Entry #8

  I was not aware that the closing of a door could have such a finite feel to it. And yet looking back all the ends almost always include the closing of a door; the door of the airplane as it shuts closed, the door of your previous house closing after you have handed in the keys, a taxi door, a class-room door. Sometime the sound of the door does not accompany the ending itself, it is only later, when you return to your current adobe and you close the door behind you that you even become aware of an ending. And more often than not, those moments are hardly melodramatic.

  When he left I closed the door behind him in relief. It does not bug me in the slightest to admit so. This was an ending to our chemistry, the thing that had been building up under the surface and had to be released at some point. And once that door closed he was back to being himself, another man, in a way a boy, in many ways lonely. I have tenderness for the lonely people but I do not delude myself with what is an extent of a need and what can be rooted in genuine emotion. And I felt relief for once the line is crossed and you see what was on the other side you can comfortably go back and move on.

  When I closed the door behind me that day, I looked around at was my new house and could not help but think back of another house into which I had entered with a feeling of elation, with so much positive feelings for what the future would hold. This now, this was a different matter, a different feeling. It was the first time I moved in someplace feeling near sick to my core, disillusioned, tired and wishing to be away from every one. I still think of those moments with a bitter feeling, sometimes the bitterness is directed to myself.

  When I came back last night and closed the door, knowing that in the next three weeks I will be in complete quiet, with very, very disturbances from the outside world, I was filled with bliss. Things are never allowed to be quite so simple, of that I know. But the bliss was there none the less. The present situation removed any need for a pretext, for a reason to sit back and remain reserved and keep my mouth shut. And with that I drew in a deep breath.

  And I allowed myself to plunge inwards.