This feeling

I don't know
where this feeling stems from.
It comes after good nights
and it comes after bad nights.
It's not very picky about the nights frankly
or the days.
But it seems it loves me
all the same.

I recognise it
from the pressure on the chest
the thoughts of disappearing
the need to disappear,
this oppressive need,
from thr feeling of worthlessness
of being an Extra,
good enough
but far from astounding.

I see it, in those moments
whenI desperately want to show off,
to be praised,
and I laugh at my inability
to sustain myself.