his friends is flirting her, big time, and she's not really interested. We were talking about relationships in general. And all of a sudden she asks me "I don't get it, do you have to sleep with them the moment you get together?"
I had to restrain myself from heaving a sigh. I have not slept with a guy before, I've only ever kissed once, but I explained to her that with the right person it will right. I won't even think about it. It's not something you can schedule exactly. I told her about that time I had been crying and everyone had thought I had been moved. And L came and hugged me smiling and said "You were moved huh?" And I held him against him and buried my head on the crook between the neck and the shoulder. I didn't let go as fast as they do is casual embraces.
But what mattered the most to me was that he didn't let go. And he calmed the sadness inside me.
Also I afterwards learned that before that scene he had asked around about why I was not well.
I must have written about this here more than 2 times. It matters that much. But my point is, with him, I could have sex with him. Not because he wanted to and I just couldn't say no. But because I wanted to, I want this closeness, thin intimacy, I want everything he has to offer. Even that stupid pink jacket that doesn't suit him at all.
Alright, I think it's time to do that essay now.
13.4.12
Fragments #5
The other night I had fever. I was writhing between the sheets, drenched in sweat, caught in that state between sleep and being awake. Sometimes everything was starkly visible and I was awake and others I seemed to be lost in shadows. I remember the heat of my body, it felt like it consumed me. I remember me wishing he was there to beat the heat with the touch of a cool hand against my skin. Or if he was still sick, if he was still feverish, for his flesh and mine to simply touch and if the fire grew stronger let the bloody flames consume, I thought.
I also remember that no amount of wishing actually made him be there.
And I closed my eyes and turned on my left side and wispered at the wall everything I wanted to tell him. But the air carrying the words stayed locked, imprisoned in the sickroom and the wind couldn't take the words to him.
I was on the train with Ellie today. I took in a deep breath and said "Maybe I'll ask him out after the Exams."
"Yes!" she exclaimed, "Do that! I've been telling you to for some time now. I mean, I asked you know who out." Sometimes I wonder whether she can finally decide whether L likes me or not.
We were sitting in silence, the train rocking us rhythmically, the city going by. "You know," she said breaking the silence, "he does like you. I know that."
"Just not enough."
I got in a fight with mom the other day. Actually about two weeks ago. She managed to get me so mad that I left home in the dead of night, screaming at the top of my lungs and kicking trees. I've never felt so out of control. I've never lost control before. It scared me.
I didn't care then.
It's just that everything gets bottled up inside and when it comes out it hits anything in its way. I've never reacted so violently before, I never even react violently.
Some days afterwards mom pissed me off enough that I kicked a chair and it flew accross the room and a cabinet door which now has come partially off its hinges. Mom doesn't know.
Since then I've been ok. I am now controlling my emotions.
6.4.12
Diary Entry #2
Image from tumblr.
And it's true. If I can't be with you, I don't want to spend any more of my life waiting for someone who will never come, waiting for you.
I miss you and you were never there.
F and I barely talk. I think I'm going to lose him from a friend eitherway. It seems like no matter what I do I hurt someone somehow.
It's 3 in the morning and sleep has abandoned me.
3.4.12
Diary Entry #1
It started well. I overslept but told mom that we didn't have school til 9.05. Minor lie to ensure my peace of mind. I got up, chose what to wear, put on purple eye-liner - it had been so long since I last put eye-liner at school - then took breakfast. I was supposed to be up from 5a.m. in order to finish an essay I had to hand in at 3.30 p.m. Strangely enough I didn't even get stressed.
Went to school. Literature class. Then it was the 15' break. I saw L. As I had thought, the day before he hadn't come in order to avoid that history test. Then math class. Then I had another two classes but one of the teachers was absent. Fuck it, I thought, I have an essay to write.
"You leaving?" S asked me, L's best friend.
"Yeah," I said, "you coming?"
"Sure."
We're friends with S - sort of - though I think he might had had a thing for me few years back - that's why I said "almost" (well, that and he's L's best friend). We were midway to my place. He was taking me home, as usual since we live near, when a sudden thought hit me.
"What time is it?" I asked him.
"Not 11 yet, why?"
Ooh, fuck. "My mother's home." There was a silence. "Look, can I ask you a favour?"
"Sure."
"Hang out with me please? For another hour or so? I just don't want to go home."
"Had a fight with your mother?" he asked.
"Yeah, well, you could say that."
"Where to? I'm buying."
And so we left. The cafeteria was above a bookshop. Roaming through the shelves we judged some books, discussed others, exchanged suggestions on book titles. Then we entered the comic section and we exchanged views on certain artists' styles. Then there was the fantasy section. We both like "A game of thrones" (as L does - during that excursion trip we were talking, one night as we were going to the club. I was holding him to steady myself and we were talking and then he said "Well, recently S lent me a very good book to read, I'm not sure whether you'll have heard it-". "Game of thrones!" I exclaimed. "You know it?" He was surprised. "I've read it. It's very good." But all that is another story.)
And then I saw The left hand of God and was going to say that it's one of my favourite books, I was actually pointing at it and had opened my mouth to say it when S said, "Oh, that's one of L's favourite series."
Oh for fuck's sake. I get it, I hang out with your friend but this is ridiculous. You don't have to pop up everywhere. I even looked randomly at a street and it had the same name as your surname. Surely someone, somewhere, must be laughing at me. This can't be a coincidence.
And then we went to the cafe. I took chocolate and he took coffee.
As long as we sat there we kept on talking. S is a good guy. A genually good guy. A true gentleman even if he doesn't dress formal.
Sometimes I wonder why I never fell for him but instead fell for his best friend.
So this friend of S, K, and his mother had come to Greece from Instabul. S and I were going back when we met his mom and K and his mother. And they were going for souvlaki and they insisted I went with them. K was talk dark and handsome. A nice guy - as far as I could tell. We talked in English - he speaks well though his English were a bit rusty.
I was allowed to pay for my souvlaki either.
And then I rushed home and wrote the bloody essay, and finished right on time.
I had prep school then - five hours.
And now I'm home and I'm not studying. Today was a good day. I dare say it was a happy day - with the exception of the growing awkwardness between F and me. He is flirting and now I'm feeling uncomfortable. I feel like a whore who led him on. I do have the tendecy to get friendly with people I feel comfortanble. Perhaps too friendly. and this usually happens with people that I want to be friends with.
Only everytime this happens with a guy this guy falls for me.
No, they ahave not seen my ugly, insecure, scared side.
I just want to hope that I'm wrong. I don't want to lose F the way I losed N last year. I need him to remain a friend. I pray to God he's like that with all his female friends - kissing their cheeks and stuff (today I simply drew back and said I didn't want to - sorry, this is getting too much, I felt like crying because I know where all this is going).
But other than that all was well.
1.4.12
Fragments #4
I'm drunk, slightly, but enough to be a bit dizzy. I can still control myself. I listen to music in the dark. Good thing I can't text him. Amy Winehouse is playing.
F kissed me on the cheek the other day and I felt nothing. And there I was hoping I was falling in love with him. And now I realise that I'm only seeing him in as a friend. And I think I'm fucking with his head.
I'll deal with this when I have to deal with this. I don't want to lose him as a friend. He's understands me too well.
I've been writing some poems for L.
He'll never see them.
I dare say they're rather good.
I need to go to sleep. That's all I've been doing in the past few days. Sleep.
I need him and he's not there. To his credit, he doesn't know either.
F kissed me on the cheek the other day and I felt nothing. And there I was hoping I was falling in love with him. And now I realise that I'm only seeing him in as a friend. And I think I'm fucking with his head.
I'll deal with this when I have to deal with this. I don't want to lose him as a friend. He's understands me too well.
I've been writing some poems for L.
He'll never see them.
I dare say they're rather good.
I need to go to sleep. That's all I've been doing in the past few days. Sleep.
I need him and he's not there. To his credit, he doesn't know either.
28.3.12
Theory #18: Being in (unrequited) love doesn't get easier
You simply adapt to a reality where you're near the object of your emotions and so far away at the same moment.
Yesterday night I saw you. After you were done with prep school. The weather was slightly chilly and you wore no jacket just a tee. you hadn't come at school and my heart contrited in my chest.
"You'll catch a cold like that," I told you.
"I'm going for a run," you said.
"At this time?"
"It's the only time I can spare."
I'll be honest. I was worried whether you would make it home safe. Silly I know but it was already near 11p.m.
And then the image of you from when I had seen you last summer when you had gone with S for running came to mind. You were wearing a black shirtless shirt and your strong arms were covered in sweat.
This is not getting any easier.
I was at the hospital in the morning, just a check-up, nothing serious. It has nothing to do with sickness. Just something I had to do every six months for the past years. Today was the last time. No need to worry.
Afterwards I had an option: go to school for the last two classes of the day or stay home. With mum. And because I had a headache I preferred to leave home. Only as I was on my way to school I passed outside of the public library. And suddenly my copy of "The Midnight Palace" by C.R.Z. seemed to burn in my backpack. The library, I thought, what better place than that to find peace? And so I turned and went in. Straight to the third floor. I found a sit so that I could look out the window, same seat I've been using lately whenever I skip school. I've even made a sketch of it.
So I placed my things on my corner and took out my book and started reading. And then I finished it. I checked the watch and saw that the your last class would end in 15 minutes. I had already chosen a few books to flip through, what harm could it do to stay a bit more?
I wondered whether you would come after school. I knew that sometimes you did.
My back was at the door and I was lost in an account of how the Sumerians dressed (I had chosen a small tome on the history of costume). I heard the door open and close a few times but it hadn't been you - as far as I could hear - so I my nerves calmed down and I relaxed. And then I realised that someone is standing about a meter and a half from where I was sitting on my right and I looked up and sure enough there you were. And it was like someone had kicked my heart and the clouds had parted and the sun shined all at once.(I've writen you before that it is not normal for me to feel so much for you).
And you were just... you were just sitting there. You had been watching me for a few seconds, your head tilted slightly, a small smile on your lips. (Did you guess I was there for you? shit.) And then T - your best friend - popped out of nowhere and said "Emilia reading a book? No waaaay." (Yeah, ok, we all know I'm a bookworm). And I stuck my tongue at the two of you. And we just said hi and then you just turned and left and sat in the table next to mine - only as I was leaving did I notice that I could see you and you could see me from where you sat. I thought I had seen you looking once but then again it could have been just me.
I know I make it sound like it lasted aeons but it was only a moment.
So I went back to my volume and for an hour we read (you studied I think) in silence. And then I had to leave (well I didn't but after 60 minutes in the same room with you I was tempted to start intruding in your silence). So I got up, placed back all the books and told you guys "See you tomorrow." And I know I smiled but inwardly I heaved a sigh.
I wanted to kiss you so. badly.Yesterday night I saw you. After you were done with prep school. The weather was slightly chilly and you wore no jacket just a tee. you hadn't come at school and my heart contrited in my chest.
"You'll catch a cold like that," I told you.
"I'm going for a run," you said.
"At this time?"
"It's the only time I can spare."
I'll be honest. I was worried whether you would make it home safe. Silly I know but it was already near 11p.m.
And then the image of you from when I had seen you last summer when you had gone with S for running came to mind. You were wearing a black shirtless shirt and your strong arms were covered in sweat.
This is not getting any easier.
26.3.12
Fragments #3
We were going back from school, Annie, E and his best friend (one of the two). We had finished school early. And I was telling L's best friend "Send a text to T, we should tease him." (T is his other best friend.) And S laughed and took out his cell.
"I'll text L because whenever he gets off early he rubs in the fact I'm still at school. i'll send him something along the lines of 'Guess where I am, over at your girl's place'." And we all fell silent 'cause last November (in 2010) I told you I liked you and we all knew that. I think S realised a tad bit too late what he said because in truth he was taking me home (we usually do that since we live near) and obviously I'm not your girl.
You have a girl?
I think you don't.
This girl was wearing your jacket today and while I was speaking with Annie she came next to me and blew me a kiss. We were in the same theatrical play and she's a nice and friendly person. I nearly turned green when I saw her wearing your jacket.
"You will only get over your feelings for him once you come to terms with them and all the anger they 'cause you," Marcie said yesterday. The milk she served me tasted good especially along with the cinnamon cookied her mother baked.
We haven't talked since since Wensday. I miss him even though I see him.
24.3.12
Fragments #2
Past midnight, last night, Ellie and I sitting on a bench in the square with a shared beer can. We sometimes do that. "You know," she said, "I'm your friend and that's why I tell you this but, he's just not into you. If he really were, he'd make an actual move. Now, he's just flirting."
"I know," I said and drank some beer. "And if I had any form of self-preservation - emotional that is - I'd get it in my head and I'd get him out off my heart."
The night was still around us.
I was supposed to write an essay last night. I have to go and hand it in today at some point. Instead I got up at noon and put the music and did some little chores around the house.
I still log on Fb hoping he will be online. Not that we'd chat but it's nice to know he's there and not somewhere else having fun with his friends. Or some girl.
Who's the lonely soul now?
"I know," I said and drank some beer. "And if I had any form of self-preservation - emotional that is - I'd get it in my head and I'd get him out off my heart."
The night was still around us.
I was supposed to write an essay last night. I have to go and hand it in today at some point. Instead I got up at noon and put the music and did some little chores around the house.
I still log on Fb hoping he will be online. Not that we'd chat but it's nice to know he's there and not somewhere else having fun with his friends. Or some girl.
Who's the lonely soul now?
18.3.12
Theory #17: You can't be friends with someone you've fallen in love with
Because everytime you talk or he randomly touches you, you'll never take it as a friendly sign.
Yesterday feels a bit like a dream. The play was up. Being backstage, fussing over everyone, making sure they were dressed and make-uped in time. Hearing the clapping of the audience through the curtain that hid the backstage from them. Everything that could possibly go wrong going - things falling or breaking, small crises. And when I touched my head in tiredness you patting my head as you passed by. It was such a warm gesture. As if you were trying to tell me that everything was ok, we had everything under control.
And you calmed me down at that moment, you gave me strenght.
When that girl was trying to help you dress and somebody called her and she asked me to help you dress. It was almost ironic how perfectly we synchronised. I buttoned up your shirt and was the trying to put those suspenders in place while you were tugging your pants upwards in order to button them up. Or when you asked me a moment later whether I had put on you the suspenders. And I said yes and at that moment, that moment, one of them snapped and I sort of grabbed you and turned you around, catching the suspender and placing it back in place, cussing under my breath. And you found it so funny, my cussing. And then you went up the stairs and I was going to go down the stairs when you called me again and asked for a hat. I just grabbed a hat and threw it at you and you immediatelly caught it. You always catch what I throw at you, like that water I offered you.
And I also remember when you came down from the stage to take Mrs. L up and E and then you tugged me along, your hand on my waist. And when I nearly lost my balance going up the stage stairs you hand was there again, balancing me and pushing me slightly forward.
I still can't believe you changed in front of me.
Damn I wanted to kiss you.
I'm sorry but I can't be friends. If that's all we'll ever be than I'd rather not see you again. You give me too many emotions to be just a friend. 6.3.12
Tuesday, 6th of March 2012
Dear L,
I'm tired of your face, of your stupid fucking voice, I'm tired of looking at you, of you touching me (for small insignificant things like to tell me that you're leaving - not that we ever touch for any other reason), I'm tired of joking with you, of creating memories with you that only ever matter to me. I'm tired of my emotions for you, of your lack of emotions towards me, I'm tired of being friends or whatever the fuck it is that we are now. (I think we're friends sort of?)
I'm tired of you.
No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that's a lie.
I'm tired of me.
Emilia
I'm tired of your face, of your stupid fucking voice, I'm tired of looking at you, of you touching me (for small insignificant things like to tell me that you're leaving - not that we ever touch for any other reason), I'm tired of joking with you, of creating memories with you that only ever matter to me. I'm tired of my emotions for you, of your lack of emotions towards me, I'm tired of being friends or whatever the fuck it is that we are now. (I think we're friends sort of?)
I'm tired of you.
No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that's a lie.
I'm tired of me.
Emilia
29.2.12
Wensday, 29th of February 2012
Dear F,
I'm so sorry. I think I'm fucking with your mind. I think I'm fucking with my mind. In all honesty I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing. To you or to me. I wonder if you know.
I do not want to say it. I know that I like you, that much is undeniable, but the fact remains that in the late hours of night and the early ones of the morning it's him I think about. Sometimes though you shyly take his place. But very rarely, usually when I wonder what I feel for you.
I can't deny the shared smiles, the knowing glances when we share a private joke or a certain intimacy. And the thought of those moments makes my heart constricts. I'm complicating things I know I am. I'm so sorry.
Please don't like me. I'll hurt you. It's one thing to fuck my emotions up and another entirely to do that to you. Stop coming so close you might get to know me much better that I can stand. More than you can stand.
Isn't itsafer better to remain friends.
Sorry,
Emilia
I'm so sorry. I think I'm fucking with your mind. I think I'm fucking with my mind. In all honesty I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing. To you or to me. I wonder if you know.
I do not want to say it. I know that I like you, that much is undeniable, but the fact remains that in the late hours of night and the early ones of the morning it's him I think about. Sometimes though you shyly take his place. But very rarely, usually when I wonder what I feel for you.
I can't deny the shared smiles, the knowing glances when we share a private joke or a certain intimacy. And the thought of those moments makes my heart constricts. I'm complicating things I know I am. I'm so sorry.
Please don't like me. I'll hurt you. It's one thing to fuck my emotions up and another entirely to do that to you. Stop coming so close you might get to know me much better that I can stand. More than you can stand.
Isn't it
Sorry,
Emilia
27.2.12
Fragments #1
There it was again: that conversation.
"My problem is," J said, "she doesn't want to get over him." I rolled my eyes and sipped my beer. But I did. I did want to get over him.
"You don't understand," Ellie stepped in defending me, "not everyone works the way you do."
"Oh, come on Ellie, it's her choice. She chooses this situation, that's what annoying me."
I kept on drinking, pretending I didn't hear, wondering whether any other of the clients in the bar had heard. At some point I had had enough. "J stop. I'm in love with this guy, ok? Doesn't matter whether he deserves it or not, that's the truth."
"Bullshit Emilia, that's bullshit. You're not in love with that guy."
How would you know? I wanted to ask but I bit my tongue. You've never been in love. All you've ever done is toy with those people's emotions. And one day you'll fall in love and then you'll understand.
"Shut up J! For fuck's sake you don't know what's going on in people's head alright?" Ellie defended me.
I sipped my beer. "J leave me alone. What you say is true, to some point. And I could, if I wanted to, to get with another guy, even just for fun, but I just don't operate like that. At some point, my point, I'll get over him and that's the end of that."
At that moment, all I wanted to do is smoke. It's a bit ridiculous, I don't even smoke. I've tried it and didn't like it. But sometimes my fingers tremble with the need to hold a cigarette. I don't like the stale taste it leaves to my mouth. But I still kind of miss the burning in my lungs and throat.
At least then something else burns rather than my heart.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately. The other day he was going over my skeches when he came accross of that one, the drawing of a shirtless guy. I had done it very well actually. It even looked like the person I used as a model. He paused for a moment. I didn't see his expression.
Did you feel any jealousy, I wonder? I hope you did.
"My problem is," J said, "she doesn't want to get over him." I rolled my eyes and sipped my beer. But I did. I did want to get over him.
"You don't understand," Ellie stepped in defending me, "not everyone works the way you do."
"Oh, come on Ellie, it's her choice. She chooses this situation, that's what annoying me."
I kept on drinking, pretending I didn't hear, wondering whether any other of the clients in the bar had heard. At some point I had had enough. "J stop. I'm in love with this guy, ok? Doesn't matter whether he deserves it or not, that's the truth."
"Bullshit Emilia, that's bullshit. You're not in love with that guy."
How would you know? I wanted to ask but I bit my tongue. You've never been in love. All you've ever done is toy with those people's emotions. And one day you'll fall in love and then you'll understand.
"Shut up J! For fuck's sake you don't know what's going on in people's head alright?" Ellie defended me.
I sipped my beer. "J leave me alone. What you say is true, to some point. And I could, if I wanted to, to get with another guy, even just for fun, but I just don't operate like that. At some point, my point, I'll get over him and that's the end of that."
At that moment, all I wanted to do is smoke. It's a bit ridiculous, I don't even smoke. I've tried it and didn't like it. But sometimes my fingers tremble with the need to hold a cigarette. I don't like the stale taste it leaves to my mouth. But I still kind of miss the burning in my lungs and throat.
At least then something else burns rather than my heart.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately. The other day he was going over my skeches when he came accross of that one, the drawing of a shirtless guy. I had done it very well actually. It even looked like the person I used as a model. He paused for a moment. I didn't see his expression.
Did you feel any jealousy, I wonder? I hope you did.
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