Just saying

Since you claim
I'm so important
to you,

you should know
I'm a constant source of disappointment.
Deal with it
or get out.

Dream

In my dream
there was this boy
I was supposed to save.

He was going to be beaten.

I abandoned my cans of white spray paint
and ran after him in the university's corridors
stopping people and asking.

He was always ahead of me
and I was always just a step behind.

I woke up before I reached him.

Somehow,
it felt important.

Secrets

I'm carrying those of others
as well as my own.
It is so painful
to see what you know
and cannot share.
Their secrets
are now mine as well
and I sometimes think I'll break
under the joined weight.

Submerged

I feel as if
I have submerged
myself in cold water.

Everything is unreal
and distant.

Everything

is

cold.



(I'm sorry
for disappointing you.
If it makes any difference
I mostly disappoint myself).

Not forgetting, moving on

I may not be getting over you
or stop missing you
but I'm trying to look for others,
preferably different than you.
I don't want you
to be

a type.

I want you to be individual
like you deserve to be
but I'm still numbing the feelings,
not pushing them back
but recognising them
accepting them
and then forgetting them.

I'm not forgetting you
I couldn't
even if I tried.

I'm just trying to erase you
from the present
leave you in the past
where I am as well
for you.

I'm not forgetting
but I stop myself from seeing you everywhere
I remind myself that Rome and Italy
will always be there
and there will always be this boy
that I will want to try to heal
but I cannot tie them to you
-even if they are somehow -
because in that way I'm diminishing them.

And there will be others
who will kiss me goodnight
goodbye
who will make my heart skip a beat
break
who will make me happy
cry
and that's ok
sad.

I'm not forgetting
I'm just trying to remember
that life moves on.
So do we
so did you
so will I.

*

These days my desires can be summed up to
drink
sleep
and leave.

There's nothing wrong
but there's nothing right either.

Just

tiredness.

The most unbearing thing of all: silence. The emptiness of sound.

It annoys me
that I should still care.
Why do I hold on
to an attachement I formed on my own?

Don't forget me,
I said.
How could I?
was the reply.

And then
      
            silence.

Feel

I feel too much
or not at all.

Both are

agonising.

Partings*

There's a bit of sadness
and warmth
in hearing someone you met a week ago
and will never see again
tell you
"I wish I had gotten to know you more."

Every once in a while

If you don't mind
I'm just gonna stubbornly
keep in touch with you.

Just to make sure
you're "alright"
every once in a while.

(Do me a favour
and get some sleep).

Shame

People somehow expect me
to save them
from their loneliness.

Shame,
'cause I can barely save myself.