Steps in any direction

   There are times when the mind easily forgets how many steps have been made. What exists only in the past is easily swallowed up by mist and the mind can be relentless in cultivating and keeping it intact. On days like this I try to take one minute to take some deep breaths. Locked by myself in the house, one would think that I would have plenty of time to do exactly that but my mind is almost always racing and breathing has proved to be the thing I do the least.

  I am almost always looking around and try to see what things no longer serve me and for once have decided that perhaps instead of just giving them left and right I might need to work somewhat more strategically. I know that sometime in the next two years I might need to move if I am to make any progress for myself: not to escape from something but simply to allow myself to follow at least one of my dreams. And perhaps to finally accept I need to grow. Seeing what serves you and what not sounds all big and flashy and shiny. In truth it's muddy and you will keep back-pedaling. I'm holding on tightly to the fact that I managed to distance myself from smoking for so long for the first time in nearly ten years: occasionally people minimize it because I was never smoking two packages a day but I know that I never lasted more than two months. I'm not jinxing it, just seeing it for what it is. Even if I back-pedal, at some point, eventually, in the future, I made it further than before. So I'm holding on to that idea. Quitting smoking was hard enough but I know that most other things will be harder. All the external little things are not what changes the bad seeds inside. They are the easy roots to spot but the ones withing you are harder to get a grasp of and, even if you do, there's just no guarantee that you won't pull out some good ones as well. 

  These are the things that keep me awake and accompany me quietly during the day. If I want the quality of my mind, of my life, to change, then I will need to learn to be forgiving and also to be firm. And I will need to choose consciously with which people I can grow and with which not. Sometimes, cutting out painful pieces means keeping intact you.