"I know it's not much, but it's something," I mutter and turn around and leave. I'm sort of floatting, sort of thrusting around, sort of carried by the current. I have no direction, my eye is caught by reflections and little shines and shadows and everything that temporarely flutters and then dies. The world around me is hurrying around and I remain immobile, dizzy and indiferent.
I am working for myself by myself. That's the thought I keep repeating to myself over and over. If I say enough times I will believe it. I have nothing new to say, nothing that can be called earth-shattering, so I remain silent. I let the hubbub of everyone around me make up for my lack of words, it's a pleasant distraction even if it sometimes ends up drowning me.
The good-old dull aches are always there of course, always scraching the same old wound but I am so accustomed to them by now I don't even notice when they are around. You get used to going around with a crippled heart, a crippled mind. You get to appreciate the tears and the smiles all the more when they come. I appreciate everything that sets me on fire, the euphoria and the pain. Everything else is a past-time or a chore.
I miss him of course and I'm thinking of someone else of course, and that goes for everyone that occupies a space in my mind of course. But there is nothing new to be said, I made choices I have not regretted but the outcome does not make me happy. I'm not sure in some situations there is an outcome that can make one happy.
I have thought about it of course.The doubt is sometimes there. I found one person in my life that respected me and loved me. Was in love with me. Many people never even find it once and I will find it a second time? Probably not but I loved him too much to keep him just to inevitably at some point crush him.
"You know you too can call for me in times of need, right?"
"Yes, I do."
"But will you?"
Will I? Will I?
Probably not. You know I probably won't.
I don't like to cause problems, I don't like to disturb.
I'll silently remain here smiling, until I'm not here anymore.
I think for us to fall back into loving ourself, and realising that we're complete and don't need anyone to complete us is very important.
ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφήI realised today that I have had complications in relationships, cause I've always looked at my mother and father, and they've never been not complicated.
So, I protect my mother, and when I put myself out there, I protect myself.
Its all complications. We're differently defined.
I hope its beautiful.