Coward

  You idiot. You pathetic snivelling coward. What on bloody Earth are you so afraid of? I finally mustered up the courage to ask Jen why she said you liked me that night. And she told me that she was a hundrent percent sure you liked me because of the way you were looking at me, moments before I saw you.
  I'm a romantic, alright? I believe that people's eyes say what their mouths won't. No wait. That has nothing to do with me being romantic. That's what I believe.
  So I am mad at you. Can someone please explain to me what it is about teenage boys that stops them from making a freaking move towards someone who isnot brainless and a skank? Because, let's be honest, that the kind of girls you are used to. And, though I don't mean to sound self-absorbed, I know I am above their league.
  So what is it god fucking damn it? Do I intimidate you? Does what you feel intimidate you? (Ok, what are the chances for that one?)
  Of course, in your defence, you are not the only one. Oh no. I was talking with Jen today. She told that a guy can be crazy about you and you know he is and when you try to kiss him he turns the other way. That's how teenage guys react. They may know what they want but they rarely pursue. Adult guys pursue even if they don't know what they want.
  Fuck you.
  Fuck you fuck you fuck you.
  Because I'm still here. And god damn it, you know I fancy you. I told you in the face, just like that. Why are you fucking with my head? Why are you such a coward? Make one bloody step. Risk damn it! Am I not worth the risk compared to all those skanks that you dated? (well, not all of them were). Am I not worth it?
  And meanwhile, that guy, who was supposed to be my friend, reminded me once more that he is into me. O h yes he did. He stated so in the birthday card he gave me. In the fucking birthday card. He wrote he hoped he had been a page in my diary or something. That I had been in his.
  I bit my tongue in order to keep my self from texting him that he had been a page in my diary.
  A bleak one.
  One that I'd rather I forgot.

 

Emilia

It's my b-day tomorrow

   And I know that I'll spend tomorrow hoping you text me.
  Do you after all?
  Like me, that is.

  Also, that hunk (the one who is three years younger than me) is back from vacation - and I'm pretty sure he  viewed my facebook profile. I know he's been doing that for some time. Can I fantasize now?
  What can I say? That kid fullfills my sexual fantasies.
 Did I really just type that?
  Yeesh.

  God I need some contact - sexual and with a guy. It'd be some much more easier to get some if I weren't so sentimental and didn't mind being with a guy just for sex.
  That can't be my first sex experience, sorry.

Confused

  Yesterday was weird.
  I was waiting for Molly to come around so that we would go out. Apparently she saw you on the street. You exchanged pleasantries and then I was calling her and she said "Well, gotta go, Emilia's calling." And you turned to leave and apparently paused and turned and said "Hey. Tell Emilia I said hi."
  And then I saw you again, that same night. I was with Molly and Jen. We had gone for ice-cream.
  Now both Molly and Jen are sure you like me. by the way you reacted when you saw me.
  do you?
  We're weird no?
  Well, if you do hurry up, 'cause I'm trying to forget you here - I'm not doing that much of a good job obviously - and we can't afford any more bad timing.

  Emilia

for all I've loved, I've loved alone

  I saw that guy earlier. The guy from my school that I like. The guy that I had confessed to, the one who avoided me for some time but doesn't anymore (at least I don't think so). Apparently you had gone out with you friend for jogging. You were running, propably compiting with each other about who would first reach the steps. The end-line was beside me. Your friend won. You whooshed by me, not noticing me and stopped some steps ahead. You hadn't seen me, I was sure of that. You couldn't have.
  At that moment when I spotted him my stomach just plummeted downwards, all the way to Hades. Even though I have believed for some time now that I am over you.Screw that. At that moment, it was as if everything had gone from under my feet.
  And I hated myself for that.
  My friend, let's call her... Molly (she would have hated me had she known about this), asked me "Want me to say?"
  "No," I said firmly.
  "Why? He always says hi when he sees me. Plus it'd show you're over him."
  "No. Just no."
  I think she got her answer from that. I guess I got it too.
  It was only until later, when I remembered your sweaty body that I had to swallow. For the first time I thought of you as sexy. And at that moment, I really wouldn't have minded having you between my legs.
  I should have said hi.

 


There are still so many things that I have left unsaid. I still don't know what the fuck is going on in your mind. I don't even know whether you fancied me.  But I know I'm done with you. I have to be.

  Emilia



 

Fuck you is the word and I am not happy for that

  Just had a fight with one of my best friends (the sad thing is I am not even sure I can call her that) via Facebook. She said something and pissed me off and I simply told her to stop fucking my nerves. And then she went on about how I never call, how I only ever call one friend (not true) and how I never care about anyone.
 And simply replied that if she is not satisfied with my friendship she can simply stop being friends with me.
 I know. Apathetic right?
  Maybe. But I've taken her shit for as long as I can remember us: I've tolerated anything. Her fits of anger, her moodswing, her always talking big, her creating problems, everything. Because she's my friend. But right now, I'm not in the phase to tolerate anyone's shit. My temper is spiraling out of control recently. Not something I am proud of but nevertheless true. And I'm taking on a lot of pressure. No shit.
  I don't have time for phone calls. I've never been the phonecalling person. but when someone is needed I'm there. Always. I'm there for someone to lean on me. I have many flaws but that is a good thing about me that NOONE can say it's not true.
  I'm sorry girl, I don't have time for you being a spaz. I have problems too you know.
  So fuck you is the word and I am sorry for that.

Oh bollocks

  Do you ever feel so lonely so that you would welcome any touch - almost any?
  I always considered all those corny girls who had boyfriends just have a boyfriend silly and idiotic. And I still do. But at the same time, a strange envy overcomes me when I see them with their boyfriends.
  I never understood why exactly I don't have a boyfriend. I mean, I am rather pretty I suppose, I am smart, I have opinions. I like listening to people speak rather than speak myself. I am eager to help. Part of me though realises that it mostly because I'm propably not ready that I don't have a boyfriend. But I do feel ready.
  I feel as if a part of me is missing. Have you ever had the feeling, as if there is someone out there, looking for you and you for him, even though you have never met? Do you ever have this intolerable feeling of loss, as if a loved one has gone away?
  It is not so much my physical needs that torment me (though trust me, there are plenty of those) but rather the emotional ones. I donot need someone to tell me that he loves me. I need someone to hold, to embrace me. I need want this feeling of the other pressed against my body, holding me close. Someone who will be there, someone to lean on. someone who will lean on me.
  If I wanted some jock, just to fuck with or whatever, I could have gotten one. Pretty easily too. I am just not that girl who fucks around to feel complete. Not that I wouldn't sleep around if I felt like it (I still regret not kissing that guy back in Barcelona in that club).

 Fuck sentimentality.

Facebook is a strange thing indeed

  I mean, there's this girl in my class you know? She's the kind of girl who's nice to everyone and I really like her. I mean, if I were a better person, or rather, if I were a good person, I'd propably want to be like her. Everyone likes her and she seems to like everyone. And she has a hot younger brother.
  Anyway, what I wanted to say is that from time to time we talk and all but never on something serious, or deep, or really friendship-building. So anyway, it's Saturday night and I log on Facebook and there is. So I say hi and all. I later asked her how come she's not out with her friends. What she answered is really of no consiquence. Or rather, it is not my place to tell you about it. No offence. I'm sure you can keep a secret. I'm just not willing to tell you other people's.
  Ahem. So, here we are, her telling me about how there was a fall-out with her friends. And somehow she tells me, in no uncertain terms, that she's friendless - she didn't say it but I caught the drift. And here I am telling her, you know what? We live almost next door, you have my cell, call me anytime. Wanna come over for pizza sometime this week? We could watch a movie or something.
  And she says sure. And seems genually touched.
  So, here I am right now, wondering What the fuck? I mean, I do like her, and kind of fancy her brother, but there was never a chance for us to really hang out. Or really talk deep. Something that happened thanks to Facebook. Wow.
  And what is miraculous, is that at the moment I spoke with her I didn't think of the hunk she has for a younger brother. the gesture was not made in a cold calculating manner, but in a really, truly nice kind of way. And I am a nice girl, no matter who you ask that's what they'll tell you, but I also happen to think of myself as a calculative selfish little bitch.
  Not exactly boosting my confidence there.
  So anyway, Facebook connecting people?