One of the things I have always felt in my life was the impulse to buy a ticket for another country and never return, severing all ties with my past. And when I say everyone I do mean everyone. Even all those people that I love so much that should something happen to them I'm not sure how I'd be able to go on (mom you're one of them in spite of all the anger I have directed to you over the years). I don't know whether that's because I'm lonely or selfish or ungrateful but nevertheless I have dreamed that ever since I can remember myself.
  I've always felt suffocated. Insuficient. Weak. Alone. Try as I might I can't seem to break through that one last feeling. Scarcely does that feeling ever disolve and those moments are few and far in between. And I don't even think it because of others. I think it's me. I seem to be lacking something, someone. And dammit, I can't help this feeling. I feel alone.
  And what I hate is that I'm only 18. I'm only 18, that's too young to feel so alone. People tell me that I'm mature for my age, that I've always been. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. All I know is that I need someone, someone with whom things will be more personal. Someone who will make me feel alive.
  I've actually been thinking a lot lately about that waiter that Ellie got so antagonistic over. I was thinking about it the other day - the fact that I'm thinking of him that is - and was trying to understand the reason why. Was it because he was handsome? Was it because I am bored? Because Ellie acted like that, because my ego won't let go?
  I reached the conclusion that I did it because it's safe. It's safe to think of someone you don't even know, to make scenarios. It's safe because you know they're just that. Scenarios. There is no real person behind those images and therefore nothing to get attached to. Ah, but to know someone, to actually risk getting to know them, to invest so much in that. That's another thing entirely. That could cost you a lot.
  Maybe I'm still a bit sore over that L bussiness after all. I feel so reluctant to even go after someone, let alone fall in love. Even though I miss it terribly, I wonder whether perhaps I still have that romantic image of love in my head or maybe I just don't know what I want. I can't help but wonder, will I ever find that person who will inspire me enough to open up to him?
  I want to make love with someone and then fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.
  I don't care about fucking. I may be a virgin but I know that I'm beautiful enough and witty enough (when I want to) to find someone to fuck if I feel like it. Ah but knowing that I can have something as simple as that makes me ache for something that goes way deeper.

Intimacy, contrary to what we may think, is not only in sex scenes. Sometimes it's in the dialogues, when skins are slightly touching or in the way we look each other. That's when complicity rises. That's what most difficult to develop, because in the sex scenes, there is nothing else to do than the movements.
    -Francois Arnaud

When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.

Elizabeth Gilbert 

I spend most of my days dazed and confused and all that I know for sure is the loneliness.

Emilia

P.S. Things went back to normal. I don't feel much these days so I choose to feel anger just so that I have something to feel. Maybe it will burn away the loneliness.

He messaged.

  Soooooo... Well, basically, I knew it was going to happen the moment I decided to upload the photos from dance. I knew he'd message me. I just fucking did. And so he did.
  And I'm ignoring the message, I have not even opened it.
  I'm not sure why either.
  It's just that... Do you ever get that feeling as if you know you're getting yourself into something? You're not quite sure what that is but it is bothering you anyway?

(Fast forward a couple of hours)
  In the end I did read the message and replied. It's nothing much, just the usual chit chat. He was asking me about uni said that we "lost contact". You don't say.
  In any case I'm much calmer about this all now. I'm pretty sure it will all go back to normal and that we won't talk again for some time. So, basically, this is a rather useless and meaningless post. But I wanted to write it anyway.

Tony

  I'm not even sure why I feel the need to talk about him at the moment, at 6.30 in the morning but I do and so I will. This is, after all, the place where I can just sort of spill everything that comes to my head.
  I have not talked with Tony since I returned from New York, with the exception of one brief conversation we had right after I returned. But the last time we really did talk was some time before that. And for the record, when I say "really talk" I mean something more than just:
  "Hey how are you?"
  "I'm good, you?"
  "Me too".
  Those kinds of conversation started right after those exams I had in September. Don't get me wrong, we said those stuff before, but it was more like a part of the conversation not the conversation all by itself. And the thing is all the last times we talked I had initiated the "conversation". With the exception of the message he sent me once I reach New York.
  It was line, one word and it read like that: "Welcome." I messaged back and he never got round to answering.
  And, ok, I'll admit, I was hurt. One might say that I had no right in the sense that, well, nothing happened between us after all so it's not like there were matters to settle and besides that, one might add that I could have tried harder.
  And for the past week we're both online at Skype at the same time and we both get the notification that the other is online - not sure why I notice it or if he does - and it's just... it's bothering me. It's selfish and I have no right and I know that but still... he bothers me. Every day. Not all the time but every day.
  And I still get that feeling when you live a moment and in your head you think "Oh, I should remember to tell him this or that." And it's freaking annoying me because I'm not sure whether I'm doing that because I am really, truly, genually interested or simply because I want to fall in love and finally, finally get to see what a relationship is like, trying to connect with someone is like and generally because I'm lonely. Or a selfish bitch who can't take a blow to her ego. Pick whatever.
  So I'm choosing to stay away for the mere reason that I'm not sure whether Tony is a person of interest or a boredom scapegoat.
  And I don't want to be the kind of person that keeps people as "options".

  Even if I may be one.

Music

I love music that makes my heart ache like falling in love.
I love music that makes my heart dance as if I'm in love.
I love music that makes my emotions stonger than me
 and beyond me.
I'm lonely and without a love.
But still I ache as if I am in love
Lone
Without a lover.

Fragments

  I had missed smoking. I had missed it so fucking much. I just did. So when I had the opportunity to smoke once again, I took it and chain-smoked about six cigarets one after the other. The ridiculous thing is that I've never actually smoked, just a cigaret here and there, in between months. Yet every day my fingers ache for it and I bring them to my face as if they're holding an invisible cigar. And I don't even like the stuff. I kept drinking vodka and wine to wash off the taste.

  And it felt... good in a peculiar way. As if my worries were being burned away. Turned into ashes and smoke. As if I were, or at least the parts of me that I prefer to ignore, were turned into ashes. But when I left and afterwards returned to the empty apartment I realised that our faults, like our memories and everything that makes us up, may be momentarily burned, but the stale smell that covers everything afterwards and hangs in the inside of your nostrils, in your lungs, is evidence of what has exactly happened.
  And only you can change something you don't like.

  I pressed my back against the wall and locked the door and then went to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed. I didn't wake up until my phone rung the following morning. I slept in the arms of an invisible lover - I really do wish there was someone. I'm not interested in anyone at the moment and though I'm content, I'm also lonely. I wish I had someone to keep warm with under the covers.

I'll try to never smoke again.

Fragments #9

It's been a long time, I know. In my head I kept writing posts and notes and in real life I kept on post-poning writing them. I talked with Ellie before I left for New York one quiet September night, while we were sitting on a bench somewhere in the city.
  I was as calm and careful as I could.
  As diplomatic as I could.
  And she listened.
  And said she was sorry.
  And it still feels as if she's too far away.
  I know why she is like this, so judgemental, shallow even. I know how she has been raised, how she has been treated, demeaned, all her life. By her own parents. Her own family. I can see where she's coming from. I understand. That's why I don't blame her as much. That's why I excuse things that piss me off.
  Like her telling me to try and get out of the uni that I just got in, inspite of the fact that I like it, because "I have no talent for it." I have not even tried it! It has always been like that with things I wanted to try out. She always says "You don't have the talent for it." But I have not tried seriously.
  And even if I don't have a particular talent in something, damn it, my best friend should not be the unsupportive one.
  So we speak. We talk. It feels as if a connection has been lost.

  New York was... It was different. Comforting. Even though I was a stranger, I felt at home in its bustling streets. I felt content with the anonymity, with the ability to just sit down and observe the people around you. I felt surounded by people, and their stories, and their lights, and the stories of their lights. I felt like I could make anything happen. I felt I had opportunities and if I didn't, I could make some.
  I liked the feeling of the city. I could probably live there.
  The anonymity. The opportunity to begin from a blank slate.
  That's what I would like.