And that is pretty much... nothing. It's four o'clock in the morning and you have to write an essay on tourism, do a synopsis and study maths. For tomorrow morning at 11 a.m.
Gee, I wonder, which part won't work?
I've been thinking a lot about L these past few days and at the same time I haven't. I'm ok at the moment. At the moment. I'm still lonely. I was talking with Annie today, one of his friends is flirting her, big time, and she's not really interested. We were talking about relationships in general. And all of a sudden she asks me "I don't get it, do you have to sleep with them the moment you get together?"
I had to restrain myself from heaving a sigh. I have not slept with a guy before, I've only ever kissed once, but I explained to her that with the right person it will right. I won't even think about it. It's not something you can schedule exactly. I told her about that time I had been crying and everyone had thought I had been moved. And L came and hugged me smiling and said "You were moved huh?" And I held him against him and buried my head on the crook between the neck and the shoulder. I didn't let go as fast as they do is casual embraces.
But what mattered the most to me was that he didn't let go. And he calmed the sadness inside me.
Also I afterwards learned that before that scene he had asked around about why I was not well.
I must have written about this here more than 2 times. It matters that much. But my point is, with him, I could have sex with him. Not because he wanted to and I just couldn't say no. But because I wanted to, I want this closeness, thin intimacy, I want everything he has to offer. Even that stupid pink jacket that doesn't suit him at all.
Alright, I think it's time to do that essay now.
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