Wensday, 29th of February 2012

Dear F,

   I'm so sorry. I think I'm fucking with your mind. I think I'm fucking with my mind. In all honesty I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing. To you or to me. I wonder if you know.
  I do not want to say it. I know that I like you, that much is undeniable, but the fact remains that in the late hours of night and the early ones of the morning it's him I think about. Sometimes though you shyly take his place. But very rarely, usually when I wonder what I feel for you.
  I can't deny the shared smiles, the knowing glances when we share a private joke or a certain intimacy. And the thought of those moments makes my heart constricts. I'm complicating things I know I am. I'm so sorry.
  Please don't like me. I'll hurt you. It's one thing to fuck my emotions up and another entirely to do that to you. Stop coming so close you might get to know me much better that I can stand. More than you can stand.
  Isn't it safer better to remain friends.

  Sorry,
   Emilia

Fragments #1

There it was again: that conversation.
"My problem is," J said, "she doesn't want to get over him." I rolled my eyes and sipped my beer. But I did. I did want to get over him.
  "You don't understand," Ellie stepped in defending me, "not everyone works the way you do."
  "Oh, come on Ellie, it's her choice. She chooses this situation, that's what annoying me."
  I kept on drinking, pretending I didn't hear, wondering whether any other of the clients in the bar had heard. At some point I had had enough. "J stop. I'm in love with this guy, ok? Doesn't matter whether he deserves it or not, that's the truth."
  "Bullshit Emilia, that's bullshit. You're not in love with that guy."
  How would you know? I wanted to ask but I bit my tongue. You've never been in love. All you've ever done is toy with those people's emotions. And one day you'll fall in love and then you'll understand.
  "Shut up J! For fuck's sake you don't know what's going on in people's head alright?" Ellie defended me.
  I sipped my beer. "J leave me alone. What you say is true, to some point. And I could, if I wanted to, to get with another guy, even just for fun, but I just don't operate like that. At some point, my point, I'll get over him and that's the end of that."
 

  At that moment, all I wanted to do is smoke. It's a bit ridiculous, I don't even smoke. I've tried it and didn't like it. But sometimes my fingers tremble with the need to hold a cigarette. I don't like the stale taste it leaves to my mouth. But I still kind of miss the burning in my lungs and throat.
  At least then something else burns rather than my heart.

  My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately. The other day he was going over my skeches when he came accross of that one, the drawing of a shirtless guy. I had done it very well actually. It even looked like the person I used as a model. He paused for a moment. I didn't see his expression.
  Did you feel any jealousy, I wonder? I hope you did.

I just don't feel up to dealing with you at the moment

  Or the world in general.

  I'm in one of my 'moods'. You know, when everything's fine one moment and then something small and insignificant happens and you feel like shit and nothing can make you feel better. This pressure in my chest it will go away, if I smile long enough and pretend long enough it will go away.

  And time heals, is that not what they say?

  I just need someone right now.

  No, not someone.
  You.

Monday, 20th of February 2012

Dear X,
 
  Lord, will this never stop? This blog is about you in the end. But I suppose it cannot be helped, and I might as well write things down now that I think them. For all my wish for oblivion, I fear it.
  So today I read some extracts of my other letters to you to a friend, let's call her Annie. Annie was actually quite rather surprised. She said she didn't have me for a romantic, at least not one so intense. After I read her those parts she fell silent, as if she were not sure what was quite the right thing to say.
  But then again, I'm not sure what is the right thing to say. So instead I write meaningless little post on an anonymous blog on the internet.
  God I wish you were here. That little smile of yours today made me so happy. And afterwards so infinetelly sad. Why is it that everything with you is in the extreme? I wish I could just be.
 
  And loneliness ate away her heart.

  I still remember sleeping in your bed during that trip. You were not in the room. You slept somewhere else. And the next day, you took me as I was, pajamas and all for breakfast. Said it was ok I didn't wear regular clothes.
  And afterwards, after you learnt something that had happened, I remember your anger. Not at me, I had nothing to do with it. By I felt it nevertheless, I could simply read you at that moment. For two people so distant, we understand each other very much. You read me too sometimes, better than anyone else does.
  Actually, that's not really helping.
  Some lingering glances of yours are not helping either. I don't understand you. Please take all the memories of you and go away. I don't know how to deal with you when I see you everyday.

Goodnight

P.S. Your arms were so strong around me that day I was crying for my friend's father. You calmed me. I can't believe we will never be more than friends.

You make me go empty.

 Dear X,

  When I see you, it is as if you're tugging every emotion in me, wrenching it slowly from my heart. I feel as if I could suffocate in you, get lost in you. I feel like you're overwhelming me again, bluring what is right and wrong, bluring what I want, what I should want. It is as if you're there solely to hurt me.
  I want to
joke with you in the school hallways
hold your hand
kiss you
rip that stupid pink jacket you have that doesn't you in the least
have your fingertips caress my face
feel you under the blankets
to drink hot chocolate with you one lazy Sunday morning
look at you and not hurt
have an "us", even for a while
exchange stupid cheezy songs with you
get drunk with you in the beach, at summer, under the stars
hold you under an umbrella
have you text me for stupid random little things that you just had share with me
hug you again like that day when I was crying and though you asked me whether I had been moved you had said to someone else before that I you were sure I hadn't, that I weren't ok
solve math with you
discuss books with you
cuddle under the blankets and watch Game of Thrones with you
you
you
you
you

get over you
forget you
never see you again 
let go

let go

let go


  Sometimes I wish I had an accident that would erase some part of my memory. Your part.
  I cannot wait for the end of the school year. At last, there will be an end.

Theory # 16: You will change opinion of things you thoguht you were sure of.

A lot.

   I do not know what to think anymore. God, I feel as if you're overwhelming me too much again. And I have never been sure of what you feel. I should just get up and leave. And yet, everytime I say I will, something happens and in the end I do not.

  Or that it was possible. Or that you didn't at all.
  This is not good.