Dog-days have been post-poned indefinitely

   The past month has not been so bad, somehow I managed to find some equilibrium in doing my official duties and over-looking the ones that I did in fact want to attend to. And then a sudden fight, it always surprised me when I get into a fight, I am much more accustomed to avoiding one, to staying silent and working around it. fighting shakes me, especially when I am thrown into the wrong without being certain what it was exactly that I have done wrong. 

  For two days I allowed myself to stay in bed and read and actually listen to music, as opposed to having just something to fill up the silence. And it was the oddest feeling, for I shut myself in the room and allowed for nothing else to exist other than my bewilderment and my anxiety and in a way my grief. And that was the most relaxed I have felt in a long, long time. Not that I do not still have a clock ticking time away at the back of my head. But that was the closest I have come in a long time to just being, in the moment, with nothing else to distract me from myself. 

  Some people think me crazy for wanting to resign and to leave this place but I do not see much of a way around it - there's hardly anything to keep me here except for money and even that money can not buy me the quiet that I crave. In some ways I have watched myself grow, I have in fact accumulated a small amount to buy myself at least a modicum of freedom for a short-while. I know more hard work will have to come but hopefully it will be hard work that I do not whole-heartedly detest. Perhaps I will like it so much that I will feel less guilty for not resting, or for having forgotten how to rest without feeling guilty.

  In the balcony the few plants we have have bloomed and I envy their certainty and repetition, the ability to bloom and hibernate and then with certainty bloom again. Dog-days are over but at least I can say that now I can rise much faster than I did in the past. My legs wobble at every step of the way.

  In my last post the last paragraph accidentally got deleted and it made me sad cause I remember I had felt very much in tune with it.