Diary excerpt

[...] I felt something in that instant, I am not sure how to describe it, I grab for the words but they are just not there. I struggle to form them with my lips but my lips are numb, and so,  beyond my control. But it was as if at that moment an electrical current striked me, deep within me, I felt a sharp twinge in my heart.

No reason, I told myself as I scrolled further, no reason to be influenced, there's nothing new there, nothing to see, nothing that is my bussiness to mull over, nothing nothing nothing.

Where does this obsession end?

This ought not to hurt anymore. (Except I'm not precisely hurt, nor envious. It feels more as if I am in a parenthesis that everyone overlooks, unable to get out of the brackets.)

It feels like I can't outgrow myself. Like I'm stuck in phases. It's like T.S. Elliot said"

"Some things take root 

in the brain and just don't

let go."

(Written in my diary in the early hours of dawn, posted unedited).

Fine day

I thought to myself
I'm not really going
to eat soup and drink wine
at 7p.m. am I?

Except yes, yes I am
just as I enjoyed
strawberries drenched in mastic liquer
and covered in brown sugar earlier,
while I submerged myself
to words and thoughts
that were not mine
but belonged to other people.

A fine day
one might say.

Intentions

I intend to get lost in Rome.
I'll get lost among the traces of the ancient city
and among the bars and the people.
And before that I intend to get lost in Berlin
and make a vow to return someday there
among the beautiful harsh language.
And after that I intend to get lost in some other city
in some other country
in some other bars
in some other man's arms
in some other faceless nameless bunch of people.
I intend to constantly get lost
to constantly lose myself
to let other constantly lose me if they wish to.
That seems like the only way
I can hold on to me.

Dream on

Yesterday I dreamt
of the boy
I have not seen
and have not been able to forget
for a long while now.

(Is one really a boy over 20?

I always call him that)

It was tender and short

and we both kept on

appearing and disappearing

only to find each other again.

I remember caressing the back of his knee

asking him whether he minded

      -he did not-

and laughing and telling him

"Sei ubriaco!"

as he stumbled slightly

then sat down heavily

by my side.

It made me a little sad

and yet

if you see me passing by

you'll notice that I'm smiling.

Spiral

Today
was not a bad day.
But somehow I feel
like I'm collapsing in on myself,
like my heart is caving in
like I'm running out of breath.

Somehow I register
I'm not making making circles
I'm spiralling downwards.

Morning walk

I did not sleep last night. I laid next to her, listening to her slow intakes of breath. I was in a strange man's house, someone who's name I forget and whom I have not met yet. But she had the keys to his place and he was away and there would be no chance like this to catch up with each other and there were so many things to tell. She was feeling like such a mess. She looked at him and hurt. And the were anxieties piling up inside me, things I had not shared so I followed her to the appartment that overlooked the cemetery.

Which was probably a mistake, because look at me now, sleep-deprived and without a chance to sleep before midnight for today. I couldn't sleep for there were thoughts of him in me tonight and they mingled with the way some other guy looked at me, and what words I've shared with each one of them - I repeated words I had been told in the past and when I think of the outcome of that case I feel sorry for the poor lad that heard them, should he go down the same course. You usually fall for people who dare to admit to you they're not that great. Maybe honesty is so rare these days we can't help but free-fall in its wake.

I got up and left with the first rays of sunlight, I put on my hat and shoes then my leather jacket. I went quietly down the stairs, opened the door and let myself out. My eyes felt weary and I shivered in the crispy April air. I plugged in my ear-phones, my feet taking me around an unfamiliar area, the world waking around me. I went through the archives, somehow Winehouse seemed like the most appropriate choice.

Mornings in Athens can be such hopeful and such hopeless hours.

First drink

There was

something utterly delicious

in that first sip of Baileys

that I'm currently enjoying. 

It left 

a slight burning in my lips

it made a shiver run down my spine.

Sometimes

that is all it takes

some good alcohol

some good music

the memory of that guy

who kept looking at me yesterday

and laughed at what I said

and quietly said

"I think I've figured out how you work.

You have that cool  and polite exterior

and then all the coolness comes out."

I hope you look that way

many girls

for I'll only break your heart.

Be careful boy, you've only known me for days

I have not let you in yet.

Alarmed

I've been feeling
                        alarmed.

  I was so annoyed yesterday at your absence. I had been certain that at some point I'd catch a glimpse of him among the others, casually leaning against the piano or the bar and drinking his beer. So certain, so certain that as the time went by I kept feeling more and more annoyed and, if I am to be completely honest, worried and disappointed at his absence. Having not seen him for over a week I miss the buzz he gives me, the way he riles me up, the way he places his hand on my arm or my waist, the slow way he leans in to kiss my cheek. I just kept glancing over my shoulder at the exit.

  I'm alarmed because I give him too much importance. Alarmed because he shakes me out of my daily boredom. Alarmed because I want to unnerve him to the point I render him speechless. I want to make him blush. 

  Alarmed because he makes me feel more like a predator rather than someone who just wants to be in love.