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   There days when it gets difficult to remember who you are or what you want or why. I find myself often in such days and the past two years have intensified that feeling. On such days I find it most beneficial to seclude myself from outside noise - I suppose the one good thing about moving here is that there are much fewer people living in the neighborhood and noise has reduced quite a lot. 

  Nonetheless, I do wonder whether I have grown to become neurotic. On my down days I have difficulty doing the simplest of things, completing the tasks that I know down the line will bring the rewards to me, not only physically but also mentally. In a way I suppose it's self-punishing myself.

  Almost everyone asks me when am I coming back. I give vague answers though in my head it has become clearer now that I will not stay here long either, When I first came I worried that I would get stuck here forever and be unable to move away, stuck in the money that is better from my home country but with all the disadvantages my old life had. But now I know a year here will prove to be a miracle, I know for a fact I might not even stay that long. And the fact that I feel even that I have enough power to do that makes me breathe a bit better some days. 

  Hope is an odd little thing, is it not? Except I am not sure whether it's hope exactly. Just certainty I suppose that I will try to play whatever cards I am dealt with in the best possible way. And to hell with it. 

  That's what I think whenever I low, very low, as I am today. 

  To hell with it.