Something not so old written in my cellphone

There are those days when everything is good
and easy
and busy
and then I spend some time alone
and when it all washes away
I still feel
like a stranger in my skin.

Too

My whole life
I've always felt like I'm too much.
Too emotional
Too cold
Too loud
Too quiet
Too close
Too far
Too fat
Too obscure
Too grotesque
Too arrogant
Too proud
Too insecure
Too clingy
Too distant.

Too overwhelming.

I feel like I'm neither here
nor there
always in the inbetween
Always a shadow
About to drift.

Country

It is not fair.
I fucking left the country
and everyday I think of you.
But then again
we have not been in the same country for some time now.

Wonder why I thought it's make
any difference
at
all.

Pretend

I just want to lie on my bed
and pretend
that you still want me.
Sometimes I still repeat in my head
that moment
under the covers
when you gently pulled me from the hips closer
and just placed your chest against my back
and buried your face in my hair
and your hand seeked my hand
and ignored the world and the morning light.

Paranoia

I know I've reached another level of paranoia
when everytime I start to draw
I still only want to paint
in colours that you can see.

Over

Message received.
End of discussion.
Bye.

Control

I'm in room
putting away stuff,
tidying up.

Small actions
that make me feel more

 in control.

 

Less

in pieces.

 

 



*

"If you leave
you're never
coming back.
Your mother knows this.
Your father will despair."

Or so my cousin said.

I wondered
whether it is so obvious
so plain and bared to see

my anxiety to leave.

Virginia

“I just miss you, 
in a quite 
simple 
desperate 
human 
way.”

—	Vita Sackville-West, Excerpt from a letter to Virginia Woolf

Silence *

If you think I don't see what you're doing there

you're right

I'm not.

 

Dammit don't ask me to message you when online

then disappear on me

go silent on me

for a month

with few

short

excuciatinlgy so

talks.

 

Doesn't change how I feel you know.

Does it change how you feel?

Is it even concious?

Nevermind the questions.

 

All that speaks

all I hear

is the silence.

 

 

 

(Sad to see you go)
I've started hoping that you'd stay
(Didn't we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
'Cause I always do

Pauses

When I pause
and reflect
on what I feel
what I do
I realise
how foolish it is

how foolish I am.

I head straight into things
not caring
if I crush my skull.

Let me pause this moment for while
ok?
Let me freeze them in place.
Let me not forget.
Let me get another shot at this
some time in a year.
Let me get a shot at you.

Fears

 

I've always been afraid

that all the attraction between us

was just that:

we filled the holes

each other had

in his soul.

 

 

Rain

Back then I knew why I was crying
Don't know
why I'm crying now,
what there is to let out.
I'm just letting them fall

and hope the rain outside
could somehow wash away
the dust inside my soul,
not just the streets.

I just need to cry something out

from inside.

Right?

You and I
are gonna be alright,
you know that right?

(Seperate we already are,
forgotten I already am,
I hope you're ok).

But in case you're not alright
I won't know
when we don't speak.
You know that right?