Entry #11

   Spending so much time deliberately looking inwards is bound to unearth various results. I have always had some sort of inclination of what kind of person I want to be and what sort of life I would like to lead but I was taught to always be careful and caring and nurturing and while those are all fine qualities to have, they can shatter a person when they are the main ones they have. And now at my age, in the midst of the pandemic, breaking my back at one shitty job after another, I realise I am not even top notch on these qualities either. 

  I find my self hungry and with a lack of any definite character or set of skills.

  The hunger has been one unexpected constant in my life and though I often find myself either detesting or pitying this emotion, I can do no more but to recognise its value as well. For every time I have dared to set a foot outside it has always been a move pushed by hunger. The trap however, is that the more you start to open up, the more starts pouring out. And the more that starts to pour out of you, the deeper you can look within and there always more skeletons to drag out of the closet, more things you want to learn and reach out to.

  In some ways, I am hungry for myself - for a sense of self that feels like me and not a man-suit that I am wearing. I am hungry to be exposed or rather to expose myself, to open up to touch that I can monitor in some ways, rather than feel that I am always subjected to the caprices of life without a will of my own. I am not talking about "rebranding", such fancy, almost filthy word, no, indeed, I do not refer to rebranding myself. I am not searching for a brand or a label, even though all my life I have been taught to chase after exactly that. A label. In greek we say that it's better to have your eye gouged out than have a bad label stuck on you.

  But I have found that all the good labels can feel like hot iron set on your skin too. And you end up scarred and just as empty on the inside. 

  I feel the pressure - in fact I feel it all too well. The pressure to be defined in a very clear, objective way - and I often desire to have the ability to do so but I find myself entirely incapable of doing it. And, for lack of better words, there is something that begins to kick inside me too. I have felt the kicks for years now but the more time passes, the more acute becomes the pain of every hit, the harder it is to be ignored.

  All the story tropes reside deep within.