Theory #19: Somedays can be like the first day of falling in love.

hvknl
You have a spring in your walk, and sigh whenever you see him, and you have lost look on your face, a smile playing on your lips.
  I'm sorry I do not know whether it's going to get harder again later on.            
 
I'm not sure what the reason was. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen you in so long. Two weeks. They went by in moments of happiness, sadness and loneliness. I missed you. So much. More than I had thought. And today when we talked I felt so happy, my heart nearly burst when I came down the stairs and saw you talking with a teacher. I wanted to say hi but I didn't want to interrupt, so I passed behind the teacher and went into the teacher-room to leave the absences catalog and when I came out the teacher was gone and you daid hi. I responded and then went towards the stairs and I couldn't contain my happiness, I was smiling.
  And you were three steps behind so I waited for you and we talked the only thing that came to mind in order to begin a conversation was to ask you whether S, your best friend, had come. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How do you make me get so stuck? And you laughed saying you're frineds but you don't manage your schedule and then you walked all the way with me to the classroom (it wasn't a long way, just three meters from the stairs, and next to your classroom) and asked me whether  I was going to play Tichu (a game) with the others. "Nah, gotta deliver lunch to my cousin." You said ok and then you left. (And you didn't go to your classroom I noticed.)
  And then afterwards when you passed in front of the door and I just kept smiling like an idiot.
  And then at some point you were at our door, T (your best friend who seems to like Annie) was standing behind you and you were looking were Annie and I were sitting and I saw you. And I couldn't help smiling and waving. And you smiled and waved back. And T whispered something to you.
  Those tiny moments gave me happy memories you know.

  And here's something I wrote today during Physics:

I have
aching lips for you to kiss,
fingers that ache to trace your jawline.

At your sight I soar
And plunge head-first into darkness then.
I miss the moments we didn't live,
the memories we didn't make.

The poet speaks the truth:
I had for you the love you wanted.

I wonder

I wonder
to which girl does your thought stray,
your eyes linger?
Whose smile do you wish to see
which glint of eye you notice.
Whose perfume do you wish to smell
whose body heat you crave.
What hands and lips you wish to kiss
whose skin you wish to caress.
There is no need as deep as this,
as pointless,
or as honest
as to be the one you long to kiss.

Diary Entry #4

  I'm not sure what's the most difficult: the mornings, that hazy moment when you open your eyes, when you're brought to consiouness or the nights, the moment right before you lose consiouness, all sense of you. Each seems difficult in its own way. Both share the same feeling of loneliness.
  Today's his birthday. I texted him when I woke up; he was my first thought. He repiled with a "Thanks!" and that was all there was to it. Well, it's not like I expected anything different. But I still felt both happy and sad. Happy that he replied, sad that that was the only reason I could text him about.
  I'm in my blues again.
  I also realised yesterday that L bears a resemblance to my father. They both have strong facial bone structure. The last one was noticed by Molly. I also know that there's a certain character resemblance.
  So it's true. Girls do fall in love with guys that remind them of their fathers.

P.S. Thinking of posting some of my poems. Still not sure over that.

Diary Entry #3

  Ok Emilia, time to sit down and think a bit about what you've done today.
  And that is pretty much... nothing. It's four o'clock in the morning and you have to write an essay on tourism, do a synopsis and study maths. For tomorrow morning at 11 a.m.
  Gee, I wonder, which part won't work? The sleep part and we all know it.

 I've been thinking a lot about L these past few days and at the same time I haven't. I'm ok at the moment. At the moment. I'm still lonely. I was talking with Annie today, one of his friends is flirting her, big time, and she's not really interested. We were talking about relationships in general. And all of a sudden she asks me "I don't get it, do you have to sleep with them the moment you get together?"
  I had to restrain myself from heaving a sigh. I have not slept with a guy before, I've only ever kissed once, but I explained to her that with the right person it will right. I won't even think about it. It's not something you can schedule exactly. I told her about that time I had been crying and everyone had thought I had been moved. And L came and hugged me smiling and said "You were moved huh?" And I  held him against him and buried my head on the crook between the neck and the shoulder. I didn't let go as fast as they do is casual embraces.
  But what mattered the most to me was that he didn't let go. And he calmed the sadness inside me.
  Also I afterwards learned that before that scene he had asked around about why I was not well.

  I must have written about this here more than 2 times. It matters that much. But my point is, with him, I could have sex with him. Not because he wanted to and I just couldn't say no. But because I wanted to, I want this closeness, thin intimacy, I want everything he has to offer. Even that stupid pink jacket that doesn't suit him at all.

  Alright, I think it's time to do that essay now.

Fragments #5

  The other night I had fever. I was writhing between the sheets, drenched in sweat, caught in that state between sleep and being awake. Sometimes everything was starkly visible and I was awake and others I seemed to be lost in shadows. I remember the heat of my body, it felt like it consumed me. I remember me wishing he was there to beat the heat with the touch of a cool hand against my skin. Or if he was still sick, if he was still feverish, for his flesh and mine to simply touch and if the fire grew stronger let the bloody flames consume, I thought.

  I also remember that no amount of wishing actually made him be there.

  And I closed my eyes and turned on my left side and wispered at the wall everything I wanted to tell him. But the air carrying the words stayed locked, imprisoned in the sickroom and the wind couldn't take the words to him.

  I was on the train with Ellie today. I took in a deep breath and said "Maybe I'll ask him out after the Exams."

  "Yes!" she exclaimed, "Do that! I've been telling you to for some time now. I mean, I asked you know who out." Sometimes I wonder whether she can finally decide whether L likes me or not.

  We were sitting in silence, the train rocking us rhythmically, the city going by. "You know," she said breaking the silence, "he does like you. I know that."

  "Just not enough."

  

  I got in a fight with mom the other day. Actually about two weeks ago. She managed to get me so mad that I left home in the dead of night, screaming at the top of my lungs and kicking trees. I've never felt so out of control. I've never lost control before. It scared me.
  I didn't care then. 

  It's just that everything gets bottled up inside and when it comes out it hits anything in its way. I've never reacted so violently before, I never even react violently.

  Some days afterwards mom pissed me off enough that I kicked a chair and it flew accross the room and a cabinet door which now has come partially off its hinges. Mom doesn't know.

  Since then I've been ok. I am now controlling my emotions.

Find me now. Before someone else does.

Diary Entry #2

  Image from tumblr.

And it's true. If I can't be with you, I don't want to spend any more of my life waiting for someone who will never come, waiting for you.

I miss you and you were never there.

F and I barely talk. I think I'm going to lose him from a friend eitherway. It seems like no matter what I do I hurt someone somehow.

It's 3 in the morning and sleep has abandoned me.

Diary Entry #1

  It started well. I overslept but told mom that we didn't have school til 9.05. Minor lie to ensure my peace of mind. I got up, chose what to wear, put on purple eye-liner - it had been so long since I last put eye-liner at school - then took breakfast. I was supposed to be up from 5a.m. in order to finish an essay I had to hand in at 3.30 p.m. Strangely enough I didn't even get stressed.

  Went to school. Literature class. Then it was the 15' break. I saw L. As I had thought, the day before he hadn't come in order to avoid that history test. Then math class. Then I had another two classes but one of the teachers was absent. Fuck it, I thought, I have an essay to write.

  "You leaving?" S asked me, L's best friend.

  "Yeah," I said, "you coming?"

  "Sure."

  We're friends with S - sort of - though I think he might had had a thing for me few years back - that's why I said "almost" (well, that and he's L's best friend). We were midway to my place. He was taking me home, as usual since we live near, when a sudden thought hit me.

  "What time is it?" I asked him.

  "Not 11 yet, why?"

  Ooh, fuck. "My mother's home." There was a silence. "Look, can I ask you a favour?"

  "Sure."

  "Hang out with me please? For another hour or so? I just don't want to go home."

  "Had a fight with your mother?" he asked.

  "Yeah, well, you could say that."

  "Where to? I'm buying."

  And so we left. The cafeteria was above a bookshop. Roaming through the shelves we judged some books, discussed others, exchanged suggestions on book titles. Then we entered the comic section and we exchanged views on certain artists' styles. Then there was the fantasy section. We both like "A game of thrones" (as L does - during that excursion trip we were talking, one night as we were going to the club. I was holding him to steady myself and we were talking and then he said "Well, recently S lent me a very good book to read, I'm not sure whether you'll have heard it-". "Game of thrones!" I exclaimed. "You know it?" He was surprised. "I've read it. It's very good." But all that is another story.)

  And then I saw The left hand of God and was going to say that it's one of my favourite books, I was actually pointing at it and had opened my mouth to say it when S said, "Oh, that's one of L's favourite series."

  Oh for fuck's sake. I get it, I hang out with your friend but this is ridiculous. You don't have to pop up everywhere. I even looked randomly at a street and it had the same name as your surname. Surely someone, somewhere, must be laughing at me. This can't be a coincidence.

  And then we went to the cafe. I took chocolate and he took coffee.

  As long as we sat there we kept on talking. S is a good guy. A genually good guy. A true gentleman even if he doesn't dress formal.

  Sometimes I wonder why I never fell for him but instead fell for his best friend.

  So this friend of S, K, and his mother had come to Greece from Instabul. S and I were going back when we met his mom and K and his mother. And they were going for souvlaki and they insisted I went with them. K was talk dark and handsome. A nice guy - as far as I could tell. We talked in English - he speaks well though his English were a bit rusty.

  I was allowed to pay for my souvlaki either.

  And then I rushed home and wrote the bloody essay, and finished right on time.

  I had prep school then - five hours.

  And now I'm home and I'm not studying. Today was a good day. I dare say it was a happy day - with the exception of the growing awkwardness between F and me. He is flirting and now I'm feeling uncomfortable. I feel like a whore who led him on. I do have the tendecy to get friendly with people I feel comfortanble. Perhaps too friendly. and this usually happens with people that I want to be friends with.

  Only everytime this happens with a guy this guy falls for me.

  No, they ahave not seen my ugly, insecure, scared side.

  I just want to hope that I'm wrong. I don't want to lose F the way I losed N last year. I need him to remain a friend. I pray to God he's like that with all his female friends - kissing their cheeks and stuff (today I simply drew back and said I didn't want to - sorry, this is getting too much, I felt like crying because I know where all this is going).

  But other than that all was well.

Fragments #4

I'm drunk, slightly, but enough to be a bit dizzy. I can still control myself. I listen to music in the dark. Good thing I can't text him. Amy Winehouse is playing.

F kissed me on the cheek the other day and I felt nothing. And there I was hoping I was falling in love with him. And now I realise that I'm only seeing him in as a friend. And I think I'm fucking with his head.
  I'll deal with this when I have to deal with this. I don't want to lose him as a friend. He's understands me too well.

I've been writing some poems for L.
He'll never see them.
I dare say they're rather good.

I need to go to sleep. That's all I've been doing in the past few days. Sleep.

I need him and he's not there. To his credit, he doesn't know either.