When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.

Elizabeth Gilbert 

I spend most of my days dazed and confused and all that I know for sure is the loneliness.

Emilia

P.S. Things went back to normal. I don't feel much these days so I choose to feel anger just so that I have something to feel. Maybe it will burn away the loneliness.

He messaged.

  Soooooo... Well, basically, I knew it was going to happen the moment I decided to upload the photos from dance. I knew he'd message me. I just fucking did. And so he did.
  And I'm ignoring the message, I have not even opened it.
  I'm not sure why either.
  It's just that... Do you ever get that feeling as if you know you're getting yourself into something? You're not quite sure what that is but it is bothering you anyway?

(Fast forward a couple of hours)
  In the end I did read the message and replied. It's nothing much, just the usual chit chat. He was asking me about uni said that we "lost contact". You don't say.
  In any case I'm much calmer about this all now. I'm pretty sure it will all go back to normal and that we won't talk again for some time. So, basically, this is a rather useless and meaningless post. But I wanted to write it anyway.

Tony

  I'm not even sure why I feel the need to talk about him at the moment, at 6.30 in the morning but I do and so I will. This is, after all, the place where I can just sort of spill everything that comes to my head.
  I have not talked with Tony since I returned from New York, with the exception of one brief conversation we had right after I returned. But the last time we really did talk was some time before that. And for the record, when I say "really talk" I mean something more than just:
  "Hey how are you?"
  "I'm good, you?"
  "Me too".
  Those kinds of conversation started right after those exams I had in September. Don't get me wrong, we said those stuff before, but it was more like a part of the conversation not the conversation all by itself. And the thing is all the last times we talked I had initiated the "conversation". With the exception of the message he sent me once I reach New York.
  It was line, one word and it read like that: "Welcome." I messaged back and he never got round to answering.
  And, ok, I'll admit, I was hurt. One might say that I had no right in the sense that, well, nothing happened between us after all so it's not like there were matters to settle and besides that, one might add that I could have tried harder.
  And for the past week we're both online at Skype at the same time and we both get the notification that the other is online - not sure why I notice it or if he does - and it's just... it's bothering me. It's selfish and I have no right and I know that but still... he bothers me. Every day. Not all the time but every day.
  And I still get that feeling when you live a moment and in your head you think "Oh, I should remember to tell him this or that." And it's freaking annoying me because I'm not sure whether I'm doing that because I am really, truly, genually interested or simply because I want to fall in love and finally, finally get to see what a relationship is like, trying to connect with someone is like and generally because I'm lonely. Or a selfish bitch who can't take a blow to her ego. Pick whatever.
  So I'm choosing to stay away for the mere reason that I'm not sure whether Tony is a person of interest or a boredom scapegoat.
  And I don't want to be the kind of person that keeps people as "options".

  Even if I may be one.

Music

I love music that makes my heart ache like falling in love.
I love music that makes my heart dance as if I'm in love.
I love music that makes my emotions stonger than me
 and beyond me.
I'm lonely and without a love.
But still I ache as if I am in love
Lone
Without a lover.

Fragments

  I had missed smoking. I had missed it so fucking much. I just did. So when I had the opportunity to smoke once again, I took it and chain-smoked about six cigarets one after the other. The ridiculous thing is that I've never actually smoked, just a cigaret here and there, in between months. Yet every day my fingers ache for it and I bring them to my face as if they're holding an invisible cigar. And I don't even like the stuff. I kept drinking vodka and wine to wash off the taste.

  And it felt... good in a peculiar way. As if my worries were being burned away. Turned into ashes and smoke. As if I were, or at least the parts of me that I prefer to ignore, were turned into ashes. But when I left and afterwards returned to the empty apartment I realised that our faults, like our memories and everything that makes us up, may be momentarily burned, but the stale smell that covers everything afterwards and hangs in the inside of your nostrils, in your lungs, is evidence of what has exactly happened.
  And only you can change something you don't like.

  I pressed my back against the wall and locked the door and then went to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed. I didn't wake up until my phone rung the following morning. I slept in the arms of an invisible lover - I really do wish there was someone. I'm not interested in anyone at the moment and though I'm content, I'm also lonely. I wish I had someone to keep warm with under the covers.

I'll try to never smoke again.

Fragments #9

It's been a long time, I know. In my head I kept writing posts and notes and in real life I kept on post-poning writing them. I talked with Ellie before I left for New York one quiet September night, while we were sitting on a bench somewhere in the city.
  I was as calm and careful as I could.
  As diplomatic as I could.
  And she listened.
  And said she was sorry.
  And it still feels as if she's too far away.
  I know why she is like this, so judgemental, shallow even. I know how she has been raised, how she has been treated, demeaned, all her life. By her own parents. Her own family. I can see where she's coming from. I understand. That's why I don't blame her as much. That's why I excuse things that piss me off.
  Like her telling me to try and get out of the uni that I just got in, inspite of the fact that I like it, because "I have no talent for it." I have not even tried it! It has always been like that with things I wanted to try out. She always says "You don't have the talent for it." But I have not tried seriously.
  And even if I don't have a particular talent in something, damn it, my best friend should not be the unsupportive one.
  So we speak. We talk. It feels as if a connection has been lost.

  New York was... It was different. Comforting. Even though I was a stranger, I felt at home in its bustling streets. I felt content with the anonymity, with the ability to just sit down and observe the people around you. I felt surounded by people, and their stories, and their lights, and the stories of their lights. I felt like I could make anything happen. I felt I had opportunities and if I didn't, I could make some.
  I liked the feeling of the city. I could probably live there.
  The anonymity. The opportunity to begin from a blank slate.
  That's what I would like.

Theory #24

  You may things have not changed, caught up as you are in your hectic life, but they are shifting around you. 
  Until, suddenly, you stop and realise nothing's the way you remembered.

  I'm not sure where to begin. Or what to say for that matter. I'm not sure what has changed or when, all I know is that nothing feels the same and yet they seem that way.
  Things with Ellie... they feel tight somehow, wrong. I'm being the coward, not facing the problem, not saying a word. I should say something. Before I leave for New York. Then maybe she'll have time to think things over while I'm gone. Or I will. i'm not quite sure which one of us is the one who has to do the thinking. Maybe we're just drifting apart, the way people sometimes do. Perhaps it's only natural and unstoppable but I'm not sure I'm fond of the idea that we're no the ones shaping our future.
  It feels too much as an excuse and too much as a reason to give up.

   As for Tony... I guess distance finally played its part. I had some exams and we couldn't talk for a week because I slept early during that time, and then we chatted a bit last Monday before one of his classes. And after that... silence. I'm not sure whether it's because he wants to see whether I'll message him or because he's otherwise occupied or I am or both of us. Or maybe it's just the damn distance.
  I don't miss him that much, at least not in that over played, over dramatised way that is shown in the movie. The absence of our talks hits me subtly, when I'm alone, when the hubbub of my friends has died away, when I feel the need to shut out all the light and just let good music play, when I feel like swaying to its rhythm. His memory comes at the most quiet moments.
  In the silence.




@Bathwater: Leave your email in the comments below because when I go to your blog it opens up Outlook and I don't know how to use it (I did not forget you even if it seemed that way).