Well if I had thought I was not in the best of moods before going to the milonga, then after it what little good mood I had had before had hit rock bottom and rock bottom hit back.
The first let down was that he was not there - but then again, at least his girlfriend wasn't either.
Then finding out while talking with the new girl that he had danced with her three tandas was a blow in the stomach. It's ridiculous but I'm jealous of the attention he gives to other people even though to him I'm nothing more than just another person.
Then the fight with A fucking killed my mood. And actually it was my mistake. I know she's a private person and I said something that was probably not heard because over the music but nevertheless it should not have been spoken. It was something seemingly insignificant but had it been heard it might not have been and she got mad.
And for God's sake I'm literally thinking of just telling her to stop confessing stuff to me because I can't handle my big mouth and I'll probably let something slip in the future - things that in my eyes are not a problem but for her they are and that's what matters. I've been trying really hard to control everything but obviously it's not working and I rather be an acquintance than a problem.
After she got up and went to dance I downed my martini in one go and left without telling anyone goodbye. I trembled all the time until the bus came that someone I knew might pass by the bus stop and see me crying.
I just really need to step back for a moment.

Boundaries

  I have the tendecy to become overfriendly when I meet someone and I happen to like them as a person (or for whatever reason feel guilty towards them or at ease with them). But try as I might I never seem to be able to recognise their boundaries. I always seem to cross some line that I had never seen in the first place and when I'm snapped back to reality I'm left reeling. I retreat back into myself and I try to squize everything in one little heart beating in my chest. 

In truth I'm always alone. There are some rare moments when I'll forget that but that never lasts. I always remember that I'm either too much for others to stand or too little. (I'm usually too much but I feel too little). In all honesty, sometimes I just want to flip a switch and just sort of slip into a state of lacking emotions. I wish I did not care for people at all and that fantasies and books and music were enough but in truth they're not.

It's all or nothing with me and I've realised that I'm letting tango take up too much of my time. I just need to step back for a moment and recollect myself. I should just give a little bit of my self to things and people and in reality give nothing of my self. Otherwise I give them more than they care for and I need to be reminded that not everyone is interested in anything more than an acquintance. 

It makes me sad sometimes. I tell people that the reason I've never been in a relationship is that it just hasn't happened but perhaps the reason is that there's something wrong with me. Maybe I need to lose myself a little.

Maybe I don't care to keep me anyway.

And I've come to think tango is watching the one you love loving someone else and dancing that pain away. Or dancing to celebrate the ability to feel it at all.

And I can't decide which I prefer, which hurts me more: your friendship or your disinterest.

Headaches

  These past few days my head hurts. It's like a small amount of pressure has sat near the temples of my head  and won't leave. I sleep a lot or not at all and my body is trying to keep up. At least I eat more healithily now. And I'm trying to start going to the gym. And I'm trying to get myself going to at least swim in one direction or the other, regardless of whether it's the right one. At least I won't be in the same place anymore. 

  I have not seen him since Sunday and though I know where to find him a part of me happily avoids it. I can feel the attraction but I'm scared of having to fight it with his girlfriend sitting near by and chattering happily at me. Even though I'm generally very ablr at controlling myself and my emotions in public, during the last month I slipped a bit and I think anyone who might have cared could have noticed. Perhaps that is why he is avoiding dancing with me. Maybe that one time over a month ago he felt me trembling slightly in his arms. Maybe just maybe I wish to at least be burned this once. Maybe I'm just plain tired of living life on the other side of the wall that I have built around myself. I don't dare anyone step one tiny bit too close even if I want them to. It's a lonely way to live even if it is a "safe" one. Too bad I don't know how else to live.

  So I sit in the living room writing all this one sunny Saturday noon, listening to Zbigniew Preisner and Bach and wishing for glass of wine.

Maybe

"Maybe we've become too 'acquinted'," you said and I translated "Maybe you've overstepped the line."
That's exactly what I've been thinking. Excuse me, my bad, just give me a moment to retreat back to myself.