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   These days I turn to writing any chance I get - my writing is bad and without a flow but as imperfect as it is, it helps me process all the thoughts that have been running rampant. Taking a trip did me good but all the things that happened and those that were running in the background were overwhelming. My memories are inconsistent and I have to fight a losing battle to at least experience their aftertaste while it lasts.

  In truth I have grown so accustomed to being quiet and alone in the last couple of years that being in the presence of people - ones that matter - is almost a new experience. It fills me with the same rush of diving into the unknown and for the first time in a long time I found myself fighting against physical tiredness in order to win some extra time. That had stopped happening long before the pandemic hit, somehow I had wilted withing myself while trying to get better and fight the guilt for not being so.

  A new era is coming, that much I know. I do not know what it brings with it. But at the moment I am letting myself go with the "what the hell" feeling of the moment. It is odd to start taking off the shackles that you have been analysing for so long. It is odd also to come face to face with feelings and realities that you have tried to avoid for some time. In some stories no one can win the moral high ground. 

 The hardest thing has been to stop reminiscing about the past so much that you detach from the present. In my trip I saw people that I had not seen for more than a year and the gap of time required of me to be present 100% and to be open and receiving and to feel emotions bubble up within me.

  It was a freeing thing. 

  At the same time I realised how much I have been circling around my doubts. I wondered, in this impossible connection that I have built over the past three years, if I were in a better place psychologically, would it have taken me less time to realise that it's not covering my needs? I was near another person that was attracting me from the past and the reality of his physical presence made me almost physically dizzy - there was no sexual proximity but he was there and I could see him and hear him and it all had a different gravity. 

  I feel the end of many chapters approaching at the same time and it's scaring but at the same time I am tired of reading them.

  Soon I will leave.