I wrote a long entry and erased it. For in reality it wrote of nothing, it listed of things and things and things and really, some things don't matter all the time. I don't know in what words I could express my emotional state - I decided to try some new things out, picked up some classes, asked someone to come over, small steps towards learning how to express desire and needs in a form that is not shaped by the wishes of others. The excitement of those small steps, the fake decisiveness of them somehow balance out the rest of the bad stuff. Perhaps I am learning in some ways how to be more myself.
I am trying to grow into a morning person - in truth I have never held anything against mornings, except for the fact that they were usually required for the sake of the dictates of others and that the night has always had it's own allure and quiet in it. Somehow the poetry of life seems to have dried up by 8a.m. Nonetheless, this year the nights have grown more difficult and peace is hard to find in them. At least lately I can sleep more easily but sometimes I need to know that I will sleep next to someone else once a week. I don't bother with more than that, the shared intimacy with a trusted person is enough to anchor me down a bit, to calm the fears that sometimes assail me in the dead of night.
And this year has turned out so weird - aside from the sexual contact, I was so used to share physical contact with some people in my life. Now I hardly embrace my parents, I hardly see friends, let alone touch them, occasionally I meet people by chance while coming back from work and there is that moment of silence when we're both thinking whether we should hug or if that will break through too many barriers of the other person. All this physical disconnection, mixed with the cracks and rifts that bloomed this year, they have left me so bereft, so lacking, that the mere fact of sleeping next to someone once per week helps balance me out. I know that part of me wants to chase after the chance of adding more nights or risking adding more bodies to the nights just in case the warmth will bring more quietness with it but I know well enough that that is not how it goes. Trust of others will slowly be built but in the meantime, endlessly filling up what little space I have to myself with non-sensible distractions is pointless. Still, I'm thinking about daring it here and there. Even if only for the temporary relief.
So many little dares for some temporary relief.
I would be lost without the human contact I have had this year. My writing quality has diminished. I am a victim of that same social media I just complained about in your last post. To many video, podcasts and images to distract me.
ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφήAh, I do try to disconnect each day after 21.00 - not just from social media but from screens in general, it's an attempt both at improving my sleep but also to keep myself somewhat sane. I find myself constantly overwhelmed with sm and more than just keeping me from doing things I want, they further my depressed and anxious thoughts.
ΔιαγραφήI have no idea whether my writing has gotten any better to be absolutely honest - I know that I used to be more prolific in it, in the sense that I wrote almost daily, even if it was just non-sensical stuff. This past year I grew back into the habit as a way of anchoring myself and I have to admit that I have gotten back some of the flow but all in all I don't know whether I have gotten better at it. It's been helping me a lot though.
I do miss many of the blogs I used to follow - even if I did not have much dealings with the people themselves, I miss their writing and I often find myself wondering whether they are doing ok. Perhaps over time more of them will come back. Perhaps some of them simply outgrew their need to write.