for all I've loved, I've loved alone

  I saw that guy earlier. The guy from my school that I like. The guy that I had confessed to, the one who avoided me for some time but doesn't anymore (at least I don't think so). Apparently you had gone out with you friend for jogging. You were running, propably compiting with each other about who would first reach the steps. The end-line was beside me. Your friend won. You whooshed by me, not noticing me and stopped some steps ahead. You hadn't seen me, I was sure of that. You couldn't have.
  At that moment when I spotted him my stomach just plummeted downwards, all the way to Hades. Even though I have believed for some time now that I am over you.Screw that. At that moment, it was as if everything had gone from under my feet.
  And I hated myself for that.
  My friend, let's call her... Molly (she would have hated me had she known about this), asked me "Want me to say?"
  "No," I said firmly.
  "Why? He always says hi when he sees me. Plus it'd show you're over him."
  "No. Just no."
  I think she got her answer from that. I guess I got it too.
  It was only until later, when I remembered your sweaty body that I had to swallow. For the first time I thought of you as sexy. And at that moment, I really wouldn't have minded having you between my legs.
  I should have said hi.

 


There are still so many things that I have left unsaid. I still don't know what the fuck is going on in your mind. I don't even know whether you fancied me.  But I know I'm done with you. I have to be.

  Emilia