Theory #18: Being in (unrequited) love doesn't get easier

You simply adapt to a reality where you're near the object of your emotions and so far away at the same moment.

  I was at the hospital in the morning, just a check-up, nothing serious. It has nothing to do with sickness. Just something I had to do every six months for the past years. Today was the last time. No need to worry.

  Afterwards I had an option: go to school for the last two classes of the day or stay home. With mum. And because I had a headache I preferred to leave home. Only as I was on my way to school I passed outside of the public library. And suddenly my copy of  "The Midnight Palace" by C.R.Z. seemed to burn in my backpack. The library, I thought, what better place than that to find peace? And so I turned and went in. Straight to the third floor. I found a sit so that I could look out the window, same seat I've been using lately whenever I skip school. I've even made a sketch of it. 

  So I placed my things on my corner and took out my book and started reading. And then I finished it. I checked the watch and saw that the your last class would end in 15 minutes. I had already chosen a few books to flip through, what harm could it do to stay a bit more? 

  I wondered whether you would come after school. I knew that sometimes you did. 

  My back was at the door and I was lost in an account of how the Sumerians dressed (I had chosen a small tome on the history of costume). I heard the door open and close a few times but it  hadn't been you - as far as I could hear - so I my nerves calmed down and I relaxed. And then I realised that someone is standing about a meter and a half from where I was sitting on my right and I looked up and sure enough there you were. And it was like someone had kicked my heart and the clouds had parted and the sun shined all at once.(I've writen you before that it is not normal for me to feel so much for you).

  And you were just... you were just sitting there. You had been watching me for a few seconds, your head tilted slightly, a small smile on your lips. (Did you guess I was there for you? shit.) And then T - your best friend - popped out of nowhere and said "Emilia reading a book? No waaaay." (Yeah, ok, we all know I'm a bookworm). And I stuck my tongue at the two of you. And we just said hi and then you just turned and left and sat in the table next to mine - only as I was leaving did I notice that I could see you and you could see me from where you sat. I thought I had seen you looking once but then again it could have been just me. 

  I know I make it sound like it lasted aeons but it was only a moment.

  So I went back to my volume and for an hour we read (you studied I think) in silence. And then I had to leave (well I didn't but after 60 minutes in the same room with you I was tempted to start intruding in your silence). So I got up, placed back all the books and told you guys "See you tomorrow." And I know I smiled but inwardly I heaved a sigh.

  I wanted to kiss you so. badly.

  Yesterday night I saw you. After you were done with prep school. The weather was slightly chilly and you wore no jacket just a tee. you hadn't come at school and my heart contrited in my chest.
  "You'll catch a cold like that," I told you.
  "I'm going for a run," you said. 
  "At this time?"
  "It's the only time I can spare." 
  I'll be honest. I was worried whether you would make it home safe. Silly I know but it was already near 11p.m. 

  And then the image of you from when I had seen you last summer when you had gone with S for running came to mind. You were wearing a black shirtless shirt and your strong arms were covered in sweat.

This is not getting any easier.

Fragments #3

We were going back from school, Annie, E and his best friend (one of the two). We had finished school early. And I was telling L's best friend "Send a text to T, we should tease him." (T is his other best friend.) And S laughed and took out his cell.

  "I'll text L because whenever he gets off early he rubs in the fact I'm still at school. i'll send him something along the lines of 'Guess where I am, over at your girl's place'." And we all fell silent 'cause last November (in 2010) I told you I liked you and we all knew that. I think S realised a tad bit too late what he said because in truth he was taking me home (we usually do that since we live near) and obviously I'm not your girl. 

  You have a girl?

  I think you don't.

  

  This girl was wearing your jacket today and while I was speaking with Annie she came next to me and blew me a kiss. We were in the same theatrical play and she's a nice and friendly person. I nearly turned green when I saw her wearing your jacket.

  "You will only get over your feelings for him once you come to terms with them and all the anger they 'cause you," Marcie said yesterday. The milk she served me tasted good especially along with the cinnamon cookied her mother baked.

  We haven't talked since since Wensday. I miss him even though I see him.

Fragments #2

Past midnight, last night, Ellie and I sitting on a bench in the square with a shared beer can. We sometimes do that. "You know," she said, "I'm your friend and that's why I tell you this but, he's just not into you. If he really were, he'd make an actual move. Now, he's just flirting."
  "I know," I said and drank some beer. "And if I had any form of self-preservation - emotional that is - I'd get it in my head and I'd get him out off my heart."
  The night was still around us.

I was supposed to write an essay last night. I have to go and hand it in today at some point. Instead I got up at noon and put the music and did some little chores around the house.

I still log on Fb hoping he will be online. Not that we'd chat but it's nice to know he's there and not somewhere else having fun with his friends. Or some girl.
  Who's the lonely soul now?

Theory #17: You can't be friends with someone you've fallen in love with

Because everytime you talk or he randomly touches you, you'll never take it as a friendly sign.

  Yesterday feels a bit like a dream. The play was up. Being backstage, fussing over everyone, making sure they were dressed and make-uped in time. Hearing the clapping of the audience through the curtain that hid the backstage from them. Everything that could possibly go wrong going - things falling or breaking, small crises. And when I touched my head in tiredness you patting my head as you passed by. It was such a warm gesture. As if you were trying to tell me that everything was ok, we had everything under control. 

  And you calmed me down at that moment, you gave me strenght. 

  When that girl was trying to help you dress and somebody called her and she asked me to help you dress. It was almost ironic how perfectly we synchronised. I buttoned up your shirt and was the trying to put those suspenders in place while you were tugging your pants upwards in order to  button them up. Or when you asked me a moment later whether I had put on you the suspenders. And I said yes and at that moment, that moment, one of them snapped and I sort of grabbed you and turned you around, catching the suspender and placing it back in place, cussing under my breath. And you found it so funny, my cussing. And then you went up the stairs and I was going to go down the stairs when you called me again and asked for a hat. I just grabbed a hat and threw it at you and you immediatelly caught it. You always catch what I throw at you, like that water I offered you. 

  And I also remember when you came down from the stage to take Mrs. L up and E and then you tugged me along, your hand on my waist. And when I nearly lost my balance going up the stage stairs you hand was there again, balancing me and pushing me slightly forward. 

  I still can't believe you changed in front of me. 

  Damn I wanted to kiss you.

  I'm sorry but I can't be friends. If that's all we'll ever be than I'd rather not see you again. You give me too many emotions to be just a friend. 

Tuesday, 6th of March 2012

 Dear L,

I'm tired of your face, of your stupid fucking voice, I'm tired of looking at  you, of you touching me (for small insignificant things like to tell me that you're leaving - not that we ever touch for any other reason), I'm tired of joking with you, of creating memories with you that only ever matter to me. I'm tired of my emotions for you, of your lack of emotions towards me, I'm tired of being friends or whatever the fuck it is that we are now. (I think we're friends sort of?)
 I'm tired of you.
 No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, that's a lie.
 I'm tired of me.

Emilia

Wensday, 29th of February 2012

Dear F,

   I'm so sorry. I think I'm fucking with your mind. I think I'm fucking with my mind. In all honesty I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing. To you or to me. I wonder if you know.
  I do not want to say it. I know that I like you, that much is undeniable, but the fact remains that in the late hours of night and the early ones of the morning it's him I think about. Sometimes though you shyly take his place. But very rarely, usually when I wonder what I feel for you.
  I can't deny the shared smiles, the knowing glances when we share a private joke or a certain intimacy. And the thought of those moments makes my heart constricts. I'm complicating things I know I am. I'm so sorry.
  Please don't like me. I'll hurt you. It's one thing to fuck my emotions up and another entirely to do that to you. Stop coming so close you might get to know me much better that I can stand. More than you can stand.
  Isn't it safer better to remain friends.

  Sorry,
   Emilia

Fragments #1

There it was again: that conversation.
"My problem is," J said, "she doesn't want to get over him." I rolled my eyes and sipped my beer. But I did. I did want to get over him.
  "You don't understand," Ellie stepped in defending me, "not everyone works the way you do."
  "Oh, come on Ellie, it's her choice. She chooses this situation, that's what annoying me."
  I kept on drinking, pretending I didn't hear, wondering whether any other of the clients in the bar had heard. At some point I had had enough. "J stop. I'm in love with this guy, ok? Doesn't matter whether he deserves it or not, that's the truth."
  "Bullshit Emilia, that's bullshit. You're not in love with that guy."
  How would you know? I wanted to ask but I bit my tongue. You've never been in love. All you've ever done is toy with those people's emotions. And one day you'll fall in love and then you'll understand.
  "Shut up J! For fuck's sake you don't know what's going on in people's head alright?" Ellie defended me.
  I sipped my beer. "J leave me alone. What you say is true, to some point. And I could, if I wanted to, to get with another guy, even just for fun, but I just don't operate like that. At some point, my point, I'll get over him and that's the end of that."
 

  At that moment, all I wanted to do is smoke. It's a bit ridiculous, I don't even smoke. I've tried it and didn't like it. But sometimes my fingers tremble with the need to hold a cigarette. I don't like the stale taste it leaves to my mouth. But I still kind of miss the burning in my lungs and throat.
  At least then something else burns rather than my heart.

  My emotions have been on a roller coaster lately. The other day he was going over my skeches when he came accross of that one, the drawing of a shirtless guy. I had done it very well actually. It even looked like the person I used as a model. He paused for a moment. I didn't see his expression.
  Did you feel any jealousy, I wonder? I hope you did.