Headaches

  These past few days my head hurts. It's like a small amount of pressure has sat near the temples of my head  and won't leave. I sleep a lot or not at all and my body is trying to keep up. At least I eat more healithily now. And I'm trying to start going to the gym. And I'm trying to get myself going to at least swim in one direction or the other, regardless of whether it's the right one. At least I won't be in the same place anymore. 

  I have not seen him since Sunday and though I know where to find him a part of me happily avoids it. I can feel the attraction but I'm scared of having to fight it with his girlfriend sitting near by and chattering happily at me. Even though I'm generally very ablr at controlling myself and my emotions in public, during the last month I slipped a bit and I think anyone who might have cared could have noticed. Perhaps that is why he is avoiding dancing with me. Maybe that one time over a month ago he felt me trembling slightly in his arms. Maybe just maybe I wish to at least be burned this once. Maybe I'm just plain tired of living life on the other side of the wall that I have built around myself. I don't dare anyone step one tiny bit too close even if I want them to. It's a lonely way to live even if it is a "safe" one. Too bad I don't know how else to live.

  So I sit in the living room writing all this one sunny Saturday noon, listening to Zbigniew Preisner and Bach and wishing for glass of wine.