Theory #14: We do stupid things even though we know they're stupid.

Sometimes mistakes are made. Some by accident, other on purpose, and others belong in a special category: that of mistakes that we made, while knowing they were mistakes but hoping that they would not turn out to be so.

  In truth, it is completely and utterly my fault. I should not have invited him over for that cup of hot chocolate. Even if I want to pretend that we're still friends, that's not the way things work, it's only how I wish they did. But other than that we keep up the charade. 
  In front of others it appears. 
  Annie had told me that it was ok, that his feelings for me were probably not so strong. That I had been an infatuation. And though it hurt a bit - because who doesn't want to be loved, even by someone they don't love back that way - I had agreed wholeheartedly and readily. I had even believed it.
  More fool I. 
  There was awkwardness, even though we laughed a lot. He played with my dog, though my dog's motives were not as noble as his were.
  And when he left I said jockingly "Jack, why are you leaving me? That's what my dog would say if he could speak." And he looked at me and I felt my throat tighten and added "You're supposed to be looking at my dog."
  "I'm not looking at the dog," he shot back then waved goodbye and left.
  Sometimes I feel like such a horrible selfish whore. I did not want to lead him on. Why the fuck do I always, always mess things up? 
  I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't be anything more than friends with you.
  I'm not sure whether we truly are friends anymore...

 
  I promise I won't repeat this mistake again. I cannot bear to use you at all.

Theory #13: It goes kind of like this: we mess up, big time. Or they mess us up big time. And then we start again.

 (A letter to L)
 Dear L,

  Wow. December. I look at my calendar in sheer confusion. When did time pass so quickly? When did everything happen? When did nothing happen?
  In the mornings I hate to get up. In the weekends I can get away with it but not during the rest of the week. There's school. And there's you. You tire me. You mess me up, maybe not on purpose but you do.
 

  I was thinking about you the other day and realised that while you helped me find a part of myself that I didn't know before, you have now become a habit. And I'm not sure I like that part of me, I'm not sure I like who I am anynore. I've let many others down, but most of all I've let myself down and I don't want to need you anymore. Not when you're clearly not there.
  I'm just wondering, in your head, what are we?

  Because I'm tired of games dammit. So this is it. The end. It hurts a bit, and I really want to skip the part where I try to let go of everything - everything that still exists anyway -  but this is life and I'll be stronger for all of it. One day some else will come and I'll see you as what you have been to me for some time now: ashes of something that could have been.

    I think the moment deserves a cup of hot chocolate. Goodbye.

P.S. I ought to call Annie. It's been a year since that day.

Theory #12: You know that you're the right girl but are you sure that he's the right man?

  You were there at the club yesterday, looking fine in your black and white outfit and confident among strangers and others who weren't strangers. You came over to me and my friends, directed your hi to me, I didn't hear it. The music was so loud.
 
  We're all lookign for the one. The one who makes our hearts race, the one who keeps us awake all night, the one with whom we can talk. The problem is, during our lives there will be many "one"s. Which one is the right one?

  Lately your best friend - though you don't hang out much anymore- has been sending some obviously-intended puns my way. We were talking about sports and I said I liked basket - and after some comment of his I specified that I like tall men. He smirked and said, "Yeah, tall and dark-haired." He paused. "With long hair." It was obvious he added the last one just to "lighten the mood". And now he's constantly teasing me. Not about you. In general.
  And yesterday you took that girl - who's nice even if people call her a slut (I don't see what's wrong with expressing one's sexuality) - and you danced. Right in front of me. You were talking at first, and then your hand was on her waist and I felt my drink burning inside me. You make me burn. 
  I was shocked because for a year now - has it really been more than a year since I confessed to you?- you've always been careful and tactful. Except that time in Spain. You danced with somebody again. And you tried dancing with me even though you knew I was mad at you. And you fell silent afterwards when that female best friend of yours mentioned that cute Spanish guy who dnaced with me and wanted to kiss me. I was so shocked and mad and, frankly, hurt.
  And when you started dancing, about a meter from me, I could almost feel you noticing my expression. So I just smiled at the girls and sipped my Southern Comfort and and moved to that atrocious beat - the clubs at Barcelona were so much better.
  But Annie was watching and she told me you were looking alright. Even she, who is so sceptical of everything, is sure that you did it to get a reaction out of me.
  Why did you do that? For your ego? Because you care?
  The drink was not good and I felt dizzy and the lights and the beat, I just swayed to the beat.
  And then I left.
  I was told by Marcie that this is not over. That you know - she claims - that I'm too good for you or something. That I'm driving you crazy. That as time will pass you will become desperate. That you'll make a move towards the end of the school year - tops - because after that I may never see you again.
  Do I want to see you again? Sometimes you bring me so much pain.
  What scares me and excites me more at the same time is that Marcie never makes mistakes about those stuff. I could see it in your eyes yesterday, you're fighting inside you. But I fell as if either way I'll be the loser.
  I'm not going to let my guard down around you.

This picture could be a theory all by itself.

Today's theory-title was inspired by this song.

Theory #11: Chances. You miss one and you regret it much longer than it took you to lose it.

Chances come and go in life. They come in flashes and disappear just as fast. We might catch them or we may lose them forever. Some we regret ad other we forget. But what if missing small chances in the end equals to missing a big one? 

  The party. I knew you wanted me to stay longer. Maybe it's just me but I kind of felt it. Laugh if you may. But that's what I felt.
  Today you looked sad. Later I saw you were online on Facebook. I wanted to ask you if everything was alright but I hesitated too much and now I've missed my chance.
  Am I a fool? I must be. See, I've wasted so many chances with you. There might even be nothing between us now. I just can't help myself. 

 

The truth is, I've fallen for you.
  Hard.

Theory #10: More often than not, we let people down.

  It is done unconciously, but not necessarily so. You know there will be conciquences, you know they will be disappointed, you know you'll lose something in the end. Someone. And you know you can prevent it but at that moment you don't care to do so.
  What happens next?
  How do you face it all?
  Well, I guess the show must go on.

 
    But I care, and I am disappointed and I want you to be there. But I'm let down, and I am so concentrated on protecting myself that I let everyone else down.
  And I'm sick of always being that person who has potential but is no good.

  My aunt once told me, when I spoke to her, "Emilia, of all the people I know, you're better than them. You're the best of them all."
  Those words stung in more ways than she can know.

I think that was the sound of my heart breaking

I really do.
It doesn't hurt as bad as I think it does, right? It's all in my head, yeah that's what it all is. It doesn't hurt as bad, it doesn't hurt as bad. Maybe if I say it enough times I will believe it.Maybe if I wish it away I'll will it away. Maybe I'll get you out from under my skin.
No theories today.

"You make me wanna sing about love even though you don't want to know"

Theory #9: People need not words or fists to hurt you

Sometimes silence is enough.

  I hate this. I hate this so much. School has started and I'm generally happy. One of my friends thinks that's because I see you.

But I see you and we rarely talk and when we do it's more like a hi or something. But I've caught you looking and maybe I'm paranoid  and I just want you to speak to me. 

Noise, noise, noise, anything but this excrusiating silence. 

Please, if this is all isnot in my head do something. And if it is I just want it to stop. This is driving me crazy. I'm up and down all the time and that's not your fault, it's probably mine but you mess my head up whether you want to or not.  

Maybe I'm just being stupid and a coward you know?

Theory #8: We have the tendecy to choose the people we know things won't work out with

We have the tendecy to be interested into people that are for one reason or another unavailable. Or perhaps available but still people with whom things wouldn't work out. And we think "Well, what are the chances?" And in some ways we enter the game as losers.
  Is that because of the human longing for what one cannot have?
  Or is it a defensive action? Perhaps we fall for the wrong people but we go for them ready to get hurt, with our walls high and inpenetrable. We have a reason, an excuse to be cowards and not really fight. What are the chances? And therefore not really really get hurt.
  
  If I sit down and think about, and I have done that so I would know, the people I have fallen for over the time are the people I know nothing is going to happen with them. Like that guy. Mean as it may sound I knew from the headstart that there was no way we ended up together. 
  Because guys like him don't fall for girls like me.

What are the chances?

  Or the brother of that girl that I'm sort of getting to be friends with. The younger brother. Like 3 years younger. I'm nearly an adult by the way. And I really want the Brother to be interested in me. Even though I know that like hell he will. Even if he were...

  But maybe if that is so, then maybe we're the biggest losers of them all.

  None of them really suited me. Well, with the exception of Brother. But, well. Too many complications.

  It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

  Have we been too preoccupied to play defensive to ever play offensive?
  

Theory #7: Loving someone shouldn't hurt so much.

Loving someone might be difficult. Obstacles are bound to be in the way. That's how life is. But loving someone liking someone - love is such a big word I dare not use it - should not hurt. It should not make you weary. If someone's too difficult to love. Maybe he's not the one fot you to love.
  Not in that way.

  I was talking a friend about an hour ago. A good friend. Our situations are similar. 
  It has been difficult for both of us to get over what happened in the past months. To someone else, what happened may seem insignificant but it took a huge impact on us.It changed us. It brought us down.
  She told me that she has kind of gotten over her guy. She still likes him but she is not in love with him anymore. She said what made her start to get up on her feet is something I told her the last time we talked. That in order to move on you have to try to do so. 
  I told her from experience.
  I said that I simply couldn't take it any longer. That I feel tired and that loving liking someone shouldn't bring me down so much. It shouldn't hurt so much.
  Maybe I'm a romantic but... I believe that love is supposed to make your heart soar. It should inspire you not wear you down to the bone.
  I'm tired of being tired.
  This wasn't meant to be and I can see that. I knew it from moment one but I risked it anyway.
  I don't regret it one bit.
  But it's time for it to stop.
  My friend said that on the first day of school you'll talk to me and that I'll get pissed. Brcause one day you talk to me and the next you don't. The way she said it made me snicker. She never encourages me where you are concerned, because she's afraid that I might get my hopes up for nothing and will get hurt.
  There's nothing to get my hopes up for. At least not for you. For us.
  And I realised that it was over a long time ago. On my part at least. I just didn't want to realise it because then what was I supposed to do? I only recently had the courage to look myself in the eye and speak the truth.
  And here's something that I've found to be true and more to the point than everything:

"The moment you stop to think about whether you love someone, you've already stopped loving that person forever." 
— Carlos Ruiz Zafón (The Shadow of the Wind)

Theory #6: Just because you are among people, doesn't mean you're not alone.

"Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone." 
— Charles Bukowski

  You can smile as much as you like, be among friends and laugh. But in the back of your mind it all feels temporary. Unreal. It's not their fault but suddenly things stop feeling right. 
  Instead they feel incomplete.

  In all honesty I don't know why I am like this. Up until a few days ago, when I returned from my vacation, things were fine. I was fine. And now I'm not. I feel so lonely. So damn lonely. There are a few people that I care to talk to but I haven't been able to get hold of them.
  The sound of the phone as they don't answer seems to emphasise my mood.  

"I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don't know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. In reality those who satisfy me are those who simply allow me to live with my ''idea of them." 
— Anaïs Nin

Theory #5: Be as strong as you like, the loneliness will still be there before you fall asleep.

 You know you deserve better. You know it. But again you cannot help your self. You may distract yourself all day long, you may even manage not to think of that person but at those tender moments when you lie in your bed, alone, you feel as lonely as you didn't have the time to feel the rest of the day.

  I lied there, in my hotel beg, alone, at two in the morning. And I felt a longing as I closed my eyes for that guy to be there. In spite of everything. I just wanted him to be there and caress my hair, slowly, slowly, and lule me into sleep.
 
Instead I was lulled into sleep by a fantasy.

I thought I was making progress.

Instead I am driving my self to a dead-end.

Theory #4 The past comes to haunt you at the most incovenient times ever.

  You know you've let some certain things behind, that you have moved on, and right when you're ready to make a step forward, the past comes to bitch-slap you.

  There isn't much to say. Went out yesterday with some new girls I met. We went to a party and I met there some cute guy - like seriously cute (though I kind if have a feeling that he might be younger by a year or two). I think he was kinda shy. We talked but he barely danced - at. all. The good thing? He's not from around here, but lives near my town hurray! (I'm on vacation now).
  He's a friend of the girls and maybe we'll all meet again today. Pleeeease. 
  So after I came back to the hotel I went to sleep and dreamt of that guy. And you know what? It's actually rather irritating. Because I know he's into me but he won't make a move, even though some months ago I told him I liked him. And you know what? I get it, he's a coward. And I've got a pride and he has my cell-phone number, he can call me anytime.
  Back to the dream. 
  It was a rather sweet dream. Sweet and intimate. I remember it's feeling. I think the new guy was in there too. But I don't remember much other than that guy catching me from the waist, my back against his chest, his lips kissing my throat once in the most intimate way.
  I want to forget you damn it. 
  Because this images are not you, just what I wish I had with you.

Theory #3 Ready for the truth?

  In all honesty, it matters not whether you want to tell the truth or not. Because in spite of your willingness, chances are that there will be noone who will listen to it.

 I tried to talk to mom about some things that she does that bother me. Before I even finished the sentence, I saw the walls come up. I literally saw them in her eyes. They were that clear.
  I know that I am a nuisance most of the time and that I am propably a bit of a burden the rest of the time but I know one thing for sure: I am not as strong as I seem to be. I am, actually, more fragile than any of them knows. And the horrible thing that haunts me is that they will either realise too late or that they'll simply not care.
  I need my mom right now.
  Why can't I have her then? 

Theory #2 : The moment you think something is going well, it goes bad

  The moment something starts going well and you realise it, all hell breaks loose. It is as if a universal power has to make up for the good deed by bringing you a bad thing. The problem is, in universal power's book, one good thing weights more than a bad. And so, we get some good moments for many more bad ones...

  Of course I had a fight with mom. Of course she simply decides for me, without even asking me what I want. I'm seventeen damnit. If she doesn't give a flying fuck about what I want now, why will she in a year?

Theory #1

  We people tend to get certain things fixed into our heads. It takes days (or in some not so good cases longer) for the certain idea to leave our minds. We simply donot want to admit the inevitable: that we have to move on. In order to do so, we have to let go.

  And in order to let go, we have to find something else to grab.

  In the past few days I've been rather good. Actually, I've been pretty good since Sunday. Monday was awesome. Today has been awesome so far. Here's hoping I'll continue like that.
  I hardly think of him anymore. I know weird right? I mean, few days ago I could not get myself to think of anything else. But! I filled my days with activities and I go out with my friends everyday and I read and generally I keep myself busy with things that make me happy. Things that make me happy. Not my mother not anyone else. And now? I hardly think of him anymore.
  I'm sure you've heard this before: people busying themselves in order to keep from thinking. But it works! And that is exactly what we need to do.
  Grab something else.
  Get a new hobby perhaps?

Coward

  You idiot. You pathetic snivelling coward. What on bloody Earth are you so afraid of? I finally mustered up the courage to ask Jen why she said you liked me that night. And she told me that she was a hundrent percent sure you liked me because of the way you were looking at me, moments before I saw you.
  I'm a romantic, alright? I believe that people's eyes say what their mouths won't. No wait. That has nothing to do with me being romantic. That's what I believe.
  So I am mad at you. Can someone please explain to me what it is about teenage boys that stops them from making a freaking move towards someone who isnot brainless and a skank? Because, let's be honest, that the kind of girls you are used to. And, though I don't mean to sound self-absorbed, I know I am above their league.
  So what is it god fucking damn it? Do I intimidate you? Does what you feel intimidate you? (Ok, what are the chances for that one?)
  Of course, in your defence, you are not the only one. Oh no. I was talking with Jen today. She told that a guy can be crazy about you and you know he is and when you try to kiss him he turns the other way. That's how teenage guys react. They may know what they want but they rarely pursue. Adult guys pursue even if they don't know what they want.
  Fuck you.
  Fuck you fuck you fuck you.
  Because I'm still here. And god damn it, you know I fancy you. I told you in the face, just like that. Why are you fucking with my head? Why are you such a coward? Make one bloody step. Risk damn it! Am I not worth the risk compared to all those skanks that you dated? (well, not all of them were). Am I not worth it?
  And meanwhile, that guy, who was supposed to be my friend, reminded me once more that he is into me. O h yes he did. He stated so in the birthday card he gave me. In the fucking birthday card. He wrote he hoped he had been a page in my diary or something. That I had been in his.
  I bit my tongue in order to keep my self from texting him that he had been a page in my diary.
  A bleak one.
  One that I'd rather I forgot.

 

Emilia

It's my b-day tomorrow

   And I know that I'll spend tomorrow hoping you text me.
  Do you after all?
  Like me, that is.

  Also, that hunk (the one who is three years younger than me) is back from vacation - and I'm pretty sure he  viewed my facebook profile. I know he's been doing that for some time. Can I fantasize now?
  What can I say? That kid fullfills my sexual fantasies.
 Did I really just type that?
  Yeesh.

  God I need some contact - sexual and with a guy. It'd be some much more easier to get some if I weren't so sentimental and didn't mind being with a guy just for sex.
  That can't be my first sex experience, sorry.

Confused

  Yesterday was weird.
  I was waiting for Molly to come around so that we would go out. Apparently she saw you on the street. You exchanged pleasantries and then I was calling her and she said "Well, gotta go, Emilia's calling." And you turned to leave and apparently paused and turned and said "Hey. Tell Emilia I said hi."
  And then I saw you again, that same night. I was with Molly and Jen. We had gone for ice-cream.
  Now both Molly and Jen are sure you like me. by the way you reacted when you saw me.
  do you?
  We're weird no?
  Well, if you do hurry up, 'cause I'm trying to forget you here - I'm not doing that much of a good job obviously - and we can't afford any more bad timing.

  Emilia

for all I've loved, I've loved alone

  I saw that guy earlier. The guy from my school that I like. The guy that I had confessed to, the one who avoided me for some time but doesn't anymore (at least I don't think so). Apparently you had gone out with you friend for jogging. You were running, propably compiting with each other about who would first reach the steps. The end-line was beside me. Your friend won. You whooshed by me, not noticing me and stopped some steps ahead. You hadn't seen me, I was sure of that. You couldn't have.
  At that moment when I spotted him my stomach just plummeted downwards, all the way to Hades. Even though I have believed for some time now that I am over you.Screw that. At that moment, it was as if everything had gone from under my feet.
  And I hated myself for that.
  My friend, let's call her... Molly (she would have hated me had she known about this), asked me "Want me to say?"
  "No," I said firmly.
  "Why? He always says hi when he sees me. Plus it'd show you're over him."
  "No. Just no."
  I think she got her answer from that. I guess I got it too.
  It was only until later, when I remembered your sweaty body that I had to swallow. For the first time I thought of you as sexy. And at that moment, I really wouldn't have minded having you between my legs.
  I should have said hi.

 


There are still so many things that I have left unsaid. I still don't know what the fuck is going on in your mind. I don't even know whether you fancied me.  But I know I'm done with you. I have to be.

  Emilia



 

Fuck you is the word and I am not happy for that

  Just had a fight with one of my best friends (the sad thing is I am not even sure I can call her that) via Facebook. She said something and pissed me off and I simply told her to stop fucking my nerves. And then she went on about how I never call, how I only ever call one friend (not true) and how I never care about anyone.
 And simply replied that if she is not satisfied with my friendship she can simply stop being friends with me.
 I know. Apathetic right?
  Maybe. But I've taken her shit for as long as I can remember us: I've tolerated anything. Her fits of anger, her moodswing, her always talking big, her creating problems, everything. Because she's my friend. But right now, I'm not in the phase to tolerate anyone's shit. My temper is spiraling out of control recently. Not something I am proud of but nevertheless true. And I'm taking on a lot of pressure. No shit.
  I don't have time for phone calls. I've never been the phonecalling person. but when someone is needed I'm there. Always. I'm there for someone to lean on me. I have many flaws but that is a good thing about me that NOONE can say it's not true.
  I'm sorry girl, I don't have time for you being a spaz. I have problems too you know.
  So fuck you is the word and I am sorry for that.

Oh bollocks

  Do you ever feel so lonely so that you would welcome any touch - almost any?
  I always considered all those corny girls who had boyfriends just have a boyfriend silly and idiotic. And I still do. But at the same time, a strange envy overcomes me when I see them with their boyfriends.
  I never understood why exactly I don't have a boyfriend. I mean, I am rather pretty I suppose, I am smart, I have opinions. I like listening to people speak rather than speak myself. I am eager to help. Part of me though realises that it mostly because I'm propably not ready that I don't have a boyfriend. But I do feel ready.
  I feel as if a part of me is missing. Have you ever had the feeling, as if there is someone out there, looking for you and you for him, even though you have never met? Do you ever have this intolerable feeling of loss, as if a loved one has gone away?
  It is not so much my physical needs that torment me (though trust me, there are plenty of those) but rather the emotional ones. I donot need someone to tell me that he loves me. I need someone to hold, to embrace me. I need want this feeling of the other pressed against my body, holding me close. Someone who will be there, someone to lean on. someone who will lean on me.
  If I wanted some jock, just to fuck with or whatever, I could have gotten one. Pretty easily too. I am just not that girl who fucks around to feel complete. Not that I wouldn't sleep around if I felt like it (I still regret not kissing that guy back in Barcelona in that club).

 Fuck sentimentality.

Facebook is a strange thing indeed

  I mean, there's this girl in my class you know? She's the kind of girl who's nice to everyone and I really like her. I mean, if I were a better person, or rather, if I were a good person, I'd propably want to be like her. Everyone likes her and she seems to like everyone. And she has a hot younger brother.
  Anyway, what I wanted to say is that from time to time we talk and all but never on something serious, or deep, or really friendship-building. So anyway, it's Saturday night and I log on Facebook and there is. So I say hi and all. I later asked her how come she's not out with her friends. What she answered is really of no consiquence. Or rather, it is not my place to tell you about it. No offence. I'm sure you can keep a secret. I'm just not willing to tell you other people's.
  Ahem. So, here we are, her telling me about how there was a fall-out with her friends. And somehow she tells me, in no uncertain terms, that she's friendless - she didn't say it but I caught the drift. And here I am telling her, you know what? We live almost next door, you have my cell, call me anytime. Wanna come over for pizza sometime this week? We could watch a movie or something.
  And she says sure. And seems genually touched.
  So, here I am right now, wondering What the fuck? I mean, I do like her, and kind of fancy her brother, but there was never a chance for us to really hang out. Or really talk deep. Something that happened thanks to Facebook. Wow.
  And what is miraculous, is that at the moment I spoke with her I didn't think of the hunk she has for a younger brother. the gesture was not made in a cold calculating manner, but in a really, truly nice kind of way. And I am a nice girl, no matter who you ask that's what they'll tell you, but I also happen to think of myself as a calculative selfish little bitch.
  Not exactly boosting my confidence there.
  So anyway, Facebook connecting people?