Diary Entry #5

  I haven't spoken with L for a week, even though I did occasionally see him. He didn't speak to me either, except for a "bye", when I left yesterday, after having ignored for some time a question I made and instead speaking with Ire. I was a bit irked but I let it go.
  To be honest I have not spent much time thinking about him this past week. Mostly because I make sure I become busy with something else, therefore I don't think, therefore I don't think about him. And when I don't have something to do I call one of my friends and their endless chattering keeps my thoughts elsewhere occupied. Of course, from time to time they stray towards him and then I harshly bring them back and give them something and ponder over. Like the exams, which I'm failing and I don't really give a fuck about.
  Or mother and how nice she's been lately and how happy with her boyfriend and how good he treats her. I couldn't sleep the other day and I was on the pc and mom was watching a show on tv. I went with her and watched some of it and went back to my bedroom during break. When the break ended she called that it did so. I didn't reallly want to go, I'm not that big a fan of the show but I thought Oh, fuck it. Internet can wait. Really, I just took the change to curl up against her and be close. It's so rare for us to get along. I wish I had more moments like that with mom.
 And papa came back for a few days, now he has to go again but he took me out for lunch yesterday and then for a drink in the afternoon. We'll go out today as well. He won't be back for a month, and I will miss him so so much. He's been calling me every morning before my exam to wish me luck even though he can barely manage to wake up before 9 - he's not a morning person yet he'll call me at 6.30 in the morning when I wake up to wish me luck. And  the night before to tell me not to worry. And when I mess up with the exams he shrugs and say it's ok, it's not the end of the world.
  We were talking yesterday and i learnt that when he was younger he used to have a restaurant with a friend. I had no idea! And he told me some stories about his papa, whom I never had a chance to meet because he died when my papa was still young. There are so many things I don't know about the people I love.
  When I speak with papa he makes me feel as if I can achieve anything I ever want to achieve. He makes me feel like I am this amazing person who is beautiful and smart and kind. He believes in me and he shows it so much that sometimes I feel stronger. Mama is like that too. When she speaks about me, she does so with such confidence that I often wonder why I lack it. I've often been told that I look strong and friendly and confident - how the hell to I manage to give that impression?
  But in sort, the past week has been, I dare say, happy. Quiet. I've been listening to Cure and Nouvelle Vague and been reading book and drawing and organising tips in my head. I've been at peace.
  And that is one of the most precious things in the world.