Diary Entry #1

  It started well. I overslept but told mom that we didn't have school til 9.05. Minor lie to ensure my peace of mind. I got up, chose what to wear, put on purple eye-liner - it had been so long since I last put eye-liner at school - then took breakfast. I was supposed to be up from 5a.m. in order to finish an essay I had to hand in at 3.30 p.m. Strangely enough I didn't even get stressed.

  Went to school. Literature class. Then it was the 15' break. I saw L. As I had thought, the day before he hadn't come in order to avoid that history test. Then math class. Then I had another two classes but one of the teachers was absent. Fuck it, I thought, I have an essay to write.

  "You leaving?" S asked me, L's best friend.

  "Yeah," I said, "you coming?"

  "Sure."

  We're friends with S - sort of - though I think he might had had a thing for me few years back - that's why I said "almost" (well, that and he's L's best friend). We were midway to my place. He was taking me home, as usual since we live near, when a sudden thought hit me.

  "What time is it?" I asked him.

  "Not 11 yet, why?"

  Ooh, fuck. "My mother's home." There was a silence. "Look, can I ask you a favour?"

  "Sure."

  "Hang out with me please? For another hour or so? I just don't want to go home."

  "Had a fight with your mother?" he asked.

  "Yeah, well, you could say that."

  "Where to? I'm buying."

  And so we left. The cafeteria was above a bookshop. Roaming through the shelves we judged some books, discussed others, exchanged suggestions on book titles. Then we entered the comic section and we exchanged views on certain artists' styles. Then there was the fantasy section. We both like "A game of thrones" (as L does - during that excursion trip we were talking, one night as we were going to the club. I was holding him to steady myself and we were talking and then he said "Well, recently S lent me a very good book to read, I'm not sure whether you'll have heard it-". "Game of thrones!" I exclaimed. "You know it?" He was surprised. "I've read it. It's very good." But all that is another story.)

  And then I saw The left hand of God and was going to say that it's one of my favourite books, I was actually pointing at it and had opened my mouth to say it when S said, "Oh, that's one of L's favourite series."

  Oh for fuck's sake. I get it, I hang out with your friend but this is ridiculous. You don't have to pop up everywhere. I even looked randomly at a street and it had the same name as your surname. Surely someone, somewhere, must be laughing at me. This can't be a coincidence.

  And then we went to the cafe. I took chocolate and he took coffee.

  As long as we sat there we kept on talking. S is a good guy. A genually good guy. A true gentleman even if he doesn't dress formal.

  Sometimes I wonder why I never fell for him but instead fell for his best friend.

  So this friend of S, K, and his mother had come to Greece from Instabul. S and I were going back when we met his mom and K and his mother. And they were going for souvlaki and they insisted I went with them. K was talk dark and handsome. A nice guy - as far as I could tell. We talked in English - he speaks well though his English were a bit rusty.

  I was allowed to pay for my souvlaki either.

  And then I rushed home and wrote the bloody essay, and finished right on time.

  I had prep school then - five hours.

  And now I'm home and I'm not studying. Today was a good day. I dare say it was a happy day - with the exception of the growing awkwardness between F and me. He is flirting and now I'm feeling uncomfortable. I feel like a whore who led him on. I do have the tendecy to get friendly with people I feel comfortanble. Perhaps too friendly. and this usually happens with people that I want to be friends with.

  Only everytime this happens with a guy this guy falls for me.

  No, they ahave not seen my ugly, insecure, scared side.

  I just want to hope that I'm wrong. I don't want to lose F the way I losed N last year. I need him to remain a friend. I pray to God he's like that with all his female friends - kissing their cheeks and stuff (today I simply drew back and said I didn't want to - sorry, this is getting too much, I felt like crying because I know where all this is going).

  But other than that all was well.