Low desires

And as you smiled
I knew all my fears were unfounded
and as relief surged in
so did disappointment
and God damn,
I really did have hope
that I would not turn out to be so cruel.
I wish for people to crave me
even as I do not.
What a low desire
to have myself.

Compliment

To his compliment 

I replied "I know." 

He sat back against the balcony wall

smoking and unnerved and said

"You have a lot of confidence

and I think there might be a hole in it somewhere."

Tilting my head I asked

"Don't we all have?"

Oh no

And as we laid side by side on the mattress
our bodies feeling hot and sweaty and animal-raw
his hand found mine and he interlaced our fingers
and I felt the panic forming at the back of my throat
'cause the only connection between us is lust
and I do not want anything more.
I turned my back and stared outside at the city lights
and ignored the gut-feeling
as his hand kept mine pinned
in the small space between our skins
saying "There are no other signs
except this feeling of dread.
He's not that kind of man."

Lust

All I want from him
is his hand around my neck
and my teeth tearing at his flesh.

I want that look upon your face
as you undress me.

Fucking thoughts

And as we fuck
for the first time
my first time
I think of you
not the guy who moves inside me
who treats me rough and soft
at the same time.

Good news is
we both see it as just sex.

Thanks for the warning

If I feel like smoking
I'll smoke.
Don't tell me you'll kill me for it
if it does not kill me first.
I've been drowning in myself all this time.
I don't need tobacco to die.

Manic Obsessive

The truth is
I love all my obsessions
all of my addictions.
Whether that's tobacco
or alcohol
or people
or emotions.

I draw them
I put them on paper
they break the shell of boredom
they break me
they keep me alive.

If I'm not addicted to something
there's no ground under my feet.

Let me burn
from the inside out.

*

Since last summer
you're like a strange ghost
to which I turn
when I need to trick myself
of having someone's body
wrapped with mine.

The man in Berlin

I think
of all those things he told me in Berlin
when we sat in the park.
Of his past.
He told me
"Don't be scared,"
and I replied
"I'm not."
I should have specified
"I trust you enough to not be."
I wonder why he told me
things he knew might change the way I saw him.
I wonder if it was because he had run out
of small talk topics.
Because my silence made him too uncomfortable.
But I could never speak and when I looked at him
I stared
and he would always ask me "what?"
"Nothing."
While the others were there
they spoke enough
that I could remain silent unnoticed.
With some people speech just doesn't come out.
But I'm glad
I said at least
"I appreciate it. You telling me things
you may not feel like sharing."
For a moment
I saw it in his eyes
he was stunned.
Then he laughed and said
"You're welcome I guess."

The things he told me
burn inside me
he's one of those people
you're not in love with
but you could easily be
if you let yourself fall.
He's the kind of person
that probably resonates in everyone
after they meet him.

While in Berlin

I ate less
I smoked more
sometimes more than tobacco
occasionally I drunk more.
I felt lonely at times and content.
Now I'm back and crying
I shouldn't feel so trapped
by people's love.
I love them too
so much
it hurts to think they'll all be gone one day
that's why I need to leave.
I'm a coward
not so deep in my heart.

I loved that state
in which I was continually wondering
what would it take to lose control?