Diary Entry #5

  I haven't spoken with L for a week, even though I did occasionally see him. He didn't speak to me either, except for a "bye", when I left yesterday, after having ignored for some time a question I made and instead speaking with Ire. I was a bit irked but I let it go.
  To be honest I have not spent much time thinking about him this past week. Mostly because I make sure I become busy with something else, therefore I don't think, therefore I don't think about him. And when I don't have something to do I call one of my friends and their endless chattering keeps my thoughts elsewhere occupied. Of course, from time to time they stray towards him and then I harshly bring them back and give them something and ponder over. Like the exams, which I'm failing and I don't really give a fuck about.
  Or mother and how nice she's been lately and how happy with her boyfriend and how good he treats her. I couldn't sleep the other day and I was on the pc and mom was watching a show on tv. I went with her and watched some of it and went back to my bedroom during break. When the break ended she called that it did so. I didn't reallly want to go, I'm not that big a fan of the show but I thought Oh, fuck it. Internet can wait. Really, I just took the change to curl up against her and be close. It's so rare for us to get along. I wish I had more moments like that with mom.
 And papa came back for a few days, now he has to go again but he took me out for lunch yesterday and then for a drink in the afternoon. We'll go out today as well. He won't be back for a month, and I will miss him so so much. He's been calling me every morning before my exam to wish me luck even though he can barely manage to wake up before 9 - he's not a morning person yet he'll call me at 6.30 in the morning when I wake up to wish me luck. And  the night before to tell me not to worry. And when I mess up with the exams he shrugs and say it's ok, it's not the end of the world.
  We were talking yesterday and i learnt that when he was younger he used to have a restaurant with a friend. I had no idea! And he told me some stories about his papa, whom I never had a chance to meet because he died when my papa was still young. There are so many things I don't know about the people I love.
  When I speak with papa he makes me feel as if I can achieve anything I ever want to achieve. He makes me feel like I am this amazing person who is beautiful and smart and kind. He believes in me and he shows it so much that sometimes I feel stronger. Mama is like that too. When she speaks about me, she does so with such confidence that I often wonder why I lack it. I've often been told that I look strong and friendly and confident - how the hell to I manage to give that impression?
  But in sort, the past week has been, I dare say, happy. Quiet. I've been listening to Cure and Nouvelle Vague and been reading book and drawing and organising tips in my head. I've been at peace.
  And that is one of the most precious things in the world.

Theory #21: When a guy tells you about his exes, he's either trying to get a reaction or he's just not that into you. Aka: you've been friendzoned. Big time.

People see what they want to see. That's why everyone has a different perspectives. Ask five different people on the same event, where they were present, and you will get five different opinions. If you combine them what you'll get is a jumbled mess. And out of that you might, just might,  get something that is still somewhere between fiction and reality.
  Thus with the human heart and the human emotions.

  Really, I've been blind. It's not his fault I think it's mine. I just didn't want to accept the truth. So the truth bitchslapped in the face.
  That kind of hurt.

  Today after the exam T, S and L thought about going for a walk. I was the last person leaving so s told me to tag along - seriously, he's such a nice guy it's killing me. I thought I should decline, I felt I'd be the extra, the outsider. and I told them that I might be in the way. You might want to discuss your things. 
  T rolled his eyes and then turned to S and told him in a falsetto voice "Come on darling, let's go discuss our things. Come on Em."
  L was ahead of us talking on the phone.
  And I deeply regret going.
  The whole time I felt unwanted even though S and T kept talking to me. I felt an extra, a baggage. L barely spoke to me. and it got awkward (for me anyway). It was like I wasn't there - like I said, for L. His friends teased me just fine. But that's ok 'cause they're my friends too (not best friends but we do hang out sometimes). We're friends. 
  And after S left - God I thought I might as well escape - T said to me, "Come little one."
  And we walked some some more and L started telling me about his exes and how once he dated an older girl - to whom he had told he was older- and how she figured out he was younger.
  And it was much more relaxed then in the sense that I didn't feel a pariah but I hoped the earth would open up and swallom me whole. Funny thing: that never happens when actually want it to. Never.
  So yeah. I've been friendzoned. Big time. I might as well get used to it. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I have to get over him. Any suggestions?
  Did I mention that I might be seeing him for the biggest part of the summer? Because of a play we're taking part to?
  Oh, it's going to be a long summer. 
 

Fragments #7

For a blog that is called "Emilia's theories" this has very few theories.

Maybe I'll change it to "Fragments and theories"

Friday morning and I am alone. I wake up feeling L next to me, although the closest our bodies have been was when I was crying and he held me. The past few days I cry at night for no particular reason. I press the pillow to me, pretending it's him that holds me. We all need someone to hold us from time to time. And there's usually a particular "someone" we want.

It's Thursday evening and Tony has not come to the tango class. I feel disappointed. I call him afterwards and he calls me back. He says he didn't forget but he was training and because of the bad weather he couldn't reach the port. He'll make it up to me he says. I smile and say it's ok and tell him that they brought some dresses for the show of July.
  "How were they?"
  "They were... um... they were... bad. A lot."
  "Are these the ones you'll wear?"
  "God, no! They were some suggestions," I say as I cross the street.
  He asks me when my exams begin. Monday, I tell him.
  "Well, I'm gonna call you on sunday and wish you luck." I thank him and we don't hang up. We keep talking for a while and the discussion goes to his cats (no idea how that happened). We talk a bit more and then we both sort of have to go.
  "Talk to you soon."

  It's Thursday morning and during tutoring F touches my leg lightly with his hand. It was a signal about something the teacher said but it felt weird. He's been talking to me more now. Not sure that's a good thing. At night, after the tutoring (we had both in the morning and then after 8.30p.m.) F, the rest of the guys in my class and I order pizzas and beers. We all tease each other, in the comfortable way friends do. (We just hang out well that's all).
  Then later F texts me "If I insulted you, I'm sorry I got carried away having fun... You're not mad, are you?"
  I call him and ask what the hell he's talking about and he says nothing, it's just that sometimes he gets carried away and says bullshit.
  I think now he was referring to how he and M were teasing me about the unfeminine way I said something the other day. I was sleepless and not very graceful. My only answer to them was "I'm feminine only when it matters. And with those that I want to be."

  Wensday noon. We throw a surprise party at girl for her birthday over at her place, us the kids from the theatrical team. I ask a guy if the told L. He comes to me panicking few minutes later and tells me they forgot then proceeds to call him. He says he can come.
  I can be so sly when I want to.
  He came afterwards. He was with K at the kitchen and they were discussing about the upcoming exams. K left afterwards then Chris came for some water, along with this girl M. We somehow discussed height and M said that basketball has nothing to do with getting taller. She used to play and yet she's short. Chris and L joked about whether she was sure she was playing basketball and not football.
  "You know," I said as I poured water, "we're not experts but I think we can discern one sport from the other."
  "Very well," L told me, "What's offsite?"
  "Oh for fuck's sake you and the offsite. Why does everybody ask me that?" L laught and at that moment I was happy. Chris started explaining to me what offsite is and L left the kitchen, first squeezing my shoulder a bit as he walked by.

  I was sitting next to that girl, Dimi, who's L's friend, and we were talking. Before leaving L came and sat on her lap. They hugged and all the time he kept making funny faces at me.
  What's wrong with my taste in men?
  After he left I got out, at the balcony, passed by Chris and some other boy and went to the end of the balcony. I watched until his figure was out of sight. I then stayed there, feeling a soft breeze on my face. At that time I wanted to smoke. I don't even like smoking.
  After a while I saw Chris coming over.
  "Why are you sitting here alone?"
  "Too much noise inside."
  After that we talked for some time. About his dreams, about mine. Our families. Some guys called us, asked us what we were doing. Talking what does it look like? Chris's a cool guy. We kept talking and at some point people came to collect us. We're going out for drinks after the exams.
  Ire likes him. And she's definatelly coming with us for drinks.

  It's Thuesday night and I've come to collect Ire from her tutoring. L comes out along her and plays a bit with my dog. I hug Ire and beg her to come to school the following day.
  "It's the last day of classes! Our last day as students!"
  "Last day?" L asks.
  "As far as I know."
  "Maybe I'll come then."
  "Oh yes, do!" I reply enthusiastically, still holding Ire.

  The following day he came.

Fragments #6

It's Friday Night. Past midnight, I lay on my bed. The bedside lamp is on and a yellowy glow fills the room. Amy Winehouse is playing on my pc, softly. My limbs feel sore and stiff, I forgot to stretch after I played basketball during Physics class - I obviously diched the class. My cellphone is next to my ear on the bed and I'm speaking with Annie. she's reading to me some of the texts T has been sending her. It seems to me that he likes her but doesn't dare to say so outright.
  I'm trying not to think of L and I fail so I sip my wine instead. I feel lonely and tired and sad. I'm sleepy and my body feels heavy. I exchange goodbyes with Annie and go to sleep but to no avail. Sleep has abandoned me. I twist and turn on my bed trying, hoping, to lose consiousness. I decide to text Ellie.
  "Insomnia fucking sucks. Just saying." I type and then press send. And realise than I accidentally texted L instead of Ellie. I bite my lip to keep from screaming - mother is sleeping next door - and prey to God that he is asleep.
  He's not. "Huh?" comes the answer.
  I apologise quickly, explain that phones with a touch-screen are really stupid and text him goodnight.
  "Ok
  Goodinght!"
  comes the answer. I put the phone on my nightstand, turn around and fall asleep.

  It's Thurdsay and I'm at my tango class. My dance partner, Tony has his right hand around my waist and holds me firmly as we swirl on the floor and I fall agaist him as I'm supposed to do - thanks choreography - and re-assures me when I make mistakes. When we talk he makes me laugh and when we dance I blush (though not as much as I did at first). He even makes the thought of L go away for a while (to forget him completely is impossible) and he makes me laugh. Sometimes it's difficult, I wonder what it would feel like to kiss him, tango is difficult when you're lonely. He's 23 and I'm 18. The rest in the group are around 40.
  They calls us "the little ones".

It's Wensday night and I'm coming back from tutoring. And suddenly I bump into L. We talk for a while, he says he won't come to school again until the Exams, I tell him that I'll go on Thursday. It's late and I tell him "Well, goodnight then, I wouldn't like to keep you." He shrugs as if he's not tired and wants to go home. Afterwards I'm both sad and happy. Such a weird sensation.
  On Friday morning I learn that he went to school on Thursday.

Oh, and something else.

You're offline, I want you to be online.
I take the dog out for ten minutes and you manage to log in, like photos, comment and log off.
Then you log in and I'm staring at your photo intently telling you to log off (I'm not ok).
Then some random guy I used to like years ago (he liked me back I think) sends me a message on Facebook.
What does my life want from me?

Theory #20: Apparently there a certain amount of "friendly" you can be before people start thinking you're in love with them.

You have to keep a certain distance, there are boundaries that should never be crossed. Turns out that if you're friendly with someone from the opposite sex they think you fancy them.
  Apperantly there can be no friendship between guys and girls.


I'm annoyed. Really. I was talking with Annie on the phone not so long ago. Lately she's been texting with T, L's best friend. Now I'm friends with T. I'm a rather demonstrative person and so I tease him and it's actually kind of funny because as a character he's very guarded and doesn't open up easily. He has actually admitted though that we're friends, not so much to me but rather to other people which made me very happy because all this time I thought that to him I was just this annoying classmate who like's his best friend and he just has to tolerate.
  Yes well, now it turns out he thought I also liked him. In fact, texting with Annie yesterday he told her that he felt kind of awkward in the sense that I'm his freiend and he's not sure how to handle it if that is true.
  Now, why am I annoyed?
  I am annoyed, not because he thought I might like him (I mean, he's a nice guy) but because this is how I am. When I feel close with someone, that we're friends, I immediatelly feel free to sort of be myself with them. I expect them not to think too much of it. Whereas with people I don't feel comfortable with, or people I like, I'm always guarded, I don't tease them much, simply because I don't feel that sort of friendly intimacy with them.
  So, where does this leave me?
  Oh, I will act as I always do but nevertheless I'm left wondering. Can aboy and girl not have a friendship? Or can they be as long as there are certain boundaries, certain walls that must not be crossed? Is there some rulebook about relationships that I was not informed about? Am I supposed to be overly friendly only with my female friends while with the male friends I must keep them at a certain distance?
  Humans confuse me as time goes by.
  Also, Annie said that L probably thinks I like T as well. That perhaps that why he's speaking more freely now or he's not making a move (depends on how he feels). Great, that's just great. Why do things get complicated all on their own?