The shoes pinch my toes. I have to lean against the wall to stand. The theater is a summer one and when looking up you can see the sky. I press myself against the wall and look up at the starry sky as I hear the other actors say their lines and the applause. And then it is my turn to go on the stage. I do the converasation as I am supposed to do. Then, infuriated (as the character of the role I played becomes), I raise my voice high, high enough that nothing moves in the theater, no sound is heard. I shout a cry for union, a cry of despair. At that moment, I am not me, I have become one with the role I played, small as it may have been.
When I get backstage people tell "Now this was some serious voice. Some serious balls."
But my knees trembled all the while.
Later, around 3a.m. we get a cab, S, L and I. Some of the others decided to go back on foot. The driver asks the boys how come we got a taxi and L said "We had the safety of the girl to mind. We couldn't let her go back home alone."
It was appreciated.
I'm looking for some sort of the familiar fluttering in my stomach but there's only an echo of it.
I hope L remembers to bring me back my keys.
P.S. To Bathwater: Thank you for your comments. I had no way to contact you so I say so here.
29.6.12
17.6.12
Theory #22: Instict never lies.
Always trust your instics. According to researchers, the reason we have it is because it's the best way for our subconscious to warn us about something we have not acknowledged.
My instict was right on Wensday when I had the feeling Tony wouldn't come to rehearsal. He called me to cancel. His grandpa had a stroke. I texted him on Thursday. He said his grandpa is not stable yet.
It was also right about yesterday when L brought his fucking girlfriend with him at the party of a mutual friend. When did he ever even get a girlfriend? She's the first of his girlfriends that took an instant dislike at. They kept kissing and once as they were kissing he lifted her and twirled her around.
And nearly landed her on me. It took real zeal on my part to not punch him in the face.
But on the brightside, I felt nothing when I was told that his girlfriend was coming as well. Nothing. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm not that into him anymore and I just hadn't realised it. Maybe my feelings for him had indeed been a routine after a certain point.
I had told Annie that this Saturday either something will happen between us or it will end.
It ended.
And all I feel is relief. He has a girlfriend now and I have no reason to analyse his every move to understand what the fuck goes on in his head. I can, at last, move on.
At least I hope so.
I hope from now on I'll have someone else to write about.
My instict was right on Wensday when I had the feeling Tony wouldn't come to rehearsal. He called me to cancel. His grandpa had a stroke. I texted him on Thursday. He said his grandpa is not stable yet.
It was also right about yesterday when L brought his fucking girlfriend with him at the party of a mutual friend. When did he ever even get a girlfriend? She's the first of his girlfriends that took an instant dislike at. They kept kissing and once as they were kissing he lifted her and twirled her around.
And nearly landed her on me. It took real zeal on my part to not punch him in the face.
But on the brightside, I felt nothing when I was told that his girlfriend was coming as well. Nothing. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm not that into him anymore and I just hadn't realised it. Maybe my feelings for him had indeed been a routine after a certain point.
I had told Annie that this Saturday either something will happen between us or it will end.
It ended.
And all I feel is relief. He has a girlfriend now and I have no reason to analyse his every move to understand what the fuck goes on in his head. I can, at last, move on.
At least I hope so.
I hope from now on I'll have someone else to write about.
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