That is how I feel. There is no right nor wrong answer - both are a trap and it seems to me that I must choose which trap to fall into. When I started facing the fact that I am putting off decisions indefinitely so as not to make the wrong one, I combated this instinctive response by jumping in head first, expecting nothing. And for the first time in a while, I get moments of clarity. The dread remains but there's relief in finishing something, no matter how small or big it was or how imperfect the outcome came.
I tossed the coin and I knew what the right answer was before it hit my palm, for I knew that I resented both options but one was an escape.
It's hard to let go of the person I was and be the person I am and at least become friends with all that I need and want. I try to see the privileges that I have and use them to my advantage and it's a struggle to work through the fog of my mind. It's hard to see anything as a win if it's not exactly what I wanted it to be. If it's not even close to my dream.
I want to tear everything down and disappear. And expand.
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