Exhaustion

I realised yesterday
what I already knew.
You can't really connect with someone you cannot see,
you can't touch.
It's frustrating
to depend so much
on a little green dot.

After the funeral,
and before,
I wanted to speak with you.
To tell you of the exhaustion,
the mental and the physical one.
To tell you
that in order to go through the funeral,
and the memories that came unbidden,
I had to detach
and I did it so perfectly
that I'm still numb,
still unfeeling.
To tell you of how my friend,
my sister,
whispered in a hoarse voice,
"What you did today,
the way you held me,
supported me,
I will never forget."
I brushed it off,
because that is what friends do.
It was nothing special.
The only thing I'm aware of
is the pain on the inside of my skull
like something in there is trying to break out
and shatter my head.

The nights are empty
devoid of sleep.
During the day
I walk as an automaton,
exhaustion bringing on dizzyness.
At times I look around
disoriented.
Exhausted.
Trying to collect myself.