Entry #12

   I want to take photographs - it is an odd realisation to have. I felt it last night while taking in the few people surrounding me. I wanted to photograph their existence right in that moment, hopeless and in semi-darkness, semi-drunkenness and still able to laugh. The room was filled with their smoke, amazingly enough I abstained from touching a cigarette and that in itself is perhaps the most promising way to open the new year. The heaviness has not left but it felt good to share it with a few others and to sleep on the couch while another person slept on the floor and the other two in the bedroom. I woke up a couple of times but I slept peacefully for the most part. 

  Around midnight people started yelling and screaming and she hollered back to them while hanging her body out the window and we consumed whiskey and daze. There are many ways to be dazed and it's good to not always do it on your own. And it was so weird not to be alone last night after the year we passed. We're all people locked in our homes and for just a little while the four of us gathered in one home.

  I don't believe in new beginnings. But I am hoping that I will grow gentle again and that the bruises will hurt just a little less.

  This morning, in my house, I danced in spite of the despair.