Surprise drinks

Yesterday night
I only went out for a drink
after lying on the floor of a dance school until midnight.
Somehow
I ended up at some rich kid's house
smoking weed with his friends as the sun came up,
his fiery girlfriend sleeping on the balcony couch.
N slept in the arms of an italian,
and I went inside intoxicated,
frustrated by his silence,
the lack of his hands on my skin,
for all the wrong reasons.
I laid down on the couch
and sank inside myself
until staying there was unbearable.

*

Grandma's back is turned to me.
She breathes heavily in her sleep
I wonder if she's dreaming.
I smoke silently by the window
the city lights of a foreign city
in a foreign country
music
and cigarette smoke
my sole companions.
She knows
and yet it still feels like a secret.
I smoke only behind her back.

Damn it
I'm getting mixed up over here
slightly emotionally involved.
I do not know
whether I'm merely slipping into intimacy
or I'm developing a crush.
I always tend to wonder
why people
let me in in their little universes.
It touches me deeply.
All I know
is that I have one month left
in that home of mine
and I want to spend the time we're left
with you.
I'm ready to pay for the consequences of that
but I've never asked
are you?

Tenderly,
Bug

Expiration dates

Do I cut off too soon
what already has an expiration date
or
or treasure the time left?
Do I remain entirely honest
or partally so.
Your messages confuse me,
what are you getting at?
I'm not trying to hurt you
I'm trying to hold back.

Sometimes I think you can feel me
drifting.
I wish I could say it was not so.

Hold on just another month or so
and then
never think of me at all.

Overpower

I bit him
and he choked me
as we fucked.
He stroked my hair
my cheek
my thighs.
Sometimes fucking
feels like fighting
and I realised what a good analogy that is
for the chemistry between us.
His weakness
is the emotions he appears to have for me.
They give me power
that I do not know how to handle
without instictively hurting him.
My power is also
the source of my fear,
my weakness.
Human relationships
tend to be
a game of overpowering the other.
It's a fight I am not willing to lose.
I might.
I hope i know myself enough not to.

Bathroom times

Days ago,
before leaving for a week,
I was at his place
in his bathroom.
He was standing naked before me
dripping wet on the floor.
His hands were taking off my undergarments
under my dress
and his lips were on the edge of mine.
"What turns me on the most,"
he said,
"is kissing you."

“Whatever I looked at was alive, everything had a voice,
but I never found out were you a friend, an enemy,
was it winter, summer? Smoke, singing, midnight heat.
I wrote thousands of lines. Not one told me.”

—	Anna Akhmatova, from Fragment, 1959

Bruises

I spend my days
in the half light
smoking stale tobbaco,
the only tobbaco that I'm left,
musing at the bruises betweem my thighs
wondering how
life is full of surprises
yet I'm never surprised
by the people that can bruise my heart.
The moment I meet them
I recognise them in an instant
as if something inside me said
"Hello there tormentor.
I have been waiting for you."

Careful what you wish for

He's fucking me when he says:
"Seems to me that I will fall for you.
And that won't be good."
He lowers on me
and his voice is low to my ear:
"Maybe I already have."
He's making me moan
and there is panic settling in my bones.