Entry #13

   I have been struggling, I am not going to lie. When I look around me I remember the itch with which I wanted to sell everything I owned when I first moved in this apartment. There are times when I still do. Lots of feelings that come rushing back are familiar to me. I try to get up in the morning, make coffee sit, write, study, eat something, resist taking take-out (I tend to fail at this one.) The other day I was coming home from the doctor when I spotted an orange-tree that has not yet grown tall, full of its white blossoms. Going closer I pulled down my mask and leaned in as much as I could, the branches engulfing my face, I took in the scent of the flowers. That was the most peaceful moment of the past ten days. There's not much else to tell. 

  It is hard not to be constantly down, I envy and admire the people I see carrying so much on their shoulders and still finding ways to stand up and keep going. Any step I make is small and trivial, I think I'm mostly crushed by my own brain and not reality itself. How does one go about building even a partial reality where they actually become the person they want? My mind is usually submerged in moments and fragments of the past or invents and play-acts fantasies to make the escape from the present possible. It is very difficult to be around my self sometimes.

  There are things I should do that I keep putting off - things that I do, in fact, want to do. They plague me the worst: how can I betray even myself so much? I make tea and get up to exercise when my thoughts swallow me too much. Sometimes it helps, others not. I make small progress. But every step is a step, is it not?

  Not really - that's the sneaky part they have not told you yet. Every step is a step and it counts for what it is but there's only so far you can go when you keep finding excuse after each and every one of them. 

  Some times, for exactly this reason, I push myself to go forward with doing things that I have not tried before; to be more exact, I push my self to go forward and fail. And see that I survive. That it did not, after all, kill me. But I emerge tired nonetheless.