One of the things I have always felt in my life was the impulse to buy a ticket for another country and never return, severing all ties with my past. And when I say everyone I do mean everyone. Even all those people that I love so much that should something happen to them I'm not sure how I'd be able to go on (mom you're one of them in spite of all the anger I have directed to you over the years). I don't know whether that's because I'm lonely or selfish or ungrateful but nevertheless I have dreamed that ever since I can remember myself.
  I've always felt suffocated. Insuficient. Weak. Alone. Try as I might I can't seem to break through that one last feeling. Scarcely does that feeling ever disolve and those moments are few and far in between. And I don't even think it because of others. I think it's me. I seem to be lacking something, someone. And dammit, I can't help this feeling. I feel alone.
  And what I hate is that I'm only 18. I'm only 18, that's too young to feel so alone. People tell me that I'm mature for my age, that I've always been. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. All I know is that I need someone, someone with whom things will be more personal. Someone who will make me feel alive.
  I've actually been thinking a lot lately about that waiter that Ellie got so antagonistic over. I was thinking about it the other day - the fact that I'm thinking of him that is - and was trying to understand the reason why. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because I am bored? Because Ellie acted like that, because my ego won't let go?
  I reached the conclusion that I did it because it's safe. It's safe to think of someone you don't even know, to make scenarios. It's safe because you know they're just that. Scenarios. There is no real person behind those images and therefore nothing to get attached to. Ah, but to know someone, to actually risk getting to know them, to invest so much in that. That's another thing entirely. That could cost you a lot.
  Maybe I'm still a bit sore over that L bussiness after all. I feel so reluctant to even go after someone, let alone fall in love. Even though I miss it terribly, I wonder whether perhaps I still have that romantic image of love in my head or maybe I just don't know what I want. I can't help but wonder, will I ever find that person who will inspire me enough to open up to him?
  I want to make love with someone and then fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
  I don't care about fucking. I may be a virgin but I know that I'm beautiful enough and witty enough (when I want to) to find someone to fuck if I feel like it. Ah but knowing that I can have something as simple as that makes me ache for something that goes way deeper.

Intimacy, contrary to what we may think, is not only in sex scenes. Sometimes it's in the dialogues, when skins are slightly touching or in the way we look each other. That's when complicity rises. That's what most difficult to develop, because in the sex scenes, there is nothing else to do than the movements.
    -Francois Arnaud

Fragments #8

  The shoes pinch my toes. I have to lean against the wall to stand. The theater is a summer one and when looking up you can see the sky. I press myself against the wall and look up at the starry sky as I hear the other actors say their lines and the applause. And then it is my turn to go on the stage. I do the converasation as I am supposed to do. Then, infuriated (as the character of the role I played becomes), I raise my voice high, high enough that nothing moves in the theater, no sound is heard. I shout a cry for union, a cry of despair. At that moment, I am not me, I have become one with the role I played, small as it may have been.
  When I get backstage people tell "Now this was some serious voice. Some serious balls."
  But my knees trembled all the while.

  Later, around 3a.m. we get a cab, S, L and I. Some of the others decided to go back on foot. The driver asks the boys how come we got a taxi and L said "We had the safety of the girl to  mind. We couldn't let her go back home alone."
  It was appreciated.

  I'm looking for some sort of the familiar fluttering in my stomach but there's only an echo of it.

  I hope L remembers to bring me back my keys.

P.S. To Bathwater: Thank you for your comments. I had no way to contact you so I say so here.

Theory #22: Instict never lies.

Always trust your instics. According to researchers, the reason we have it is because it's the best way for our subconscious to warn us about something we have not acknowledged.

My instict was right on Wensday when I had the feeling Tony wouldn't come to rehearsal. He called me to cancel. His grandpa had a stroke. I texted him on Thursday. He said his grandpa is not stable yet.

It was also right about yesterday when L brought his fucking girlfriend with him at the party of a mutual friend. When did he ever even get a girlfriend? She's the first of his girlfriends that took an instant dislike at. They kept kissing and once as they were kissing he lifted her and twirled her around. 
  And nearly landed her on me. It took real zeal on my part to not punch him in the face.

  But on the brightside, I felt nothing when I was told that his girlfriend was coming as well. Nothing. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm not that into him anymore and I just hadn't realised it. Maybe my feelings for him had indeed been a routine after a certain point.
  I had told Annie that this Saturday either something will happen between us or it will end.
  It ended.
  And all I feel is relief. He has a girlfriend now and I have no reason to analyse his every move to understand what the fuck goes on in his head. I can, at last, move on.
  At least I hope so.




  I hope from now on I'll have someone else to write about. 

 

Diary Entry #5

  I haven't spoken with L for a week, even though I did occasionally see him. He didn't speak to me either, except for a "bye", when I left yesterday, after having ignored for some time a question I made and instead speaking with Ire. I was a bit irked but I let it go.
  To be honest I have not spent much time thinking about him this past week. Mostly because I make sure I become busy with something else, therefore I don't think, therefore I don't think about him. And when I don't have something to do I call one of my friends and their endless chattering keeps my thoughts elsewhere occupied. Of course, from time to time they stray towards him and then I harshly bring them back and give them something and ponder over. Like the exams, which I'm failing and I don't really give a fuck about.
  Or mother and how nice she's been lately and how happy with her boyfriend and how good he treats her. I couldn't sleep the other day and I was on the pc and mom was watching a show on tv. I went with her and watched some of it and went back to my bedroom during break. When the break ended she called that it did so. I didn't reallly want to go, I'm not that big a fan of the show but I thought Oh, fuck it. Internet can wait. Really, I just took the change to curl up against her and be close. It's so rare for us to get along. I wish I had more moments like that with mom.
 And papa came back for a few days, now he has to go again but he took me out for lunch yesterday and then for a drink in the afternoon. We'll go out today as well. He won't be back for a month, and I will miss him so so much. He's been calling me every morning before my exam to wish me luck even though he can barely manage to wake up before 9 - he's not a morning person yet he'll call me at 6.30 in the morning when I wake up to wish me luck. And  the night before to tell me not to worry. And when I mess up with the exams he shrugs and say it's ok, it's not the end of the world.
  We were talking yesterday and i learnt that when he was younger he used to have a restaurant with a friend. I had no idea! And he told me some stories about his papa, whom I never had a chance to meet because he died when my papa was still young. There are so many things I don't know about the people I love.
  When I speak with papa he makes me feel as if I can achieve anything I ever want to achieve. He makes me feel like I am this amazing person who is beautiful and smart and kind. He believes in me and he shows it so much that sometimes I feel stronger. Mama is like that too. When she speaks about me, she does so with such confidence that I often wonder why I lack it. I've often been told that I look strong and friendly and confident - how the hell to I manage to give that impression?
  But in sort, the past week has been, I dare say, happy. Quiet. I've been listening to Cure and Nouvelle Vague and been reading book and drawing and organising tips in my head. I've been at peace.
  And that is one of the most precious things in the world.

Theory #21: When a guy tells you about his exes, he's either trying to get a reaction or he's just not that into you. Aka: you've been friendzoned. Big time.

People see what they want to see. That's why everyone has a different perspectives. Ask five different people on the same event, where they were present, and you will get five different opinions. If you combine them what you'll get is a jumbled mess. And out of that you might, just might,  get something that is still somewhere between fiction and reality.
  Thus with the human heart and the human emotions.

  Really, I've been blind. It's not his fault I think it's mine. I just didn't want to accept the truth. So the truth bitchslapped in the face.
  That kind of hurt.

  Today after the exam T, S and L thought about going for a walk. I was the last person leaving so s told me to tag along - seriously, he's such a nice guy it's killing me. I thought I should decline, I felt I'd be the extra, the outsider. and I told them that I might be in the way. You might want to discuss your things. 
  T rolled his eyes and then turned to S and told him in a falsetto voice "Come on darling, let's go discuss our things. Come on Em."
  L was ahead of us talking on the phone.
  And I deeply regret going.
  The whole time I felt unwanted even though S and T kept talking to me. I felt an extra, a baggage. L barely spoke to me. and it got awkward (for me anyway). It was like I wasn't there - like I said, for L. His friends teased me just fine. But that's ok 'cause they're my friends too (not best friends but we do hang out sometimes). We're friends. 
  And after S left - God I thought I might as well escape - T said to me, "Come little one."
  And we walked some some more and L started telling me about his exes and how once he dated an older girl - to whom he had told he was older- and how she figured out he was younger.
  And it was much more relaxed then in the sense that I didn't feel a pariah but I hoped the earth would open up and swallom me whole. Funny thing: that never happens when actually want it to. Never.
  So yeah. I've been friendzoned. Big time. I might as well get used to it. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I have to get over him. Any suggestions?
  Did I mention that I might be seeing him for the biggest part of the summer? Because of a play we're taking part to?
  Oh, it's going to be a long summer. 
 

Fragments #7

For a blog that is called "Emilia's theories" this has very few theories.

Maybe I'll change it to "Fragments and theories"

Friday morning and I am alone. I wake up feeling L next to me, although the closest our bodies have been was when I was crying and he held me. The past few days I cry at night for no particular reason. I press the pillow to me, pretending it's him that holds me. We all need someone to hold us from time to time. And there's usually a particular "someone" we want.

It's Thursday evening and Tony has not come to the tango class. I feel disappointed. I call him afterwards and he calls me back. He says he didn't forget but he was training and because of the bad weather he couldn't reach the port. He'll make it up to me he says. I smile and say it's ok and tell him that they brought some dresses for the show of July.
  "How were they?"
  "They were... um... they were... bad. A lot."
  "Are these the ones you'll wear?"
  "God, no! They were some suggestions," I say as I cross the street.
  He asks me when my exams begin. Monday, I tell him.
  "Well, I'm gonna call you on sunday and wish you luck." I thank him and we don't hang up. We keep talking for a while and the discussion goes to his cats (no idea how that happened). We talk a bit more and then we both sort of have to go.
  "Talk to you soon."

  It's Thursday morning and during tutoring F touches my leg lightly with his hand. It was a signal about something the teacher said but it felt weird. He's been talking to me more now. Not sure that's a good thing. At night, after the tutoring (we had both in the morning and then after 8.30p.m.) F, the rest of the guys in my class and I order pizzas and beers. We all tease each other, in the comfortable way friends do. (We just hang out well that's all).
  Then later F texts me "If I insulted you, I'm sorry I got carried away having fun... You're not mad, are you?"
  I call him and ask what the hell he's talking about and he says nothing, it's just that sometimes he gets carried away and says bullshit.
  I think now he was referring to how he and M were teasing me about the unfeminine way I said something the other day. I was sleepless and not very graceful. My only answer to them was "I'm feminine only when it matters. And with those that I want to be."

  Wensday noon. We throw a surprise party at girl for her birthday over at her place, us the kids from the theatrical team. I ask a guy if the told L. He comes to me panicking few minutes later and tells me they forgot then proceeds to call him. He says he can come.
  I can be so sly when I want to.
  He came afterwards. He was with K at the kitchen and they were discussing about the upcoming exams. K left afterwards then Chris came for some water, along with this girl M. We somehow discussed height and M said that basketball has nothing to do with getting taller. She used to play and yet she's short. Chris and L joked about whether she was sure she was playing basketball and not football.
  "You know," I said as I poured water, "we're not experts but I think we can discern one sport from the other."
  "Very well," L told me, "What's offsite?"
  "Oh for fuck's sake you and the offsite. Why does everybody ask me that?" L laught and at that moment I was happy. Chris started explaining to me what offsite is and L left the kitchen, first squeezing my shoulder a bit as he walked by.

  I was sitting next to that girl, Dimi, who's L's friend, and we were talking. Before leaving L came and sat on her lap. They hugged and all the time he kept making funny faces at me.
  What's wrong with my taste in men?
  After he left I got out, at the balcony, passed by Chris and some other boy and went to the end of the balcony. I watched until his figure was out of sight. I then stayed there, feeling a soft breeze on my face. At that time I wanted to smoke. I don't even like smoking.
  After a while I saw Chris coming over.
  "Why are you sitting here alone?"
  "Too much noise inside."
  After that we talked for some time. About his dreams, about mine. Our families. Some guys called us, asked us what we were doing. Talking what does it look like? Chris's a cool guy. We kept talking and at some point people came to collect us. We're going out for drinks after the exams.
  Ire likes him. And she's definatelly coming with us for drinks.

  It's Thuesday night and I've come to collect Ire from her tutoring. L comes out along her and plays a bit with my dog. I hug Ire and beg her to come to school the following day.
  "It's the last day of classes! Our last day as students!"
  "Last day?" L asks.
  "As far as I know."
  "Maybe I'll come then."
  "Oh yes, do!" I reply enthusiastically, still holding Ire.

  The following day he came.

Fragments #6

It's Friday Night. Past midnight, I lay on my bed. The bedside lamp is on and a yellowy glow fills the room. Amy Winehouse is playing on my pc, softly. My limbs feel sore and stiff, I forgot to stretch after I played basketball during Physics class - I obviously diched the class. My cellphone is next to my ear on the bed and I'm speaking with Annie. she's reading to me some of the texts T has been sending her. It seems to me that he likes her but doesn't dare to say so outright.
  I'm trying not to think of L and I fail so I sip my wine instead. I feel lonely and tired and sad. I'm sleepy and my body feels heavy. I exchange goodbyes with Annie and go to sleep but to no avail. Sleep has abandoned me. I twist and turn on my bed trying, hoping, to lose consiousness. I decide to text Ellie.
  "Insomnia fucking sucks. Just saying." I type and then press send. And realise than I accidentally texted L instead of Ellie. I bite my lip to keep from screaming - mother is sleeping next door - and prey to God that he is asleep.
  He's not. "Huh?" comes the answer.
  I apologise quickly, explain that phones with a touch-screen are really stupid and text him goodnight.
  "Ok
  Goodinght!"
  comes the answer. I put the phone on my nightstand, turn around and fall asleep.

  It's Thurdsay and I'm at my tango class. My dance partner, Tony has his right hand around my waist and holds me firmly as we swirl on the floor and I fall agaist him as I'm supposed to do - thanks choreography - and re-assures me when I make mistakes. When we talk he makes me laugh and when we dance I blush (though not as much as I did at first). He even makes the thought of L go away for a while (to forget him completely is impossible) and he makes me laugh. Sometimes it's difficult, I wonder what it would feel like to kiss him, tango is difficult when you're lonely. He's 23 and I'm 18. The rest in the group are around 40.
  They calls us "the little ones".

It's Wensday night and I'm coming back from tutoring. And suddenly I bump into L. We talk for a while, he says he won't come to school again until the Exams, I tell him that I'll go on Thursday. It's late and I tell him "Well, goodnight then, I wouldn't like to keep you." He shrugs as if he's not tired and wants to go home. Afterwards I'm both sad and happy. Such a weird sensation.
  On Friday morning I learn that he went to school on Thursday.