One of the things I have always felt in my life was the impulse to buy a ticket for another country and never return, severing all ties with my past. And when I say everyone I do mean everyone. Even all those people that I love so much that should something happen to them I'm not sure how I'd be able to go on (mom you're one of them in spite of all the anger I have directed to you over the years). I don't know whether that's because I'm lonely or selfish or ungrateful but nevertheless I have dreamed that ever since I can remember myself.
  I've always felt suffocated. Insuficient. Weak. Alone. Try as I might I can't seem to break through that one last feeling. Scarcely does that feeling ever disolve and those moments are few and far in between. And I don't even think it because of others. I think it's me. I seem to be lacking something, someone. And dammit, I can't help this feeling. I feel alone.
  And what I hate is that I'm only 18. I'm only 18, that's too young to feel so alone. People tell me that I'm mature for my age, that I've always been. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. All I know is that I need someone, someone with whom things will be more personal. Someone who will make me feel alive.
  I've actually been thinking a lot lately about that waiter that Ellie got so antagonistic over. I was thinking about it the other day - the fact that I'm thinking of him that is - and was trying to understand the reason why. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because I am bored? Because Ellie acted like that, because my ego won't let go?
  I reached the conclusion that I did it because it's safe. It's safe to think of someone you don't even know, to make scenarios. It's safe because you know they're just that. Scenarios. There is no real person behind those images and therefore nothing to get attached to. Ah, but to know someone, to actually risk getting to know them, to invest so much in that. That's another thing entirely. That could cost you a lot.
  Maybe I'm still a bit sore over that L bussiness after all. I feel so reluctant to even go after someone, let alone fall in love. Even though I miss it terribly, I wonder whether perhaps I still have that romantic image of love in my head or maybe I just don't know what I want. I can't help but wonder, will I ever find that person who will inspire me enough to open up to him?
  I want to make love with someone and then fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
  I don't care about fucking. I may be a virgin but I know that I'm beautiful enough and witty enough (when I want to) to find someone to fuck if I feel like it. Ah but knowing that I can have something as simple as that makes me ache for something that goes way deeper.

Intimacy, contrary to what we may think, is not only in sex scenes. Sometimes it's in the dialogues, when skins are slightly touching or in the way we look each other. That's when complicity rises. That's what most difficult to develop, because in the sex scenes, there is nothing else to do than the movements.
    -Francois Arnaud