One of the things I have always felt in my life was the impulse to buy a ticket for another country and never return, severing all ties with my past. And when I say everyone I do mean everyone. Even all those people that I love so much that should something happen to them I'm not sure how I'd be able to go on (mom you're one of them in spite of all the anger I have directed to you over the years). I don't know whether that's because I'm lonely or selfish or ungrateful but nevertheless I have dreamed that ever since I can remember myself.
  I've always felt suffocated. Insuficient. Weak. Alone. Try as I might I can't seem to break through that one last feeling. Scarcely does that feeling ever disolve and those moments are few and far in between. And I don't even think it because of others. I think it's me. I seem to be lacking something, someone. And dammit, I can't help this feeling. I feel alone.
  And what I hate is that I'm only 18. I'm only 18, that's too young to feel so alone. People tell me that I'm mature for my age, that I've always been. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. All I know is that I need someone, someone with whom things will be more personal. Someone who will make me feel alive.
  I've actually been thinking a lot lately about that waiter that Ellie got so antagonistic over. I was thinking about it the other day - the fact that I'm thinking of him that is - and was trying to understand the reason why. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because I am bored? Because Ellie acted like that, because my ego won't let go?
  I reached the conclusion that I did it because it's safe. It's safe to think of someone you don't even know, to make scenarios. It's safe because you know they're just that. Scenarios. There is no real person behind those images and therefore nothing to get attached to. Ah, but to know someone, to actually risk getting to know them, to invest so much in that. That's another thing entirely. That could cost you a lot.
  Maybe I'm still a bit sore over that L bussiness after all. I feel so reluctant to even go after someone, let alone fall in love. Even though I miss it terribly, I wonder whether perhaps I still have that romantic image of love in my head or maybe I just don't know what I want. I can't help but wonder, will I ever find that person who will inspire me enough to open up to him?
  I want to make love with someone and then fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
  I don't care about fucking. I may be a virgin but I know that I'm beautiful enough and witty enough (when I want to) to find someone to fuck if I feel like it. Ah but knowing that I can have something as simple as that makes me ache for something that goes way deeper.

Intimacy, contrary to what we may think, is not only in sex scenes. Sometimes it's in the dialogues, when skins are slightly touching or in the way we look each other. That's when complicity rises. That's what most difficult to develop, because in the sex scenes, there is nothing else to do than the movements.
    -Francois Arnaud

Theory #23: When something goes well, expect something else to go wrong.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one area of your life starts going well another falls spectacularly to pieces, said Bridget Jones.
  She forgot to mention that the opposite rarely applies.

  I begun the preparation for the University of Fine Arts, I got over L and now I sort of fancy Tony. Remember Tony? My tango partner? Yeah well, the thing is that when I talk about him I blush immensely and that when we had a two-hour-long rehearsal we rehearsed for half an hour and we talked the rest. He makes me laugh and when we dance together I relax. When he looks into my eyes he makes me smile immediatelly.
  That's... not good exactly, in the sense that I just got over someone whom I liked for the past three years, I'm not sure that falling for someone else is the safest thing to do. Especially if that someone is leaving the country by the end of the month and won't be back for a few months.
  Even if he said he'd call me this week to go out, even if he's made that dreamy smile of those in love return to my lips, it's not good. What? Oh, ok, yes I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about something that feels so good and lifts my spirits.
  I missed it though. I missed the excitement of liking someone, the excitement of talking to that person so easily. I've missed going to bed with no tears in my eyes, no heavy heart, no painful thoughts. I've missed that beat that your heart skips at the prospect of a message, the anxious checking of the phone, the secret smiles, the possibility of something happening. Something new, with someone new, with no past history and bitterness following at your heels. I've missed private jokes that you make without thinking God, these only matter to me for sure. 
  I miss this feeling of falling  in love instead of being in a bruised love. 

 
  And then  I learn about Sonia and Annie. You have to understand that I have circles of close friends. My close friends from one circle are not necesserily friends with the other circle. So Annie, Sonia and I are on circle of close friends. Annie has been in love with this guy for three years now (what is it with number three?). Mad, passionate love, the kind of love you read in Neruda's poems, the all-consuming type.
  And Sonia has been talking the entire time with that guy, texting about this and that, with him saying that he likes her and her agreeing to go out with him. All behind Annie's back. A friend of Annie's checked their messages along with Annie (not ethical I know) and they were even... they made fun of Annie.
  How do you do that? How do you laugh at someone's agony when you know it firsthand, when you're one of their closest friends, when you're someone who's trusted? How can you give the kiss of Judas?
  Betrayal is a bitter drink. And suddenly everything within the gang (there are others in this circle but the three of us were the closest) is in pieces and I'm trying to keep Annie together and I can't for the life of me understand how I did not see that coming.

I'm just trying to keep everything together, my head's in pieces, my heart is too and suddenly the drawing I have to do for the school is not the art I want to make.

Fragments #5

  The other night I had fever. I was writhing between the sheets, drenched in sweat, caught in that state between sleep and being awake. Sometimes everything was starkly visible and I was awake and others I seemed to be lost in shadows. I remember the heat of my body, it felt like it consumed me. I remember me wishing he was there to beat the heat with the touch of a cool hand against my skin. Or if he was still sick, if he was still feverish, for his flesh and mine to simply touch and if the fire grew stronger let the bloody flames consume, I thought.

  I also remember that no amount of wishing actually made him be there.

  And I closed my eyes and turned on my left side and wispered at the wall everything I wanted to tell him. But the air carrying the words stayed locked, imprisoned in the sickroom and the wind couldn't take the words to him.

  I was on the train with Ellie today. I took in a deep breath and said "Maybe I'll ask him out after the Exams."

  "Yes!" she exclaimed, "Do that! I've been telling you to for some time now. I mean, I asked you know who out." Sometimes I wonder whether she can finally decide whether L likes me or not.

  We were sitting in silence, the train rocking us rhythmically, the city going by. "You know," she said breaking the silence, "he does like you. I know that."

  "Just not enough."

  

  I got in a fight with mom the other day. Actually about two weeks ago. She managed to get me so mad that I left home in the dead of night, screaming at the top of my lungs and kicking trees. I've never felt so out of control. I've never lost control before. It scared me.
  I didn't care then. 

  It's just that everything gets bottled up inside and when it comes out it hits anything in its way. I've never reacted so violently before, I never even react violently.

  Some days afterwards mom pissed me off enough that I kicked a chair and it flew accross the room and a cabinet door which now has come partially off its hinges. Mom doesn't know.

  Since then I've been ok. I am now controlling my emotions.

Find me now. Before someone else does.

Theory #18: Being in (unrequited) love doesn't get easier

You simply adapt to a reality where you're near the object of your emotions and so far away at the same moment.

  I was at the hospital in the morning, just a check-up, nothing serious. It has nothing to do with sickness. Just something I had to do every six months for the past years. Today was the last time. No need to worry.

  Afterwards I had an option: go to school for the last two classes of the day or stay home. With mum. And because I had a headache I preferred to leave home. Only as I was on my way to school I passed outside of the public library. And suddenly my copy of  "The Midnight Palace" by C.R.Z. seemed to burn in my backpack. The library, I thought, what better place than that to find peace? And so I turned and went in. Straight to the third floor. I found a sit so that I could look out the window, same seat I've been using lately whenever I skip school. I've even made a sketch of it. 

  So I placed my things on my corner and took out my book and started reading. And then I finished it. I checked the watch and saw that the your last class would end in 15 minutes. I had already chosen a few books to flip through, what harm could it do to stay a bit more? 

  I wondered whether you would come after school. I knew that sometimes you did. 

  My back was at the door and I was lost in an account of how the Sumerians dressed (I had chosen a small tome on the history of costume). I heard the door open and close a few times but it  hadn't been you - as far as I could hear - so I my nerves calmed down and I relaxed. And then I realised that someone is standing about a meter and a half from where I was sitting on my right and I looked up and sure enough there you were. And it was like someone had kicked my heart and the clouds had parted and the sun shined all at once.(I've writen you before that it is not normal for me to feel so much for you).

  And you were just... you were just sitting there. You had been watching me for a few seconds, your head tilted slightly, a small smile on your lips. (Did you guess I was there for you? shit.) And then T - your best friend - popped out of nowhere and said "Emilia reading a book? No waaaay." (Yeah, ok, we all know I'm a bookworm). And I stuck my tongue at the two of you. And we just said hi and then you just turned and left and sat in the table next to mine - only as I was leaving did I notice that I could see you and you could see me from where you sat. I thought I had seen you looking once but then again it could have been just me. 

  I know I make it sound like it lasted aeons but it was only a moment.

  So I went back to my volume and for an hour we read (you studied I think) in silence. And then I had to leave (well I didn't but after 60 minutes in the same room with you I was tempted to start intruding in your silence). So I got up, placed back all the books and told you guys "See you tomorrow." And I know I smiled but inwardly I heaved a sigh.

  I wanted to kiss you so. badly.

  Yesterday night I saw you. After you were done with prep school. The weather was slightly chilly and you wore no jacket just a tee. you hadn't come at school and my heart contrited in my chest.
  "You'll catch a cold like that," I told you.
  "I'm going for a run," you said. 
  "At this time?"
  "It's the only time I can spare." 
  I'll be honest. I was worried whether you would make it home safe. Silly I know but it was already near 11p.m. 

  And then the image of you from when I had seen you last summer when you had gone with S for running came to mind. You were wearing a black shirtless shirt and your strong arms were covered in sweat.

This is not getting any easier.