Dead end

   I watched the snow melt outside, little by little, some of it preserves in nooks and corners here and there. I watched from my window and I did not budge, not until I had to make a new cup of tea. The pause has been necessary but it has not exactly been good. I manage to sleep more but every day is full of headaches - and the more time passes, the harder it is to put my mind in one singular action. I feel trapped. But that's not new: the problem is that I have no idea what to escape to. 

  I want to roll my eyes at my own thoughts at this point - I whine a lot and though I know that at this point the entire world is united in one united whining, I want to take a moment and step back and see beyond my shitty job and feelings of meaninglessness, what things do I have that I am grateful for?

For the apartment I live in: We have had a rocky start but I am putting effort in it and it has loyally provided me shelter.

The health of my loved ones.

The three loyal friends with whom I rarely ever talk.

The parents that try to love me as best as they can.

The man who will come to see me soon.

Actually, the few people who read this  blog: I have not kept up with numbers but some of you have stuck around for quite some time. I truly appreciate it.

The morning light.

My books.

These are all in all the core of what I am grateful for.  

I put one foot in front of the other. I mostly fall into puddles. I try to start again. I cry a lot at times. I try to take care of myself and am in full denial about it. My mind is still cluttered. I dislike the majority of the things I see around me and thus look inwards to see how I can perhaps start changing them from within.

I miss touching. The smell of orange blossoms - the feel of the wind on my face. The world is being deconstructed right under our feet and we're hovering, unsure of which way to move towards. But today, in this moment, I'm grateful for the precious things that amidst the chaos allow me the semblance of balance.

And I contemplate burning every screen I own.

This is an aimless post.