10 things I hate about you

  At some point I need to learn to follow my own advice. Just saying.
  August has been lazy and rather fruitless.
  Tony has kept in touch. And I'm frustrated, not at him but at me. Because part of me can see where this is all going. And it feels as if I'm heading there nonetheless.
  I hate that he tells me he loves Christmas because it's full of lights and happiness and it's the time for falling in love. Yes, thank you I know that.
  I hate how he calls me his dance partner, the way he tells me that of course we synchronise, we dance together.
  I hate how private it felt when he found my big glasses funny - "I didn't say they don't suit you, they're just a bit big". It didn't even feel insulting. It was like we were old friends.
  I hate how everytime we talk on skype we end up talking for over an hour joking and speaking about our lives and routines and Christmas and New York.
  I hate the way I feel when he asks me to visit him.
  I hate that once he logged on Skype right after class and then we chatted for an hour.
  I hate the loneliness I sometimes feel when we don't talk.
  I hate feeling guilty for fantasing I'm with someone else.
  I hate hating the messages we send because I'd rather we talk on skype. Text seems so unemotional, I'd rather hear his voice.
  I hate that I hate all those things in the first place.

I think I make things tough inside my head...

  For the record,
Tony did call
one day
before I left for vacation.

"You're still asleep?"
I stayed up late watching a movie.
"Cool. You free tomorrow?" Hearing those words made me swear iOn tnwardly.
I had been waiting
for two weeks.
I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow. 
In the morning.
"Fuck.
You free today?
I could
try to cancel some stuff."

We both tried but didn't make it. He left the country for the US on my birthday. He said he'd message me once he got online.

I was on the vacation along with Ellie, Mollie and Mishka. We found this cool bar that played rock and rock'n'roll music. There was thic sute waiter there with whom I danced once (wow, I was one of the few he danced with - all. week. long. that is). He had the whole rock'n'roll thing going on and he was a good dancer. Ellie got really antagonistic with me over him and it really fucking pissed me off because the way she did it was very aggressive and possesive. I mean, we all four drooled over him - it was inevitable - but her manner annoyed me, she sometimes acted like a 15-year-old.
  And now I feel like a bitch for thinking of that. I mean, I only danced once with the guy and we only spoke again when I asked him to put a particular song on and when he asked whether he could take away some empty plates and I re-ordered those beers that hadn't come. (It took ages to communicate with him, and he kept looking in my eyes it was unnerving. And he wanted to learn from who we had ordered them before. Ok. Took him ages to bring them - only when another waiter went to get them - and then he sort of slammed them on the table). (I think he regarded us as some sort of groupies).
  (Mollie fucked one of his friends. why am I even writing that?)
  But what annoyed me the most was the fact that Ellie kept on mentioning Tony whenever I mentioned the waiter. Once she even told me "You don't like this guy, you're in love with Tony."
  Fuck it, I'm not in love with Tony. I didn't have the chance to be. If we had had a little bit of more time, if we had managed to go out, if something actually had happened, then yes, I would have been. Falling, really, completely and utterly falling was so easy with him. But our timing was too bad, even if he wants to keep in touch.
  I don't think I can emotionally get invested in someone who lives half-accross the world, someone who I don't know what he does, what he thinks, someone I don't really know that well. I can't fall for someone who isn' here.
  I can't wait for someone when I don't know who and why I'm waiting, or even whether I should be waiting.

And Ellie sometimes makes me feel as if she's jealous of me, as if she wants to bring me down. But I know I'm only being paranoid.



  And Tony messaged me yesterday. We've messaged via Facebook the last couple of days (or is it nights?). And we've mostly chit-chatted,
a voice inside my head going
what
  are you doing
this
  is not even actual communication
just
  mindless talking between strangers
why
   are you even bothering?
why
  is he even?

Theory #23: When something goes well, expect something else to go wrong.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one area of your life starts going well another falls spectacularly to pieces, said Bridget Jones.
  She forgot to mention that the opposite rarely applies.

  I begun the preparation for the University of Fine Arts, I got over L and now I sort of fancy Tony. Remember Tony? My tango partner? Yeah well, the thing is that when I talk about him I blush immensely and that when we had a two-hour-long rehearsal we rehearsed for half an hour and we talked the rest. He makes me laugh and when we dance together I relax. When he looks into my eyes he makes me smile immediatelly.
  That's... not good exactly, in the sense that I just got over someone whom I liked for the past three years, I'm not sure that falling for someone else is the safest thing to do. Especially if that someone is leaving the country by the end of the month and won't be back for a few months.
  Even if he said he'd call me this week to go out, even if he's made that dreamy smile of those in love return to my lips, it's not good. What? Oh, ok, yes I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about something that feels so good and lifts my spirits.
  I missed it though. I missed the excitement of liking someone, the excitement of talking to that person so easily. I've missed going to bed with no tears in my eyes, no heavy heart, no painful thoughts. I've missed that beat that your heart skips at the prospect of a message, the anxious checking of the phone, the secret smiles, the possibility of something happening. Something new, with someone new, with no past history and bitterness following at your heels. I've missed private jokes that you make without thinking God, these only matter to me for sure. 
  I miss this feeling of falling  in love instead of being in a bruised love. 

 
  And then  I learn about Sonia and Annie. You have to understand that I have circles of close friends. My close friends from one circle are not necesserily friends with the other circle. So Annie, Sonia and I are on circle of close friends. Annie has been in love with this guy for three years now (what is it with number three?). Mad, passionate love, the kind of love you read in Neruda's poems, the all-consuming type.
  And Sonia has been talking the entire time with that guy, texting about this and that, with him saying that he likes her and her agreeing to go out with him. All behind Annie's back. A friend of Annie's checked their messages along with Annie (not ethical I know) and they were even... they made fun of Annie.
  How do you do that? How do you laugh at someone's agony when you know it firsthand, when you're one of their closest friends, when you're someone who's trusted? How can you give the kiss of Judas?
  Betrayal is a bitter drink. And suddenly everything within the gang (there are others in this circle but the three of us were the closest) is in pieces and I'm trying to keep Annie together and I can't for the life of me understand how I did not see that coming.

I'm just trying to keep everything together, my head's in pieces, my heart is too and suddenly the drawing I have to do for the school is not the art I want to make.

Fragments #8

  The shoes pinch my toes. I have to lean against the wall to stand. The theater is a summer one and when looking up you can see the sky. I press myself against the wall and look up at the starry sky as I hear the other actors say their lines and the applause. And then it is my turn to go on the stage. I do the converasation as I am supposed to do. Then, infuriated (as the character of the role I played becomes), I raise my voice high, high enough that nothing moves in the theater, no sound is heard. I shout a cry for union, a cry of despair. At that moment, I am not me, I have become one with the role I played, small as it may have been.
  When I get backstage people tell "Now this was some serious voice. Some serious balls."
  But my knees trembled all the while.

  Later, around 3a.m. we get a cab, S, L and I. Some of the others decided to go back on foot. The driver asks the boys how come we got a taxi and L said "We had the safety of the girl to  mind. We couldn't let her go back home alone."
  It was appreciated.

  I'm looking for some sort of the familiar fluttering in my stomach but there's only an echo of it.

  I hope L remembers to bring me back my keys.

P.S. To Bathwater: Thank you for your comments. I had no way to contact you so I say so here.

Theory #22: Instict never lies.

Always trust your instics. According to researchers, the reason we have it is because it's the best way for our subconscious to warn us about something we have not acknowledged.

My instict was right on Wensday when I had the feeling Tony wouldn't come to rehearsal. He called me to cancel. His grandpa had a stroke. I texted him on Thursday. He said his grandpa is not stable yet.

It was also right about yesterday when L brought his fucking girlfriend with him at the party of a mutual friend. When did he ever even get a girlfriend? She's the first of his girlfriends that took an instant dislike at. They kept kissing and once as they were kissing he lifted her and twirled her around. 
  And nearly landed her on me. It took real zeal on my part to not punch him in the face.

  But on the brightside, I felt nothing when I was told that his girlfriend was coming as well. Nothing. How is that even possible? Maybe I'm not that into him anymore and I just hadn't realised it. Maybe my feelings for him had indeed been a routine after a certain point.
  I had told Annie that this Saturday either something will happen between us or it will end.
  It ended.
  And all I feel is relief. He has a girlfriend now and I have no reason to analyse his every move to understand what the fuck goes on in his head. I can, at last, move on.
  At least I hope so.




  I hope from now on I'll have someone else to write about. 

 

Diary Entry #5

  I haven't spoken with L for a week, even though I did occasionally see him. He didn't speak to me either, except for a "bye", when I left yesterday, after having ignored for some time a question I made and instead speaking with Ire. I was a bit irked but I let it go.
  To be honest I have not spent much time thinking about him this past week. Mostly because I make sure I become busy with something else, therefore I don't think, therefore I don't think about him. And when I don't have something to do I call one of my friends and their endless chattering keeps my thoughts elsewhere occupied. Of course, from time to time they stray towards him and then I harshly bring them back and give them something and ponder over. Like the exams, which I'm failing and I don't really give a fuck about.
  Or mother and how nice she's been lately and how happy with her boyfriend and how good he treats her. I couldn't sleep the other day and I was on the pc and mom was watching a show on tv. I went with her and watched some of it and went back to my bedroom during break. When the break ended she called that it did so. I didn't reallly want to go, I'm not that big a fan of the show but I thought Oh, fuck it. Internet can wait. Really, I just took the change to curl up against her and be close. It's so rare for us to get along. I wish I had more moments like that with mom.
 And papa came back for a few days, now he has to go again but he took me out for lunch yesterday and then for a drink in the afternoon. We'll go out today as well. He won't be back for a month, and I will miss him so so much. He's been calling me every morning before my exam to wish me luck even though he can barely manage to wake up before 9 - he's not a morning person yet he'll call me at 6.30 in the morning when I wake up to wish me luck. And  the night before to tell me not to worry. And when I mess up with the exams he shrugs and say it's ok, it's not the end of the world.
  We were talking yesterday and i learnt that when he was younger he used to have a restaurant with a friend. I had no idea! And he told me some stories about his papa, whom I never had a chance to meet because he died when my papa was still young. There are so many things I don't know about the people I love.
  When I speak with papa he makes me feel as if I can achieve anything I ever want to achieve. He makes me feel like I am this amazing person who is beautiful and smart and kind. He believes in me and he shows it so much that sometimes I feel stronger. Mama is like that too. When she speaks about me, she does so with such confidence that I often wonder why I lack it. I've often been told that I look strong and friendly and confident - how the hell to I manage to give that impression?
  But in sort, the past week has been, I dare say, happy. Quiet. I've been listening to Cure and Nouvelle Vague and been reading book and drawing and organising tips in my head. I've been at peace.
  And that is one of the most precious things in the world.

Theory #21: When a guy tells you about his exes, he's either trying to get a reaction or he's just not that into you. Aka: you've been friendzoned. Big time.

People see what they want to see. That's why everyone has a different perspectives. Ask five different people on the same event, where they were present, and you will get five different opinions. If you combine them what you'll get is a jumbled mess. And out of that you might, just might,  get something that is still somewhere between fiction and reality.
  Thus with the human heart and the human emotions.

  Really, I've been blind. It's not his fault I think it's mine. I just didn't want to accept the truth. So the truth bitchslapped in the face.
  That kind of hurt.

  Today after the exam T, S and L thought about going for a walk. I was the last person leaving so s told me to tag along - seriously, he's such a nice guy it's killing me. I thought I should decline, I felt I'd be the extra, the outsider. and I told them that I might be in the way. You might want to discuss your things. 
  T rolled his eyes and then turned to S and told him in a falsetto voice "Come on darling, let's go discuss our things. Come on Em."
  L was ahead of us talking on the phone.
  And I deeply regret going.
  The whole time I felt unwanted even though S and T kept talking to me. I felt an extra, a baggage. L barely spoke to me. and it got awkward (for me anyway). It was like I wasn't there - like I said, for L. His friends teased me just fine. But that's ok 'cause they're my friends too (not best friends but we do hang out sometimes). We're friends. 
  And after S left - God I thought I might as well escape - T said to me, "Come little one."
  And we walked some some more and L started telling me about his exes and how once he dated an older girl - to whom he had told he was older- and how she figured out he was younger.
  And it was much more relaxed then in the sense that I didn't feel a pariah but I hoped the earth would open up and swallom me whole. Funny thing: that never happens when actually want it to. Never.
  So yeah. I've been friendzoned. Big time. I might as well get used to it. I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I have to get over him. Any suggestions?
  Did I mention that I might be seeing him for the biggest part of the summer? Because of a play we're taking part to?
  Oh, it's going to be a long summer.