*

   There days when it gets difficult to remember who you are or what you want or why. I find myself often in such days and the past two years have intensified that feeling. On such days I find it most beneficial to seclude myself from outside noise - I suppose the one good thing about moving here is that there are much fewer people living in the neighborhood and noise has reduced quite a lot. 

  Nonetheless, I do wonder whether I have grown to become neurotic. On my down days I have difficulty doing the simplest of things, completing the tasks that I know down the line will bring the rewards to me, not only physically but also mentally. In a way I suppose it's self-punishing myself.

  Almost everyone asks me when am I coming back. I give vague answers though in my head it has become clearer now that I will not stay here long either, When I first came I worried that I would get stuck here forever and be unable to move away, stuck in the money that is better from my home country but with all the disadvantages my old life had. But now I know a year here will prove to be a miracle, I know for a fact I might not even stay that long. And the fact that I feel even that I have enough power to do that makes me breathe a bit better some days. 

  Hope is an odd little thing, is it not? Except I am not sure whether it's hope exactly. Just certainty I suppose that I will try to play whatever cards I am dealt with in the best possible way. And to hell with it. 

  That's what I think whenever I low, very low, as I am today. 

  To hell with it.

*

   I did not come to this land to find happiness but I had hoped indeed for some semblance of peace. I had hoped that in spite of the hardships some things would be prettier but often I struggle to breathe.There is one thing that I do to make myself feel better and that is the slow but meticulous closing of old things left open for far too long. Tidying up things I left half-done. And I hate cleaning up any mess that is not physical and I can not simply scrub away.

  I am in complete denial of the ways that I block myself. I have gotten better at some parts though and that alone does bring me some hope. But part of me loathes even starting things that I know will make me feel better. And I am alone here and do not know how to keep pushing myself. 

  I wake up early most mornings. I write, I try to find time to breathe. I started moving my body somewhat just feel a little bit better. During that I feel calmer and more in control and somewhat grateful. Still I struggle with my mind. But I try to push forward, even for a little while. I get up, make coffee, eat some fruit, write, exercise, try to squeeze in a bit of something else. I go to work, I rot, I come back, cook and go to sleep. I often lose a lot of time on the internet. I'm thinking whether I should just turn off my connection past 9p.m.

  I don't find solace in myself these days, that is all. I took all the loneliness and unrest from one place and carried it to another. And there are no distractions here to keep me from facing myself. So I try to find some for myself. How ironic and fitting at the same time that I keep on going back to all those things that hardly ever did me any good. I know what will distract me, what will upset me, I seek it still.

  That being said, I think I like myself better now. It took some time to look square in the eye all the time I let others down and even longer the times when I let myself down. And somehow I like me better now than before I left my home. And much to my surprise, I even feel glad for the bridges I chose to burn. I never thought such a day would come. I was prepared to mourn and mourn and mourn and yet.

  And yet. 

  And yet I realised that there will always be someone in whose story I am a villain. And sometimes I have been exactly that. And other though I have tried, I will not be viewed in any other way than the one comforting to the other person. Let them put all the blame they want on me. I have carried my own. And in learning to tend to myself, I have learnt to carry that too.

  I always thought that I would pray to go back in time to salvage some connections. And though I still miss them, I want to see them not.

  Not now, not ever again.