Theory #24

  You may things have not changed, caught up as you are in your hectic life, but they are shifting around you. 
  Until, suddenly, you stop and realise nothing's the way you remembered.

  I'm not sure where to begin. Or what to say for that matter. I'm not sure what has changed or when, all I know is that nothing feels the same and yet they seem that way.
  Things with Ellie... they feel tight somehow, wrong. I'm being the coward, not facing the problem, not saying a word. I should say something. Before I leave for New York. Then maybe she'll have time to think things over while I'm gone. Or I will. i'm not quite sure which one of us is the one who has to do the thinking. Maybe we're just drifting apart, the way people sometimes do. Perhaps it's only natural and unstoppable but I'm not sure I'm fond of the idea that we're no the ones shaping our future.
  It feels too much as an excuse and too much as a reason to give up.

   As for Tony... I guess distance finally played its part. I had some exams and we couldn't talk for a week because I slept early during that time, and then we chatted a bit last Monday before one of his classes. And after that... silence. I'm not sure whether it's because he wants to see whether I'll message him or because he's otherwise occupied or I am or both of us. Or maybe it's just the damn distance.
  I don't miss him that much, at least not in that over played, over dramatised way that is shown in the movie. The absence of our talks hits me subtly, when I'm alone, when the hubbub of my friends has died away, when I feel the need to shut out all the light and just let good music play, when I feel like swaying to its rhythm. His memory comes at the most quiet moments.
  In the silence.




@Bathwater: Leave your email in the comments below because when I go to your blog it opens up Outlook and I don't know how to use it (I did not forget you even if it seemed that way).

10 things I hate about you

  At some point I need to learn to follow my own advice. Just saying.
  August has been lazy and rather fruitless.
  Tony has kept in touch. And I'm frustrated, not at him but at me. Because part of me can see where this is all going. And it feels as if I'm heading there nonetheless.
  I hate that he tells me he loves Christmas because it's full of lights and happiness and it's the time for falling in love. Yes, thank you I know that.
  I hate how he calls me his dance partner, the way he tells me that of course we synchronise, we dance together.
  I hate how private it felt when he found my big glasses funny - "I didn't say they don't suit you, they're just a bit big". It didn't even feel insulting. It was like we were old friends.
  I hate how everytime we talk on skype we end up talking for over an hour joking and speaking about our lives and routines and Christmas and New York.
  I hate the way I feel when he asks me to visit him.
  I hate that once he logged on Skype right after class and then we chatted for an hour.
  I hate the loneliness I sometimes feel when we don't talk.
  I hate feeling guilty for fantasing I'm with someone else.
  I hate hating the messages we send because I'd rather we talk on skype. Text seems so unemotional, I'd rather hear his voice.
  I hate that I hate all those things in the first place.

I think I make things tough inside my head...

  For the record,
Tony did call
one day
before I left for vacation.

"You're still asleep?"
I stayed up late watching a movie.
"Cool. You free tomorrow?" Hearing those words made me swear iOn tnwardly.
I had been waiting
for two weeks.
I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow. 
In the morning.
"Fuck.
You free today?
I could
try to cancel some stuff."

We both tried but didn't make it. He left the country for the US on my birthday. He said he'd message me once he got online.

I was on the vacation along with Ellie, Mollie and Mishka. We found this cool bar that played rock and rock'n'roll music. There was thic sute waiter there with whom I danced once (wow, I was one of the few he danced with - all. week. long. that is). He had the whole rock'n'roll thing going on and he was a good dancer. Ellie got really antagonistic with me over him and it really fucking pissed me off because the way she did it was very aggressive and possesive. I mean, we all four drooled over him - it was inevitable - but her manner annoyed me, she sometimes acted like a 15-year-old.
  And now I feel like a bitch for thinking of that. I mean, I only danced once with the guy and we only spoke again when I asked him to put a particular song on and when he asked whether he could take away some empty plates and I re-ordered those beers that hadn't come. (It took ages to communicate with him, and he kept looking in my eyes it was unnerving. And he wanted to learn from who we had ordered them before. Ok. Took him ages to bring them - only when another waiter went to get them - and then he sort of slammed them on the table). (I think he regarded us as some sort of groupies).
  (Mollie fucked one of his friends. why am I even writing that?)
  But what annoyed me the most was the fact that Ellie kept on mentioning Tony whenever I mentioned the waiter. Once she even told me "You don't like this guy, you're in love with Tony."
  Fuck it, I'm not in love with Tony. I didn't have the chance to be. If we had had a little bit of more time, if we had managed to go out, if something actually had happened, then yes, I would have been. Falling, really, completely and utterly falling was so easy with him. But our timing was too bad, even if he wants to keep in touch.
  I don't think I can emotionally get invested in someone who lives half-accross the world, someone who I don't know what he does, what he thinks, someone I don't really know that well. I can't fall for someone who isn' here.
  I can't wait for someone when I don't know who and why I'm waiting, or even whether I should be waiting.

And Ellie sometimes makes me feel as if she's jealous of me, as if she wants to bring me down. But I know I'm only being paranoid.



  And Tony messaged me yesterday. We've messaged via Facebook the last couple of days (or is it nights?). And we've mostly chit-chatted,
a voice inside my head going
what
  are you doing
this
  is not even actual communication
just
  mindless talking between strangers
why
   are you even bothering?
why
  is he even?

Theory #23: When something goes well, expect something else to go wrong.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one area of your life starts going well another falls spectacularly to pieces, said Bridget Jones.
  She forgot to mention that the opposite rarely applies.

  I begun the preparation for the University of Fine Arts, I got over L and now I sort of fancy Tony. Remember Tony? My tango partner? Yeah well, the thing is that when I talk about him I blush immensely and that when we had a two-hour-long rehearsal we rehearsed for half an hour and we talked the rest. He makes me laugh and when we dance together I relax. When he looks into my eyes he makes me smile immediatelly.
  That's... not good exactly, in the sense that I just got over someone whom I liked for the past three years, I'm not sure that falling for someone else is the safest thing to do. Especially if that someone is leaving the country by the end of the month and won't be back for a few months.
  Even if he said he'd call me this week to go out, even if he's made that dreamy smile of those in love return to my lips, it's not good. What? Oh, ok, yes I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about something that feels so good and lifts my spirits.
  I missed it though. I missed the excitement of liking someone, the excitement of talking to that person so easily. I've missed going to bed with no tears in my eyes, no heavy heart, no painful thoughts. I've missed that beat that your heart skips at the prospect of a message, the anxious checking of the phone, the secret smiles, the possibility of something happening. Something new, with someone new, with no past history and bitterness following at your heels. I've missed private jokes that you make without thinking God, these only matter to me for sure. 
  I miss this feeling of falling  in love instead of being in a bruised love. 

 
  And then  I learn about Sonia and Annie. You have to understand that I have circles of close friends. My close friends from one circle are not necesserily friends with the other circle. So Annie, Sonia and I are on circle of close friends. Annie has been in love with this guy for three years now (what is it with number three?). Mad, passionate love, the kind of love you read in Neruda's poems, the all-consuming type.
  And Sonia has been talking the entire time with that guy, texting about this and that, with him saying that he likes her and her agreeing to go out with him. All behind Annie's back. A friend of Annie's checked their messages along with Annie (not ethical I know) and they were even... they made fun of Annie.
  How do you do that? How do you laugh at someone's agony when you know it firsthand, when you're one of their closest friends, when you're someone who's trusted? How can you give the kiss of Judas?
  Betrayal is a bitter drink. And suddenly everything within the gang (there are others in this circle but the three of us were the closest) is in pieces and I'm trying to keep Annie together and I can't for the life of me understand how I did not see that coming.

I'm just trying to keep everything together, my head's in pieces, my heart is too and suddenly the drawing I have to do for the school is not the art I want to make.

Theory #22: Instict never lies.

Always trust your instics. According to researchers, the reason we have it is because it's the best way for our subconscious to warn us about something we have not acknowledged.

My instict was right on Wensday when I had the feeling Tony wouldn't come to rehearsal. He called me to cancel. His grandpa had a stroke. I texted him on Thursday. He said his grandpa is not stable yet.

It was also right about yesterday when L brought his fucking girlfriend with him at the party of a mutual friend. When did he ever even get a girlfriend? She's the first of his girlfriends that took an instant dislike at. They kept kissing and once as they were kissing he lifted her and twirled her around. 
  And nearly landed her on me. It took real zeal on my part to not punch him in the face.

  But on the brightside, I felt nothing when I was told that his girlfriend was coming as well. Nothing. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm not that into him anymore and I just hadn't realised it. Maybe my feelings for him had indeed been a routine after a certain point.
  I had told Annie that this Saturday either something will happen between us or it will end.
  It ended.
  And all I feel is relief. He has a girlfriend now and I have no reason to analyse his every move to understand what the fuck goes on in his head. I can, at last, move on.
  At least I hope so.




  I hope from now on I'll have someone else to write about. 

 

Fragments #6

It's Friday Night. Past midnight, I lay on my bed. The bedside lamp is on and a yellowy glow fills the room. Amy Winehouse is playing on my pc, softly. My limbs feel sore and stiff, I forgot to stretch after I played basketball during Physics class - I obviously diched the class. My cellphone is next to my ear on the bed and I'm speaking with Annie. she's reading to me some of the texts T has been sending her. It seems to me that he likes her but doesn't dare to say so outright.
  I'm trying not to think of L and I fail so I sip my wine instead. I feel lonely and tired and sad. I'm sleepy and my body feels heavy. I exchange goodbyes with Annie and go to sleep but to no avail. Sleep has abandoned me. I twist and turn on my bed trying, hoping, to lose consiousness. I decide to text Ellie.
  "Insomnia fucking sucks. Just saying." I type and then press send. And realise than I accidentally texted L instead of Ellie. I bite my lip to keep from screaming - mother is sleeping next door - and prey to God that he is asleep.
  He's not. "Huh?" comes the answer.
  I apologise quickly, explain that phones with a touch-screen are really stupid and text him goodnight.
  "Ok
  Goodinght!"
  comes the answer. I put the phone on my nightstand, turn around and fall asleep.

  It's Thurdsay and I'm at my tango class. My dance partner, Tony has his right hand around my waist and holds me firmly as we swirl on the floor and I fall agaist him as I'm supposed to do - thanks choreography - and re-assures me when I make mistakes. When we talk he makes me laugh and when we dance I blush (though not as much as I did at first). He even makes the thought of L go away for a while (to forget him completely is impossible) and he makes me laugh. Sometimes it's difficult, I wonder what it would feel like to kiss him, tango is difficult when you're lonely. He's 23 and I'm 18. The rest in the group are around 40.
  They calls us "the little ones".

It's Wensday night and I'm coming back from tutoring. And suddenly I bump into L. We talk for a while, he says he won't come to school again until the Exams, I tell him that I'll go on Thursday. It's late and I tell him "Well, goodnight then, I wouldn't like to keep you." He shrugs as if he's not tired and wants to go home. Afterwards I'm both sad and happy. Such a weird sensation.
  On Friday morning I learn that he went to school on Thursday.

Oh, and something else.

You're offline, I want you to be online.
I take the dog out for ten minutes and you manage to log in, like photos, comment and log off.
Then you log in and I'm staring at your photo intently telling you to log off (I'm not ok).
Then some random guy I used to like years ago (he liked me back I think) sends me a message on Facebook.
What does my life want from me?

Theory #19: Somedays can be like the first day of falling in love.

hvknl
You have a spring in your walk, and sigh whenever you see him, and you have lost look on your face, a smile playing on your lips.
  I'm sorry I do not know whether it's going to get harder again later on.            
 
I'm not sure what the reason was. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen you in so long. Two weeks. They went by in moments of happiness, sadness and loneliness. I missed you. So much. More than I had thought. And today when we talked I felt so happy, my heart nearly burst when I came down the stairs and saw you talking with a teacher. I wanted to say hi but I didn't want to interrupt, so I passed behind the teacher and went into the teacher-room to leave the absences catalog and when I came out the teacher was gone and you daid hi. I responded and then went towards the stairs and I couldn't contain my happiness, I was smiling.
  And you were three steps behind so I waited for you and we talked the only thing that came to mind in order to begin a conversation was to ask you whether S, your best friend, had come. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How do you make me get so stuck? And you laughed saying you're frineds but you don't manage your schedule and then you walked all the way with me to the classroom (it wasn't a long way, just three meters from the stairs, and next to your classroom) and asked me whether  I was going to play Tichu (a game) with the others. "Nah, gotta deliver lunch to my cousin." You said ok and then you left. (And you didn't go to your classroom I noticed.)
  And then afterwards when you passed in front of the door and I just kept smiling like an idiot.
  And then at some point you were at our door, T (your best friend who seems to like Annie) was standing behind you and you were looking were Annie and I were sitting and I saw you. And I couldn't help smiling and waving. And you smiled and waved back. And T whispered something to you.
  Those tiny moments gave me happy memories you know.

  And here's something I wrote today during Physics:

I have
aching lips for you to kiss,
fingers that ache to trace your jawline.

At your sight I soar
And plunge head-first into darkness then.
I miss the moments we didn't live,
the memories we didn't make.

The poet speaks the truth:
I had for you the love you wanted.

Diary Entry #4

  I'm not sure what's the most difficult: the mornings, that hazy moment when you open your eyes, when you're brought to consiouness or the nights, the moment right before you lose consiouness, all sense of you. Each seems difficult in its own way. Both share the same feeling of loneliness.
  Today's his birthday. I texted him when I woke up; he was my first thought. He repiled with a "Thanks!" and that was all there was to it. Well, it's not like I expected anything different. But I still felt both happy and sad. Happy that he replied, sad that that was the only reason I could text him about.
  I'm in my blues again.
  I also realised yesterday that L bears a resemblance to my father. They both have strong facial bone structure. The last one was noticed by Molly. I also know that there's a certain character resemblance.
  So it's true. Girls do fall in love with guys that remind them of their fathers.

P.S. Thinking of posting some of my poems. Still not sure over that.

Diary Entry #3

  Ok Emilia, time to sit down and think a bit about what you've done today.
  And that is pretty much... nothing. It's four o'clock in the morning and you have to write an essay on tourism, do a synopsis and study maths. For tomorrow morning at 11 a.m.
  Gee, I wonder, which part won't work? The sleep part and we all know it.

 I've been thinking a lot about L these past few days and at the same time I haven't. I'm ok at the moment. At the moment. I'm still lonely. I was talking with Annie today, one of his friends is flirting her, big time, and she's not really interested. We were talking about relationships in general. And all of a sudden she asks me "I don't get it, do you have to sleep with them the moment you get together?"
  I had to restrain myself from heaving a sigh. I have not slept with a guy before, I've only ever kissed once, but I explained to her that with the right person it will right. I won't even think about it. It's not something you can schedule exactly. I told her about that time I had been crying and everyone had thought I had been moved. And L came and hugged me smiling and said "You were moved huh?" And I  held him against him and buried my head on the crook between the neck and the shoulder. I didn't let go as fast as they do is casual embraces.
  But what mattered the most to me was that he didn't let go. And he calmed the sadness inside me.
  Also I afterwards learned that before that scene he had asked around about why I was not well.

  I must have written about this here more than 2 times. It matters that much. But my point is, with him, I could have sex with him. Not because he wanted to and I just couldn't say no. But because I wanted to, I want this closeness, thin intimacy, I want everything he has to offer. Even that stupid pink jacket that doesn't suit him at all.

  Alright, I think it's time to do that essay now.

Fragments #5

  The other night I had fever. I was writhing between the sheets, drenched in sweat, caught in that state between sleep and being awake. Sometimes everything was starkly visible and I was awake and others I seemed to be lost in shadows. I remember the heat of my body, it felt like it consumed me. I remember me wishing he was there to beat the heat with the touch of a cool hand against my skin. Or if he was still sick, if he was still feverish, for his flesh and mine to simply touch and if the fire grew stronger let the bloody flames consume, I thought.

  I also remember that no amount of wishing actually made him be there.

  And I closed my eyes and turned on my left side and wispered at the wall everything I wanted to tell him. But the air carrying the words stayed locked, imprisoned in the sickroom and the wind couldn't take the words to him.

  I was on the train with Ellie today. I took in a deep breath and said "Maybe I'll ask him out after the Exams."

  "Yes!" she exclaimed, "Do that! I've been telling you to for some time now. I mean, I asked you know who out." Sometimes I wonder whether she can finally decide whether L likes me or not.

  We were sitting in silence, the train rocking us rhythmically, the city going by. "You know," she said breaking the silence, "he does like you. I know that."

  "Just not enough."

  

  I got in a fight with mom the other day. Actually about two weeks ago. She managed to get me so mad that I left home in the dead of night, screaming at the top of my lungs and kicking trees. I've never felt so out of control. I've never lost control before. It scared me.
  I didn't care then. 

  It's just that everything gets bottled up inside and when it comes out it hits anything in its way. I've never reacted so violently before, I never even react violently.

  Some days afterwards mom pissed me off enough that I kicked a chair and it flew accross the room and a cabinet door which now has come partially off its hinges. Mom doesn't know.

  Since then I've been ok. I am now controlling my emotions.

Find me now. Before someone else does.

Diary Entry #2

  Image from tumblr.

And it's true. If I can't be with you, I don't want to spend any more of my life waiting for someone who will never come, waiting for you.

I miss you and you were never there.

F and I barely talk. I think I'm going to lose him from a friend eitherway. It seems like no matter what I do I hurt someone somehow.

It's 3 in the morning and sleep has abandoned me.

Diary Entry #1

  It started well. I overslept but told mom that we didn't have school til 9.05. Minor lie to ensure my peace of mind. I got up, chose what to wear, put on purple eye-liner - it had been so long since I last put eye-liner at school - then took breakfast. I was supposed to be up from 5a.m. in order to finish an essay I had to hand in at 3.30 p.m. Strangely enough I didn't even get stressed.

  Went to school. Literature class. Then it was the 15' break. I saw L. As I had thought, the day before he hadn't come in order to avoid that history test. Then math class. Then I had another two classes but one of the teachers was absent. Fuck it, I thought, I have an essay to write.

  "You leaving?" S asked me, L's best friend.

  "Yeah," I said, "you coming?"

  "Sure."

  We're friends with S - sort of - though I think he might had had a thing for me few years back - that's why I said "almost" (well, that and he's L's best friend). We were midway to my place. He was taking me home, as usual since we live near, when a sudden thought hit me.

  "What time is it?" I asked him.

  "Not 11 yet, why?"

  Ooh, fuck. "My mother's home." There was a silence. "Look, can I ask you a favour?"

  "Sure."

  "Hang out with me please? For another hour or so? I just don't want to go home."

  "Had a fight with your mother?" he asked.

  "Yeah, well, you could say that."

  "Where to? I'm buying."

  And so we left. The cafeteria was above a bookshop. Roaming through the shelves we judged some books, discussed others, exchanged suggestions on book titles. Then we entered the comic section and we exchanged views on certain artists' styles. Then there was the fantasy section. We both like "A game of thrones" (as L does - during that excursion trip we were talking, one night as we were going to the club. I was holding him to steady myself and we were talking and then he said "Well, recently S lent me a very good book to read, I'm not sure whether you'll have heard it-". "Game of thrones!" I exclaimed. "You know it?" He was surprised. "I've read it. It's very good." But all that is another story.)

  And then I saw The left hand of God and was going to say that it's one of my favourite books, I was actually pointing at it and had opened my mouth to say it when S said, "Oh, that's one of L's favourite series."

  Oh for fuck's sake. I get it, I hang out with your friend but this is ridiculous. You don't have to pop up everywhere. I even looked randomly at a street and it had the same name as your surname. Surely someone, somewhere, must be laughing at me. This can't be a coincidence.

  And then we went to the cafe. I took chocolate and he took coffee.

  As long as we sat there we kept on talking. S is a good guy. A genually good guy. A true gentleman even if he doesn't dress formal.

  Sometimes I wonder why I never fell for him but instead fell for his best friend.

  So this friend of S, K, and his mother had come to Greece from Instabul. S and I were going back when we met his mom and K and his mother. And they were going for souvlaki and they insisted I went with them. K was talk dark and handsome. A nice guy - as far as I could tell. We talked in English - he speaks well though his English were a bit rusty.

  I was allowed to pay for my souvlaki either.

  And then I rushed home and wrote the bloody essay, and finished right on time.

  I had prep school then - five hours.

  And now I'm home and I'm not studying. Today was a good day. I dare say it was a happy day - with the exception of the growing awkwardness between F and me. He is flirting and now I'm feeling uncomfortable. I feel like a whore who led him on. I do have the tendecy to get friendly with people I feel comfortanble. Perhaps too friendly. and this usually happens with people that I want to be friends with.

  Only everytime this happens with a guy this guy falls for me.

  No, they ahave not seen my ugly, insecure, scared side.

  I just want to hope that I'm wrong. I don't want to lose F the way I losed N last year. I need him to remain a friend. I pray to God he's like that with all his female friends - kissing their cheeks and stuff (today I simply drew back and said I didn't want to - sorry, this is getting too much, I felt like crying because I know where all this is going).

  But other than that all was well.

Theory #18: Being in (unrequited) love doesn't get easier

You simply adapt to a reality where you're near the object of your emotions and so far away at the same moment.

  I was at the hospital in the morning, just a check-up, nothing serious. It has nothing to do with sickness. Just something I had to do every six months for the past years. Today was the last time. No need to worry.

  Afterwards I had an option: go to school for the last two classes of the day or stay home. With mum. And because I had a headache I preferred to leave home. Only as I was on my way to school I passed outside of the public library. And suddenly my copy of  "The Midnight Palace" by C.R.Z. seemed to burn in my backpack. The library, I thought, what better place than that to find peace? And so I turned and went in. Straight to the third floor. I found a sit so that I could look out the window, same seat I've been using lately whenever I skip school. I've even made a sketch of it. 

  So I placed my things on my corner and took out my book and started reading. And then I finished it. I checked the watch and saw that the your last class would end in 15 minutes. I had already chosen a few books to flip through, what harm could it do to stay a bit more? 

  I wondered whether you would come after school. I knew that sometimes you did. 

  My back was at the door and I was lost in an account of how the Sumerians dressed (I had chosen a small tome on the history of costume). I heard the door open and close a few times but it  hadn't been you - as far as I could hear - so I my nerves calmed down and I relaxed. And then I realised that someone is standing about a meter and a half from where I was sitting on my right and I looked up and sure enough there you were. And it was like someone had kicked my heart and the clouds had parted and the sun shined all at once.(I've writen you before that it is not normal for me to feel so much for you).

  And you were just... you were just sitting there. You had been watching me for a few seconds, your head tilted slightly, a small smile on your lips. (Did you guess I was there for you? shit.) And then T - your best friend - popped out of nowhere and said "Emilia reading a book? No waaaay." (Yeah, ok, we all know I'm a bookworm). And I stuck my tongue at the two of you. And we just said hi and then you just turned and left and sat in the table next to mine - only as I was leaving did I notice that I could see you and you could see me from where you sat. I thought I had seen you looking once but then again it could have been just me. 

  I know I make it sound like it lasted aeons but it was only a moment.

  So I went back to my volume and for an hour we read (you studied I think) in silence. And then I had to leave (well I didn't but after 60 minutes in the same room with you I was tempted to start intruding in your silence). So I got up, placed back all the books and told you guys "See you tomorrow." And I know I smiled but inwardly I heaved a sigh.

  I wanted to kiss you so. badly.

  Yesterday night I saw you. After you were done with prep school. The weather was slightly chilly and you wore no jacket just a tee. you hadn't come at school and my heart contrited in my chest.
  "You'll catch a cold like that," I told you.
  "I'm going for a run," you said. 
  "At this time?"
  "It's the only time I can spare." 
  I'll be honest. I was worried whether you would make it home safe. Silly I know but it was already near 11p.m. 

  And then the image of you from when I had seen you last summer when you had gone with S for running came to mind. You were wearing a black shirtless shirt and your strong arms were covered in sweat.

This is not getting any easier.

Fragments #2

Past midnight, last night, Ellie and I sitting on a bench in the square with a shared beer can. We sometimes do that. "You know," she said, "I'm your friend and that's why I tell you this but, he's just not into you. If he really were, he'd make an actual move. Now, he's just flirting."
  "I know," I said and drank some beer. "And if I had any form of self-preservation - emotional that is - I'd get it in my head and I'd get him out off my heart."
  The night was still around us.

I was supposed to write an essay last night. I have to go and hand it in today at some point. Instead I got up at noon and put the music and did some little chores around the house.

I still log on Fb hoping he will be online. Not that we'd chat but it's nice to know he's there and not somewhere else having fun with his friends. Or some girl.
  Who's the lonely soul now?

Theory #17: You can't be friends with someone you've fallen in love with

Because everytime you talk or he randomly touches you, you'll never take it as a friendly sign.

  Yesterday feels a bit like a dream. The play was up. Being backstage, fussing over everyone, making sure they were dressed and make-uped in time. Hearing the clapping of the audience through the curtain that hid the backstage from them. Everything that could possibly go wrong going - things falling or breaking, small crises. And when I touched my head in tiredness you patting my head as you passed by. It was such a warm gesture. As if you were trying to tell me that everything was ok, we had everything under control. 

  And you calmed me down at that moment, you gave me strenght. 

  When that girl was trying to help you dress and somebody called her and she asked me to help you dress. It was almost ironic how perfectly we synchronised. I buttoned up your shirt and was the trying to put those suspenders in place while you were tugging your pants upwards in order to  button them up. Or when you asked me a moment later whether I had put on you the suspenders. And I said yes and at that moment, that moment, one of them snapped and I sort of grabbed you and turned you around, catching the suspender and placing it back in place, cussing under my breath. And you found it so funny, my cussing. And then you went up the stairs and I was going to go down the stairs when you called me again and asked for a hat. I just grabbed a hat and threw it at you and you immediatelly caught it. You always catch what I throw at you, like that water I offered you. 

  And I also remember when you came down from the stage to take Mrs. L up and E and then you tugged me along, your hand on my waist. And when I nearly lost my balance going up the stage stairs you hand was there again, balancing me and pushing me slightly forward. 

  I still can't believe you changed in front of me. 

  Damn I wanted to kiss you.

  I'm sorry but I can't be friends. If that's all we'll ever be than I'd rather not see you again. You give me too many emotions to be just a friend. 

Wensday, 29th of February 2012

Dear F,

   I'm so sorry. I think I'm fucking with your mind. I think I'm fucking with my mind. In all honesty I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing. To you or to me. I wonder if you know.
  I do not want to say it. I know that I like you, that much is undeniable, but the fact remains that in the late hours of night and the early ones of the morning it's him I think about. Sometimes though you shyly take his place. But very rarely, usually when I wonder what I feel for you.
  I can't deny the shared smiles, the knowing glances when we share a private joke or a certain intimacy. And the thought of those moments makes my heart constricts. I'm complicating things I know I am. I'm so sorry.
  Please don't like me. I'll hurt you. It's one thing to fuck my emotions up and another entirely to do that to you. Stop coming so close you might get to know me much better that I can stand. More than you can stand.
  Isn't it safer better to remain friends.

  Sorry,
   Emilia

Monday, 20th of February 2012

Dear X,
 
  Lord, will this never stop? This blog is about you in the end. But I suppose it cannot be helped, and I might as well write things down now that I think them. For all my wish for oblivion, I fear it.
  So today I read some extracts of my other letters to you to a friend, let's call her Annie. Annie was actually quite rather surprised. She said she didn't have me for a romantic, at least not one so intense. After I read her those parts she fell silent, as if she were not sure what was quite the right thing to say.
  But then again, I'm not sure what is the right thing to say. So instead I write meaningless little post on an anonymous blog on the internet.
  God I wish you were here. That little smile of yours today made me so happy. And afterwards so infinetelly sad. Why is it that everything with you is in the extreme? I wish I could just be.
 
  And loneliness ate away her heart.

  I still remember sleeping in your bed during that trip. You were not in the room. You slept somewhere else. And the next day, you took me as I was, pajamas and all for breakfast. Said it was ok I didn't wear regular clothes.
  And afterwards, after you learnt something that had happened, I remember your anger. Not at me, I had nothing to do with it. By I felt it nevertheless, I could simply read you at that moment. For two people so distant, we understand each other very much. You read me too sometimes, better than anyone else does.
  Actually, that's not really helping.
  Some lingering glances of yours are not helping either. I don't understand you. Please take all the memories of you and go away. I don't know how to deal with you when I see you everyday.

Goodnight

P.S. Your arms were so strong around me that day I was crying for my friend's father. You calmed me. I can't believe we will never be more than friends.

Theory # 16: You will change opinion of things you thoguht you were sure of.

A lot.

   I do not know what to think anymore. God, I feel as if you're overwhelming me too much again. And I have never been sure of what you feel. I should just get up and leave. And yet, everytime I say I will, something happens and in the end I do not.

  Or that it was possible. Or that you didn't at all.
  This is not good.

Theory #14: We do stupid things even though we know they're stupid.

Sometimes mistakes are made. Some by accident, other on purpose, and others belong in a special category: that of mistakes that we made, while knowing they were mistakes but hoping that they would not turn out to be so.

  In truth, it is completely and utterly my fault. I should not have invited him over for that cup of hot chocolate. Even if I want to pretend that we're still friends, that's not the way things work, it's only how I wish they did. But other than that we keep up the charade. 
  In front of others it appears. 
  Annie had told me that it was ok, that his feelings for me were probably not so strong. That I had been an infatuation. And though it hurt a bit - because who doesn't want to be loved, even by someone they don't love back that way - I had agreed wholeheartedly and readily. I had even believed it.
  More fool I. 
  There was awkwardness, even though we laughed a lot. He played with my dog, though my dog's motives were not as noble as his were.
  And when he left I said jockingly "Jack, why are you leaving me? That's what my dog would say if he could speak." And he looked at me and I felt my throat tighten and added "You're supposed to be looking at my dog."
  "I'm not looking at the dog," he shot back then waved goodbye and left.
  Sometimes I feel like such a horrible selfish whore. I did not want to lead him on. Why the fuck do I always, always mess things up? 
  I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't be anything more than friends with you.
  I'm not sure whether we truly are friends anymore...

 
  I promise I won't repeat this mistake again. I cannot bear to use you at all.