Theory #7: Loving someone shouldn't hurt so much.

Loving someone might be difficult. Obstacles are bound to be in the way. That's how life is. But loving someone liking someone - love is such a big word I dare not use it - should not hurt. It should not make you weary. If someone's too difficult to love. Maybe he's not the one fot you to love.
  Not in that way.

  I was talking a friend about an hour ago. A good friend. Our situations are similar. 
  It has been difficult for both of us to get over what happened in the past months. To someone else, what happened may seem insignificant but it took a huge impact on us.It changed us. It brought us down.
  She told me that she has kind of gotten over her guy. She still likes him but she is not in love with him anymore. She said what made her start to get up on her feet is something I told her the last time we talked. That in order to move on you have to try to do so. 
  I told her from experience.
  I said that I simply couldn't take it any longer. That I feel tired and that loving liking someone shouldn't bring me down so much. It shouldn't hurt so much.
  Maybe I'm a romantic but... I believe that love is supposed to make your heart soar. It should inspire you not wear you down to the bone.
  I'm tired of being tired.
  This wasn't meant to be and I can see that. I knew it from moment one but I risked it anyway.
  I don't regret it one bit.
  But it's time for it to stop.
  My friend said that on the first day of school you'll talk to me and that I'll get pissed. Brcause one day you talk to me and the next you don't. The way she said it made me snicker. She never encourages me where you are concerned, because she's afraid that I might get my hopes up for nothing and will get hurt.
  There's nothing to get my hopes up for. At least not for you. For us.
  And I realised that it was over a long time ago. On my part at least. I just didn't want to realise it because then what was I supposed to do? I only recently had the courage to look myself in the eye and speak the truth.
  And here's something that I've found to be true and more to the point than everything:

"The moment you stop to think about whether you love someone, you've already stopped loving that person forever." 
— Carlos Ruiz Zafón (The Shadow of the Wind)

Theory #6: Just because you are among people, doesn't mean you're not alone.

"Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone." 
— Charles Bukowski

  You can smile as much as you like, be among friends and laugh. But in the back of your mind it all feels temporary. Unreal. It's not their fault but suddenly things stop feeling right. 
  Instead they feel incomplete.

  In all honesty I don't know why I am like this. Up until a few days ago, when I returned from my vacation, things were fine. I was fine. And now I'm not. I feel so lonely. So damn lonely. There are a few people that I care to talk to but I haven't been able to get hold of them.
  The sound of the phone as they don't answer seems to emphasise my mood.  

"I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don't know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. In reality those who satisfy me are those who simply allow me to live with my ''idea of them." 
— Anaïs Nin

Theory #5: Be as strong as you like, the loneliness will still be there before you fall asleep.

 You know you deserve better. You know it. But again you cannot help your self. You may distract yourself all day long, you may even manage not to think of that person but at those tender moments when you lie in your bed, alone, you feel as lonely as you didn't have the time to feel the rest of the day.

  I lied there, in my hotel beg, alone, at two in the morning. And I felt a longing as I closed my eyes for that guy to be there. In spite of everything. I just wanted him to be there and caress my hair, slowly, slowly, and lule me into sleep.
 
Instead I was lulled into sleep by a fantasy.

I thought I was making progress.

Instead I am driving my self to a dead-end.

Theory #4 The past comes to haunt you at the most incovenient times ever.

  You know you've let some certain things behind, that you have moved on, and right when you're ready to make a step forward, the past comes to bitch-slap you.

  There isn't much to say. Went out yesterday with some new girls I met. We went to a party and I met there some cute guy - like seriously cute (though I kind if have a feeling that he might be younger by a year or two). I think he was kinda shy. We talked but he barely danced - at. all. The good thing? He's not from around here, but lives near my town hurray! (I'm on vacation now).
  He's a friend of the girls and maybe we'll all meet again today. Pleeeease. 
  So after I came back to the hotel I went to sleep and dreamt of that guy. And you know what? It's actually rather irritating. Because I know he's into me but he won't make a move, even though some months ago I told him I liked him. And you know what? I get it, he's a coward. And I've got a pride and he has my cell-phone number, he can call me anytime.
  Back to the dream. 
  It was a rather sweet dream. Sweet and intimate. I remember it's feeling. I think the new guy was in there too. But I don't remember much other than that guy catching me from the waist, my back against his chest, his lips kissing my throat once in the most intimate way.
  I want to forget you damn it. 
  Because this images are not you, just what I wish I had with you.

Theory #3 Ready for the truth?

  In all honesty, it matters not whether you want to tell the truth or not. Because in spite of your willingness, chances are that there will be noone who will listen to it.

 I tried to talk to mom about some things that she does that bother me. Before I even finished the sentence, I saw the walls come up. I literally saw them in her eyes. They were that clear.
  I know that I am a nuisance most of the time and that I am propably a bit of a burden the rest of the time but I know one thing for sure: I am not as strong as I seem to be. I am, actually, more fragile than any of them knows. And the horrible thing that haunts me is that they will either realise too late or that they'll simply not care.
  I need my mom right now.
  Why can't I have her then? 

Theory #2 : The moment you think something is going well, it goes bad

  The moment something starts going well and you realise it, all hell breaks loose. It is as if a universal power has to make up for the good deed by bringing you a bad thing. The problem is, in universal power's book, one good thing weights more than a bad. And so, we get some good moments for many more bad ones...

  Of course I had a fight with mom. Of course she simply decides for me, without even asking me what I want. I'm seventeen damnit. If she doesn't give a flying fuck about what I want now, why will she in a year?

Theory #1

  We people tend to get certain things fixed into our heads. It takes days (or in some not so good cases longer) for the certain idea to leave our minds. We simply donot want to admit the inevitable: that we have to move on. In order to do so, we have to let go.

  And in order to let go, we have to find something else to grab.

  In the past few days I've been rather good. Actually, I've been pretty good since Sunday. Monday was awesome. Today has been awesome so far. Here's hoping I'll continue like that.
  I hardly think of him anymore. I know weird right? I mean, few days ago I could not get myself to think of anything else. But! I filled my days with activities and I go out with my friends everyday and I read and generally I keep myself busy with things that make me happy. Things that make me happy. Not my mother not anyone else. And now? I hardly think of him anymore.
  I'm sure you've heard this before: people busying themselves in order to keep from thinking. But it works! And that is exactly what we need to do.
  Grab something else.
  Get a new hobby perhaps?