Theory #14: We do stupid things even though we know they're stupid.

Sometimes mistakes are made. Some by accident, other on purpose, and others belong in a special category: that of mistakes that we made, while knowing they were mistakes but hoping that they would not turn out to be so.

  In truth, it is completely and utterly my fault. I should not have invited him over for that cup of hot chocolate. Even if I want to pretend that we're still friends, that's not the way things work, it's only how I wish they did. But other than that we keep up the charade. 
  In front of others it appears. 
  Annie had told me that it was ok, that his feelings for me were probably not so strong. That I had been an infatuation. And though it hurt a bit - because who doesn't want to be loved, even by someone they don't love back that way - I had agreed wholeheartedly and readily. I had even believed it.
  More fool I. 
  There was awkwardness, even though we laughed a lot. He played with my dog, though my dog's motives were not as noble as his were.
  And when he left I said jockingly "Jack, why are you leaving me? That's what my dog would say if he could speak." And he looked at me and I felt my throat tighten and added "You're supposed to be looking at my dog."
  "I'm not looking at the dog," he shot back then waved goodbye and left.
  Sometimes I feel like such a horrible selfish whore. I did not want to lead him on. Why the fuck do I always, always mess things up? 
  I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't be anything more than friends with you.
  I'm not sure whether we truly are friends anymore...

 
  I promise I won't repeat this mistake again. I cannot bear to use you at all.