Quarantine has proven to be yet another time for self-reflection but it has also been greatly trying for my mind. The house has become toxic, the strands holding it together falling apart faster than it would in any other case. Last year this time around I felt so much sturdier, wobbling but somehow still starry-eyed. I felt I was heading always towards a certain esoteric balance and equilibrium. I felt secure in my relationships with others.
Yet now I feel more pieces of my life needing to be cut off and taken away, for they are spreading on my psyche in a way that can only be called catastrophic: not exactly cancerous but rather closer to the spreading of gangrene. I feel uncertain in all things except my close family. Everyone keeps saying how this is a time for inner change and development and so on but the truth is that not all of us are allowed the mental space for such an inner reflection. A healthy environment and a lack of anxiety for basic things in the future are necessary for such a thing to happen.
And so it is not like that. I am mourning for relationships that have fallen irrevocably apart and that have been doing so for some time now. I can at least have the time to do so properly I suppose. But there is not future that I can foresee to plan for. Everything shifts faster than sand under the gusts of wind. In some respects that is relieving and forces one to obtain roots in the present.
Yet now I feel more pieces of my life needing to be cut off and taken away, for they are spreading on my psyche in a way that can only be called catastrophic: not exactly cancerous but rather closer to the spreading of gangrene. I feel uncertain in all things except my close family. Everyone keeps saying how this is a time for inner change and development and so on but the truth is that not all of us are allowed the mental space for such an inner reflection. A healthy environment and a lack of anxiety for basic things in the future are necessary for such a thing to happen.
And so it is not like that. I am mourning for relationships that have fallen irrevocably apart and that have been doing so for some time now. I can at least have the time to do so properly I suppose. But there is not future that I can foresee to plan for. Everything shifts faster than sand under the gusts of wind. In some respects that is relieving and forces one to obtain roots in the present.
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I always look forward to your posts. You say the same things going on in my head. This isolation has gone on for too long. Perhaps after years I could learn to adapt and find ways to improve myself but I don't have years. Each moment is precious and feels wasted in this house. I miss my ex but I am finding it hard to get any solace from my memories of her. Take care.
ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφήI don't mind the isolation in itself. Though I enjoy the company of others, I can generally be ok living in isolation with myself. It's just that the present environment I have been quarantined in is toxic.
ΔιαγραφήThank you for your kind words. Perhaps it is not the memories of your ex that you should try to find solace in but your self.
Sorry your environment is toxic. That has got to make this even worse.
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