Parents

"You're always looking
for ways
to leave."

"It's as if
you don't even
live here
anymore."

Coming from my parents' mouth,
in my parents' voice,
it sounded
like the bitterest of accusations.


It's true though
I just never feel
that I belong.
I constantly need
to be
elsewhere.

*

I guess
the worst part
is just how ridiculous I feel
how insecure,
how much I want you to care.

I wonder
do you even notice
when we do not talk?

I wonder,
do you ever even miss me at all?

I hate myself
for all this emotional weakness.
I feel like
fucking anyone I might fuck
until my body's numb,
my heart alseep
and the brain
cares no longer.

*

And here I am
in my black
sexy underwear,
wishing there was
someone
here
to appreciate them

then

realising
that what I wanted was you
to take them off
and join my skin
to yours.


(P.S. I answer your comments under the posts in the comment section - there is a button thay says reply. Do you get any notification of sorts?)

Rambling #2

I fucked myself
ah much
as hard
and as tenderly
as I could

and wished instead

it was you.

Post
probably to be deleted.
Or not.

Ramblings #1

And I had
to bite my lip
to keep from
screaming your name.

I was afraid
I might hear
my scream

and realise

just what it meant.

Your
dear
dear ghost.

By the way

I want you.
That's
the damnest thing
of all.

'Cause I now know
the feel of your skin
against my own.

And I want it.
So much,
I can feel
the hunger in my belly,
and lower
between my legs.

Fuck this wine.

It makes me
more honest
than I'm
comfortable
to admit.

But worst of all
is the hunger
of the heart,
that you
temporatily
satisfied.

A note from the tipsy ones

Finally
after three
and a half
glasses of wine,
I feel
the welcome
slight dizzyness
of alcohol.

And I long
for your touch,
your breath
against my skin,
my voice
softly saying
"don't worry
I got you"
as if,
that were enough
to make up
for the whole world.

And I miss
your legs entwined with mine,
your arms clutching me
tightly
to your chest,
your laugh,
innocent
as a child's,
your touch,
making my body
shiver with electricity.

I dream of you,
miles away,
and need
the feel of you
against me.

I'm so afraid
that to you
I'm merely
amusing.

Heavy

These days
my legs hurt
and my soul
is soaring.

I feel
I'm acting
at time.
I feel
that
maybe
I forgot how to dance.

But

I'm more
terrified
that
I've forgotten
how to live.

Days are empty
and nights
more lonely still.
I try
to find myself
now that I still can.

I feel like
I'm on recovery.

My plans
for the future year
are
to be as busy
as possible.
Busy enough
that
I will keep going
until exhaustion
drives my mind
my limbs
my lips
into heavy sleep
and I'm no more,
I think no more
and insomnia
stays with me
no longer.

You.

  (Sometimes I feel ridiculous when writing here. That people will judge me as weak and a crybaby. That I keep talking about guys.
  But then I realise that this is merely because that's the side of me that I want to express in this blog.
  So I don't care really.)

You.
You came unexpectedly.
It's less than a month since I met you,
and we spent together less than two weeks.

And in that time
you gave me

everything.

I've never felt so loved
or happy
or content
as when you looked at me.

And you didn't even fuck me.

You kissed me properly once.
In the end.
I think
you waited
on purpose.

Because you knew.

And sometimes I wonder
whether you think of me.
Then I remember
your girl back home,
how you said
you think you're in love
for the first time.
And I know
your thought rarely flies at me
and I smile at that.

She may hold your heart
but for a time
you gave me
everything.
And I never thought
I'd get as much
from anyone.

I've never connected
so fast
and so deep.

I miss you
I crave you,
your words
your eyes,
your beautiful,
beautiful sad mind,
the light kisses you planted on my cheek,
surprisngly fast,
as if
you couldn't help yourself.
Your honesty
raw and naked and bared
ensnared me.

I enjoy our conversations
perhaps more than I should.
You helped me recover
myself
from the darkness
I had let my self fall in.

You're the first one
I'd like to have in my life
in whatever way
you can be in it.
I told you,
I'll take anything
you want to give me.

You're the first person
I don't want to talk about much
because I'm scared
of people
spoiling my memory of you.

Your dear ghost.

 

 

Loss

Today I feel such
a profound loss,
that all I can do

is cope.