15.5.20

15.5

  In another world or another time perhaps I would have known the perfect words, when to make the perfect pause, but I can hardly find the way to speak in a normal pace of life, let alone in the weight of silence. The silence has surrounded me, wrapped around me like a blanket - initially I believed that it would choke me but now it's turned into another layer of reality. It is no longer menacing and I stopped trying to trace my faults hidden in the many different folds of it.
  I know that sometimes both silence and noise are necessary for healing and I know that there are many wounds to heal. I want to feel bitter about not being able or allowed or something to this healing process but the truth is I understand. I believe his words way to much to dismiss the just so as to say they were never true. I believe he loved me then. Just as I believe he decided to let go and that has nothing to do with truth or lies.
  What has your life been like, truly been like, for the past two, two and a half months? I have no clear picture except small fragments here and there, except some bleak spots and some flowers you disclosed. What's my life been like, do you know? I wonder what you might know, I am quite certain you know a lighter, diluted version of the sleepless nights, the tears, smoking cigarettes in near desperation for breath. Locking myself in my room to protect what I can from the toxicity of the house, to create a bubble in which I didn't feel my own supposed home expelling me from it, mourning a shattered friendship, a lost job, all while the world slipped from underneath our feet, while worrying for all the people near and the future and the surreal thing that caught us in its grip.
  There were moments when I thought you could almost guess, amidst uncertainty, just how bad things truly got. Like you could sniff through the air the mud. And I wished I could share the load but it felt too selfish to do that and I'm ashamed to admit it. I'm ashamed to say that you had so many things to deal with that I didn't want you to worry about me on top of it all. I'm ashamed to say that the moment you stopped sharing your load, it felt like my right to share mine was also withdrawn. That is not your fault, I merely trying to explain how my brain works and the truth is that to share the ugly stuff I need the other person to do the same. So you see it did not matter, for better or for worse, that you told me to reach out when I didn't feel well. You tried but it was not enough, with me it takes time. How do you reach out when it happens over and over again, when it's not one thing, there is no bullet hole but many slim and nearly undetectable splinters that have found their way inside many different parts of tender flesh. And there's too many of them to ever forget they are there, any tiny movement creates a chain reaction. Where does it hurt? Here, here and here. There, there and there. In the past month it has been near constant, rarely high enough to stop one's breath in one swift reactions, but not low enough to make the passing of each day anything less than exhausting. 
  But where am I going with this even? I do not, at any point, seek to give out blame here and there. I merely look around and see neither of us around. I don't remember when was the last time I felt your presence around me. I used to not miss you because your voice felt with arm's reach and now there I look at the outline of our absence. I think we missed our moment again. And I don't know how to be there for us, I look around and I don't see our meeting point, it's like knowing there was a place I used to remember and I can no longer find my way to it or remember to describe it. 
  Maybe we run out of time. 
  I wish I could actually help.

2 σχόλια:

  1. "I'm ashamed to say that the moment you stopped sharing your load, it felt like my right to share mine was also withdrawn." I went through these same thoughts, because sharing the burdens is an act that brings you closer, makes you vulnerable and you are already feeling vulnerable because they decided to leave.

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