Alarmed

I've been feeling
                        alarmed.

  I was so annoyed yesterday at your absence. I had been certain that at some point I'd catch a glimpse of him among the others, casually leaning against the piano or the bar and drinking his beer. So certain, so certain that as the time went by I kept feeling more and more annoyed and, if I am to be completely honest, worried and disappointed at his absence. Having not seen him for over a week I miss the buzz he gives me, the way he riles me up, the way he places his hand on my arm or my waist, the slow way he leans in to kiss my cheek. I just kept glancing over my shoulder at the exit.

  I'm alarmed because I give him too much importance. Alarmed because he shakes me out of my daily boredom. Alarmed because I want to unnerve him to the point I render him speechless. I want to make him blush. 

  Alarmed because he makes me feel more like a predator rather than someone who just wants to be in love.

Self esteem

I love how people always believe

low self-esteem 

means you feel you're the lowest of the low.

In my opinion

I'm rather pretty

rather smart

rather talented

almost interesting.

Almost - not enough.

I'm rather many things.

But not enough

to make me 

first choice material.

I'm not 

substancial

enough.

Not a nice person

I have realised
what attracts me
is that aloofness of yours
as if you really don't give a shit.

I kind of want to make you care
so that
I get to break your bones
instead.

(I told him
I was not a nice person
and now
you might just find out
it's true)

Weird guy

That was weird.
You're weird.

Not sure I'm attracted to you
in a romantic way that is
(is there any other kind of attracion?)
I think it's mostly
because you frustrate me
because you perplex me.

You said you were sorry.
Whatever did you have to caress my cheek for then?

Weird guy.
Weird.
Weird.
Weird.

You might
might
sort of excite me.

I'll never understand people

There always seems
to be this one person
who perplexes me in some way.
This time it's someone
who thinks I'm boring
yet pats the back of my head
when he's drunk.

(Image source)

Weight

Lots
of people tell me
that I've lost weight
and it suits me
and I should keep it up.
And I know they mean it
as a compliment
but sometimes it feels
more like an insult.

Happy birthday

I kissed someone else

for the first time since you

on your birthday.

A nameless,

unimportant guy,

whose name 

I didn’t even care to ask

and whose kiss

I don’t even care to remember.

I’ve decided

I’m not in love with you

and I’ll repeat that to myself

until I believe it to be true.

We just filled,

temporarely so,

the empty hungry crevices 

of each other.

we just gave each other

the intimacy

we craved.

I’ve gotten too accustomed to your absence

and pain is sometimes the strongest drug.

It makes one feel alive.

I’m not in love with you

anymore.

I think

I was not made 

for constant love.

I’m not in love with you anymore.

Happy birthday.

(Eh, I've also posted this elsewhere, oh well)