I think I make things tough inside my head...

  For the record,
Tony did call
one day
before I left for vacation.

"You're still asleep?"
I stayed up late watching a movie.
"Cool. You free tomorrow?" Hearing those words made me swear iOn tnwardly.
I had been waiting
for two weeks.
I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow. 
In the morning.
"Fuck.
You free today?
I could
try to cancel some stuff."

We both tried but didn't make it. He left the country for the US on my birthday. He said he'd message me once he got online.

I was on the vacation along with Ellie, Mollie and Mishka. We found this cool bar that played rock and rock'n'roll music. There was thic sute waiter there with whom I danced once (wow, I was one of the few he danced with - all. week. long. that is). He had the whole rock'n'roll thing going on and he was a good dancer. Ellie got really antagonistic with me over him and it really fucking pissed me off because the way she did it was very aggressive and possesive. I mean, we all four drooled over him - it was inevitable - but her manner annoyed me, she sometimes acted like a 15-year-old.
  And now I feel like a bitch for thinking of that. I mean, I only danced once with the guy and we only spoke again when I asked him to put a particular song on and when he asked whether he could take away some empty plates and I re-ordered those beers that hadn't come. (It took ages to communicate with him, and he kept looking in my eyes it was unnerving. And he wanted to learn from who we had ordered them before. Ok. Took him ages to bring them - only when another waiter went to get them - and then he sort of slammed them on the table). (I think he regarded us as some sort of groupies).
  (Mollie fucked one of his friends. why am I even writing that?)
  But what annoyed me the most was the fact that Ellie kept on mentioning Tony whenever I mentioned the waiter. Once she even told me "You don't like this guy, you're in love with Tony."
  Fuck it, I'm not in love with Tony. I didn't have the chance to be. If we had had a little bit of more time, if we had managed to go out, if something actually had happened, then yes, I would have been. Falling, really, completely and utterly falling was so easy with him. But our timing was too bad, even if he wants to keep in touch.
  I don't think I can emotionally get invested in someone who lives half-accross the world, someone who I don't know what he does, what he thinks, someone I don't really know that well. I can't fall for someone who isn' here.
  I can't wait for someone when I don't know who and why I'm waiting, or even whether I should be waiting.

And Ellie sometimes makes me feel as if she's jealous of me, as if she wants to bring me down. But I know I'm only being paranoid.



  And Tony messaged me yesterday. We've messaged via Facebook the last couple of days (or is it nights?). And we've mostly chit-chatted,
a voice inside my head going
what
  are you doing
this
  is not even actual communication
just
  mindless talking between strangers
why
   are you even bothering?
why
  is he even?

Theory #23: When something goes well, expect something else to go wrong.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one area of your life starts going well another falls spectacularly to pieces, said Bridget Jones.
  She forgot to mention that the opposite rarely applies.

  I begun the preparation for the University of Fine Arts, I got over L and now I sort of fancy Tony. Remember Tony? My tango partner? Yeah well, the thing is that when I talk about him I blush immensely and that when we had a two-hour-long rehearsal we rehearsed for half an hour and we talked the rest. He makes me laugh and when we dance together I relax. When he looks into my eyes he makes me smile immediatelly.
  That's... not good exactly, in the sense that I just got over someone whom I liked for the past three years, I'm not sure that falling for someone else is the safest thing to do. Especially if that someone is leaving the country by the end of the month and won't be back for a few months.
  Even if he said he'd call me this week to go out, even if he's made that dreamy smile of those in love return to my lips, it's not good. What? Oh, ok, yes I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about something that feels so good and lifts my spirits.
  I missed it though. I missed the excitement of liking someone, the excitement of talking to that person so easily. I've missed going to bed with no tears in my eyes, no heavy heart, no painful thoughts. I've missed that beat that your heart skips at the prospect of a message, the anxious checking of the phone, the secret smiles, the possibility of something happening. Something new, with someone new, with no past history and bitterness following at your heels. I've missed private jokes that you make without thinking God, these only matter to me for sure. 
  I miss this feeling of falling  in love instead of being in a bruised love. 

 
  And then  I learn about Sonia and Annie. You have to understand that I have circles of close friends. My close friends from one circle are not necesserily friends with the other circle. So Annie, Sonia and I are on circle of close friends. Annie has been in love with this guy for three years now (what is it with number three?). Mad, passionate love, the kind of love you read in Neruda's poems, the all-consuming type.
  And Sonia has been talking the entire time with that guy, texting about this and that, with him saying that he likes her and her agreeing to go out with him. All behind Annie's back. A friend of Annie's checked their messages along with Annie (not ethical I know) and they were even... they made fun of Annie.
  How do you do that? How do you laugh at someone's agony when you know it firsthand, when you're one of their closest friends, when you're someone who's trusted? How can you give the kiss of Judas?
  Betrayal is a bitter drink. And suddenly everything within the gang (there are others in this circle but the three of us were the closest) is in pieces and I'm trying to keep Annie together and I can't for the life of me understand how I did not see that coming.

I'm just trying to keep everything together, my head's in pieces, my heart is too and suddenly the drawing I have to do for the school is not the art I want to make.