Ways to self-destruct

The way to self-destruct
is to live two parallel lives
and let the one overwhelm
the other
Where you let the imagined freedom
catch your reality by the throat
and bleed into it,
just to point out
all the ways
it drowns you.

Of course
sometimes
the ways you self-destruct
reach out a hand
that grabs
and saves you.

I am
for I chose
small, eroding, self-destructions
over eradication.

Your arm

It came to me unexpected
while out with friends,
the sudden image
of your hand
circling around my waist
under the bedcovers.

It was so real I felt
the sensation of your arm
against my skin
and I was flooded
by the presence of you,
sometimes your existence
overcomes me.

And I was so ready
to touch
that I wanted to reach
within the gaps between us
and somehow bridge
the light-years of seperation.

Measurements

Sometimes I forget how to measure time.
It used to be
from song to song
and now it's closer to
disaster from disaster.

Sometimes I forget how to measure space
It used to be
from step to step.
Now it seems to be from
Imminent danger to danger passed
to danger transformed
to danger carried out.

Sometimes I forget how to measure people.
It used to be from tender touch to tender touch,
from value to value.
Now I no longer know
how to measure myself,
let alone others.

Sometimes each person feels
like a potential black hole.

Future plans

For the first time
I felt the need
to put a piece of you,
the piece with my heart,
in all that I do
the gestures of all that I am,
to honour you
and also let you go.
Like an exorcism
only I am able to perform
to set free
all that I hold.

I've put in motion
every piece of me
and a new plan has evolved
so that we don't often meet.
I only hope,
though I crave you still,
that if I keep cutting
somehow
somehow
it will not pain me more
to never have the chance
your presence in my life to keep.
I cut
and cut away
hoping that no connection will be left
though the silence suffocates in its grip
and I want to tell you all
but you have other problems to resolve
and I dare not
burden you
furthermore.

Waves

Last time
you asked me
How are you and I said
Hey I'm fine, you?
But I wanted to say really,
You'd better not fall for me
'cause I am fine and well
when I am in the sunshine
but inside I am made-up of storms
and no sailor ever reaches the shore
and I can promise nothing but
that I will break your heart.

And hear me now
I know there will be a ceiling you will reach
For I recognise the lovers
from a mile away each
and there is the burning in the heart
and the earthquake in the ribs
that only being close brings.

I have tried and failed
and failed again
to move those tremors from my heart and limbs
to place them nearer to others
closer physically
but try as I might I can't deny
That I don't feel
for you the tidal wave
I feel
swiping at my knees
the moment I lay my eyes on him.

Let the goldfish

Let it

Let that sink in

Let the goldfish do their thing

Let the water wash away

All the wounds that bleed.

(more drawings here)

The coming silence

  I have learned to be wary of the silence that rests upon my lips sometimes.  Every silence has its own taste, a distinct quality from one to another. I revel in getting to know each and every one of them, appreciating them and weighting them before my eyes. But there are silences I prefer to avoid, whenever they approach there is always a different air about them. I used to be afraid of awkward silences but that has changed ever since I got introduced to another silence, the silence that befalls after a certain delicate yet distinct line has been crossed. I'm afraid every time this kind of silence engulfs me, when it rises from within me and washes over everything, it takes me over with the technique of scorched earth, stealthily and surely.
  When I become silent like this,  a page has turned and in the past I've firmly closed books that I have never looked back upon. And though it was unpleasant, I have not come to regret it yet. I'm afraid because when this silence stirs, everything else goes dormant.
  At times I wonder whether each time there are parts that never fully awaken.