Tony

  I'm not even sure why I feel the need to talk about him at the moment, at 6.30 in the morning but I do and so I will. This is, after all, the place where I can just sort of spill everything that comes to my head.
  I have not talked with Tony since I returned from New York, with the exception of one brief conversation we had right after I returned. But the last time we really did talk was some time before that. And for the record, when I say "really talk" I mean something more than just:
  "Hey how are you?"
  "I'm good, you?"
  "Me too".
  Those kinds of conversation started right after those exams I had in September. Don't get me wrong, we said those stuff before, but it was more like a part of the conversation not the conversation all by itself. And the thing is all the last times we talked I had initiated the "conversation". With the exception of the message he sent me once I reach New York.
  It was line, one word and it read like that: "Welcome." I messaged back and he never got round to answering.
  And, ok, I'll admit, I was hurt. One might say that I had no right in the sense that, well, nothing happened between us after all so it's not like there were matters to settle and besides that, one might add that I could have tried harder.
  And for the past week we're both online at Skype at the same time and we both get the notification that the other is online - not sure why I notice it or if he does - and it's just... it's bothering me. It's selfish and I have no right and I know that but still... he bothers me. Every day. Not all the time but every day.
  And I still get that feeling when you live a moment and in your head you think "Oh, I should remember to tell him this or that." And it's freaking annoying me because I'm not sure whether I'm doing that because I am really, truly, genually interested or simply because I want to fall in love and finally, finally get to see what a relationship is like, trying to connect with someone is like and generally because I'm lonely. Or a selfish bitch who can't take a blow to her ego. Pick whatever.
  So I'm choosing to stay away for the mere reason that I'm not sure whether Tony is a person of interest or a boredom scapegoat.
  And I don't want to be the kind of person that keeps people as "options".

  Even if I may be one.